I watched way, way too much TV when I was growing up. And one of the shows I watched way too much of was Donahue. Why a pre-teen girl would watch Donahue, who knows... his shows weren't salacious like day-time talk shows today - even Oprah at times went down the ratings-sweeps road that Donahue avoided (I'm still mad about your amplification of the anti-vaccine movement, Oprah...). I just thought the topics were always interesting.
I remember one Donahue episode in particular: his guest was Shelly Winters. Shelly Winters has put in some incredible film performances I admire hugely: in A Place in the Sun, Executive Suite, The Night of the Hunter, The Diary of Anne Frank, Alfie, Lolita, Harper and, of course, The Poseidon Adventure. She generates sympathy for characters that, in real life, annoy me. She forces you to see the humanity and pathos behind people you might dismiss as whiney and socially-awkward and completely not self-aware in the real world.
So there I am, 12 or so, watching Shelly, and she's holding court - truly, she's the Queen and the audience are her subjects. And she's doing what older actors and directors do: complain about movies today. She's ranting on and on and she finishes one of her long-winded complaints with, "What people want is Shakespeare and instead, they get Star Wars." And when she said Star Wars, she flicked her hand dismissively.
I. Was. Pissed. That was it for Shelly Winters. If one of her movies came on, I turned it off. If she came on Johnny Carson, I walked out of the room. How DARE she dismiss a film that had taken all that I loved from Greek and Roman and Arthurian mythology and PUT IT IN SPACE?!? How DARE she dismiss a movie that had Princess Leia, a strong, sassy, smart character that was the LEADER of all the men in the movie? How DARE she dismiss a movie that had been my refuge from a dysfunctional family and a neighborhood full of bullies?
Spoiler alert: I ended up forgiving Shelly Winters.
First of all, it's not like all of Shelly's movies are high art - she was in a freakin' Chuck Norris movie, among others... I'm sure she conveniently forgot that, as most ar-teeeests do, during her rants against movies "today." And secondly, she's like so many people around me right now, running down what's popular in movies or in music while romanticizing movies and music from their day as somehow all SO much better and glorious - a mythology they have created about movies and music when they were younger that I find incredibly amusing.
Now, Martin Scorsese, he of the I'm-going-to-make-yet-ANOTHER-violent-movie-with-Al-Pacino-and/or-Robert De Niro, and Francis Ford Coppola, he of haven't-had-an-acclaimed-film-in-25-years fame, have said they don't like the Marvel movies.
So... I have to confess that I'm not a big fan of either of them, not as much as most other movie lovers. I find the hyper Western toxic masculinity of their movies - and their fans - terribly disturbing at times. And I think some of their films have NOT held up well over time and look really dated and unimaginative and utterly ego-driven now. Still, yes, they have been brilliant filmmakers and have fostered a lot of talent.
Their comments immediately reminded me of Shelly Winters way back when. Part of me wants to dismiss them, even get mad at them: how pathetic to see artists well past their prime lash out at what's popular now. Next up: Get off my lawn! I love the Marvel movies, I love how the filmmakers have brought out both the epic and the vulnerable and the short-comings in supposed "superheroes" and how they have both paid tribute to the original comic book stories and legends while also making movies that offer some startling parallels to our world right now. I love how complex the stories are and how online debates break out about the moral choices the characters make.
But, honestly, mostly I'm just going to roll my eyes, stay off their lawn, and keep loving what I love. If you don't get it, that's fine - your loss. I think Dirty Dancing is one of the dumbest fucking movies ever made, but if it floats your boat, you just keep right on watchin' every time it's shown on TV... over and over and over...
Monday, October 21, 2019
Sunday, October 20, 2019
New address: Parallel Oregon
There's no unique Oregon "culture" or "character" - not that I have found, can see or feel. There's no running, dominant theme through the state's population, other than being hostile to perceived outsiders. There's no "Oregon music," in terms of its own genre, and not even Oregon "cuisine." There's no Oregon style of housing, no Oregon style of gardening, no Oregon style of politics. I can define most of these for Vermont, every state of the South, Texas, Wyoming, California... but not Oregon.
So I have chosen to live in Parallel Oregon. It's a real place - you just have to know about it.
I was going to call it Alt-Oregon, since I listen to Alt-Country. But the Alt-Right highjacked the Alt term to mean something negative. So, Parallel Oregon it is.
Parallel Oregon has a flavor. It has a collective character. It's welcoming. It inspires people to write songs about it, the way they do about other states.
The people here in Parallel Oregon - and there aren't many of us - love that Oregon has so many different ecosystems and landscapes - ocean, mountains, deserts, plains and river valleys. Unlike the Other Oregon, the people of Parallel Oregon get emotional looking at the loveliness of Mount Hood or Crater Laker or Sisters or the Steens Mountain or the Alvord Desert or the Painted Hills or Tillamook Forest, the way people back East do when they look at the Mississippi or the Red River Valley or whatever, so emotional that they write songs about them that become nationally famous and standards in the American Songbook.
There are historic grange halls throughout Oregon, and here in Parallel Oregon, there are plans to use them at least every month for a community dance. The more remote ones host some kind of camping-related event at least once a month in good weather, like a gathering of motorcycle riders or folk music-makers. They also host some kind of annual celebration for local food - a strawberry festival, a marionberry festival, an elk meat festival... There's at least a few weddings there every year as well. Local people are happy to pay the taxes necessary for the upkeep of their local, historic grange hall.
Here in Parallel Oregon, when we go hiking or bicycling or touring on a motorcycle, and we meet other people doing those things, we greet each other warmly, as fellow residents of Parallel Oregon or just appreciative tourists visiting such. We're happy to see others also enjoying the natural beauty and backroads and bi-ways of this amazing place. We don't care if you've been here a day or all your life - all we care is that you are enjoying and respecting the landscape.
Unlike the Other Oregon, the people of Parallel Oregon understand that we co-exist with bears, cougars, wolves and coyotes, and know that, without those animals, we're a poorer state that would be far less interesting, in addition to being overrun with rats and mice. We know that ranchers lose far, far more animals to disease than predators.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we love bicyclists and pedestrians. We stop at intersections to let pedestrians cross - it's not only the law in other Other Oregon, the one most people live in, it's also the law in Parallel Oregon, but here, we follow that law. We know that roads are meant for EVERYONE, including people on bicycles and in cars, and maybe even pedestrians if there is no other place to walk.
Us folks here in Parallel Oregon, we're sad that Oregon doesn't have its own musical traditions like Kentucky or Texas or St. Louis or Bakersfield or Detroit, but we make up for it by just loving absolutely everything, from blues to country to jazz to hip hop to Ukrainian folk music to Japanese Taiko and absolutely everything in between.
Us folks here in Parallel Oregon, we'rel also sad that Oregon doesn't have its own culinary traditions like any of those places either, so, again, we make up for it by loving absolutely everything. We just hope that someone will start making decent Mexican food here, on the same level of quality as what can easily be found in Austin, Texas or San Francisco.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we know at least a bit of the local history, including the industries that have gone or are dying and how that has affected local people and economies. We often don't want those industries back at full throttle, because of the environmental degradation they caused, but we also appreciate that so much of the infrastructure and quality of life we enjoy was funded by those industries once upon a time, and we honor the people who worked so hard to support their families working in such.
Parallel Oregon is place where people love the diversity of the land and welcome the diversity of the people. It's a place where people see and appreciate the original settlers of this land and the immigrants who came after them and the good things from the past, but also where we fully acknowledge the very negative, horrible things of the past. We don't romanticize the time when everyone in a neighborhood was the same culture and religion and newcomers were unwelcomed - even run out.
In Parallel Oregon, we know that around 80 tribes or bands were living in the area before the establishment of European pioneer settlements, and we know that members of these bands are still here. We know that even before the forced relocation of Japanese-Americans during World War II in Oregon, the state's Alien Property Act of 1923 prohibited Japanese-Americans from owning property in Oregon and that Oregon supported the Chinese Exclusion Act, resulting in a very low percentage of Oregonians of Asian descent, especially in comparison to so many cities in California. The 1910 Oregon Census said that no Mexicans or Latinos lived in Oregon, which probably wasn't true. We know that the population crept up over the years because of agriculture, but during the 1950s, Operation Wetback, a military operation, rounded up a million undocumented Mexicans for deportation throughout the USA, including Oregon. We know that by the beginning of the 1980s, Latinos made up about 2.5 percent of the Oregon population, or 65,000 people, but that number is now easily over half a million. We know that, in 2013, only 2 percent of the Oregon population were black, and that the early white Oregonians were anti-slave - not anti-slavery - and also anti-black people. Oregon laws prohibited "any negro or mulatto to enter into, or reside” in Oregon. Oregon was the only free state admitted to the Union with an exclusion clause in its constitution. Oregon also embraced the Ku Klux Klan: racism, religious bigotry and anti-immigrant sentiments were deeply entrenched in Oregon laws, culture, and social life, so the Klan had fertile ground to grow. In 1922, Klansmen won election to local and county offices throughout Oregon, and some Klansmen won seats in the state legislature, and the Klan helped elect LaGrande Democrat Walter M. Pierce as governor. In 1923, Oregon passed a law prohibiting public school teachers from wearing religious garb, in order to prevent Catholic nuns from being teachers (for more information on this very dark side of Oregon, see the Oregon Encyclopedia).
Here in Parallel Oregon, we find the lack of ethnic diversity in the state is jarring. In 1970, the census put it Oregon's population at 97.2% white. In 2010, the census said it was 83.6%. We welcome that changing much more!
We're intensely curious here in Parallel Oregon. We flock to events celebrating or exploring science - biodiversity, astronomy, public health, whatever. A science-based lecture at the local library results in a full house every time.
We're also intensely into sports here in Parallel Oregon. We love the local high school girls volleyball team and the Portland Timbers and some college or university basketball team in the state with equal passion, and even those who don't follow teams know when any of these teams are, or aren't, in championship games. It is a unifying thing, something that brings communities and even the entire state together.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we say "Good morning" to each other. Or "Good evening" It might not be said with a smile or much enthusiasm, but it IS said, with respect. We open doors for each other. We know our neighbors on sight, and at least nod to each other. We'll help someone on mass transit who is lost or having some problems getting somewhere. We know we live in the company of each other, and even if we don't all like each other, even if we'd rather be alone, we acknowledge the right of each other to be here.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we like when someone under 60 runs for political office. We encourage them. We celebrate them - or, at least, don't put them down merely for daring to try to be a leader. And we don't make fun of people who try to be leaders in community groups - we appreciate that they want to step up and do the work, even if we disagree with some of their views.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we don't shame people for what they choose to eat. If someone eats a frozen pizza, or treats the kids to McDonald's, or cooks a meal entirely out of canned foods, we don't turn up our noses and say passive-aggressive things meant to make that person feel horrible about their food choices. We don't shame people for not recycling to the degree that we might be doing.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we love wide open spaces, but we also understand that the Earth can't sustain every person, even every family, living in a single-family home with a yard. When we see an apartment building being built, we don't get angry: we know that many people prefer to live in such spaces, we know that it's better for the environment when people live in such spaces, and we welcome apartment dwellers as people who will patronize our local businesses - even work for such - and participate in our local community events and processes.
When we see homeless people in Oregon, or people who are facing drug abuse issues, we explore why these people are in these situations and what can be done to change those situations, including changing laws and better-funding for programs meant to help them - we don't say, "Why don't the police move them out of here?" and we don't start a canned-food drive thinking that occasional charity will take care of the issue. We know that temporary shelters, food boxes, free socks and public shower spaces help just for a few hours - they don't address homelessness.
The schools in Parallel Oregon welcome all community members as volunteers and event attendees - not just parents. They don't think it's strange that someone without children wants to volunteer at the school, and they use languages and policies that welcome everyone.
Police and fire departments in Parallel Oregon aren't semi-military institutions.
Gun owners in Parallel Oregon NEVER shoot at a sign, and if they are in the presence of someone that does this, they utterly humiliate the person immediately, even if it's a brother or a best friend, and they berate the person so thoroughly that that person never does it again. Gun owners in Parallel Oregon welcome their guns being as licensed and regulated as cars.
There are efforts in Parallel Oregon to create wilderness hostels along long-distance hike and bike trails. And local nonprofit or government-supported community radio staitons, to ensure local news reaches the largest percentage of the population possible, and to broadcast local sporting events and lectures at the local library - churches can pay a small fee to broadcast their weekly services.
Here in Parallel Oregon, much like the Other Oregon, jeans can be formal wear and untucked shirts are acceptable and flowy hippy dresses are good for anywhere.
And newcomers and visitors are welcomed.
More about my travels
Also: Oregon called & said "No, thanks."
So I have chosen to live in Parallel Oregon. It's a real place - you just have to know about it.
I was going to call it Alt-Oregon, since I listen to Alt-Country. But the Alt-Right highjacked the Alt term to mean something negative. So, Parallel Oregon it is.
Parallel Oregon has a flavor. It has a collective character. It's welcoming. It inspires people to write songs about it, the way they do about other states.
The people here in Parallel Oregon - and there aren't many of us - love that Oregon has so many different ecosystems and landscapes - ocean, mountains, deserts, plains and river valleys. Unlike the Other Oregon, the people of Parallel Oregon get emotional looking at the loveliness of Mount Hood or Crater Laker or Sisters or the Steens Mountain or the Alvord Desert or the Painted Hills or Tillamook Forest, the way people back East do when they look at the Mississippi or the Red River Valley or whatever, so emotional that they write songs about them that become nationally famous and standards in the American Songbook.
There are historic grange halls throughout Oregon, and here in Parallel Oregon, there are plans to use them at least every month for a community dance. The more remote ones host some kind of camping-related event at least once a month in good weather, like a gathering of motorcycle riders or folk music-makers. They also host some kind of annual celebration for local food - a strawberry festival, a marionberry festival, an elk meat festival... There's at least a few weddings there every year as well. Local people are happy to pay the taxes necessary for the upkeep of their local, historic grange hall.
Here in Parallel Oregon, when we go hiking or bicycling or touring on a motorcycle, and we meet other people doing those things, we greet each other warmly, as fellow residents of Parallel Oregon or just appreciative tourists visiting such. We're happy to see others also enjoying the natural beauty and backroads and bi-ways of this amazing place. We don't care if you've been here a day or all your life - all we care is that you are enjoying and respecting the landscape.
Unlike the Other Oregon, the people of Parallel Oregon understand that we co-exist with bears, cougars, wolves and coyotes, and know that, without those animals, we're a poorer state that would be far less interesting, in addition to being overrun with rats and mice. We know that ranchers lose far, far more animals to disease than predators.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we love bicyclists and pedestrians. We stop at intersections to let pedestrians cross - it's not only the law in other Other Oregon, the one most people live in, it's also the law in Parallel Oregon, but here, we follow that law. We know that roads are meant for EVERYONE, including people on bicycles and in cars, and maybe even pedestrians if there is no other place to walk.
Us folks here in Parallel Oregon, we're sad that Oregon doesn't have its own musical traditions like Kentucky or Texas or St. Louis or Bakersfield or Detroit, but we make up for it by just loving absolutely everything, from blues to country to jazz to hip hop to Ukrainian folk music to Japanese Taiko and absolutely everything in between.
Us folks here in Parallel Oregon, we'rel also sad that Oregon doesn't have its own culinary traditions like any of those places either, so, again, we make up for it by loving absolutely everything. We just hope that someone will start making decent Mexican food here, on the same level of quality as what can easily be found in Austin, Texas or San Francisco.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we know at least a bit of the local history, including the industries that have gone or are dying and how that has affected local people and economies. We often don't want those industries back at full throttle, because of the environmental degradation they caused, but we also appreciate that so much of the infrastructure and quality of life we enjoy was funded by those industries once upon a time, and we honor the people who worked so hard to support their families working in such.
Parallel Oregon is place where people love the diversity of the land and welcome the diversity of the people. It's a place where people see and appreciate the original settlers of this land and the immigrants who came after them and the good things from the past, but also where we fully acknowledge the very negative, horrible things of the past. We don't romanticize the time when everyone in a neighborhood was the same culture and religion and newcomers were unwelcomed - even run out.
In Parallel Oregon, we know that around 80 tribes or bands were living in the area before the establishment of European pioneer settlements, and we know that members of these bands are still here. We know that even before the forced relocation of Japanese-Americans during World War II in Oregon, the state's Alien Property Act of 1923 prohibited Japanese-Americans from owning property in Oregon and that Oregon supported the Chinese Exclusion Act, resulting in a very low percentage of Oregonians of Asian descent, especially in comparison to so many cities in California. The 1910 Oregon Census said that no Mexicans or Latinos lived in Oregon, which probably wasn't true. We know that the population crept up over the years because of agriculture, but during the 1950s, Operation Wetback, a military operation, rounded up a million undocumented Mexicans for deportation throughout the USA, including Oregon. We know that by the beginning of the 1980s, Latinos made up about 2.5 percent of the Oregon population, or 65,000 people, but that number is now easily over half a million. We know that, in 2013, only 2 percent of the Oregon population were black, and that the early white Oregonians were anti-slave - not anti-slavery - and also anti-black people. Oregon laws prohibited "any negro or mulatto to enter into, or reside” in Oregon. Oregon was the only free state admitted to the Union with an exclusion clause in its constitution. Oregon also embraced the Ku Klux Klan: racism, religious bigotry and anti-immigrant sentiments were deeply entrenched in Oregon laws, culture, and social life, so the Klan had fertile ground to grow. In 1922, Klansmen won election to local and county offices throughout Oregon, and some Klansmen won seats in the state legislature, and the Klan helped elect LaGrande Democrat Walter M. Pierce as governor. In 1923, Oregon passed a law prohibiting public school teachers from wearing religious garb, in order to prevent Catholic nuns from being teachers (for more information on this very dark side of Oregon, see the Oregon Encyclopedia).
Here in Parallel Oregon, we find the lack of ethnic diversity in the state is jarring. In 1970, the census put it Oregon's population at 97.2% white. In 2010, the census said it was 83.6%. We welcome that changing much more!
We're intensely curious here in Parallel Oregon. We flock to events celebrating or exploring science - biodiversity, astronomy, public health, whatever. A science-based lecture at the local library results in a full house every time.
We're also intensely into sports here in Parallel Oregon. We love the local high school girls volleyball team and the Portland Timbers and some college or university basketball team in the state with equal passion, and even those who don't follow teams know when any of these teams are, or aren't, in championship games. It is a unifying thing, something that brings communities and even the entire state together.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we say "Good morning" to each other. Or "Good evening" It might not be said with a smile or much enthusiasm, but it IS said, with respect. We open doors for each other. We know our neighbors on sight, and at least nod to each other. We'll help someone on mass transit who is lost or having some problems getting somewhere. We know we live in the company of each other, and even if we don't all like each other, even if we'd rather be alone, we acknowledge the right of each other to be here.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we like when someone under 60 runs for political office. We encourage them. We celebrate them - or, at least, don't put them down merely for daring to try to be a leader. And we don't make fun of people who try to be leaders in community groups - we appreciate that they want to step up and do the work, even if we disagree with some of their views.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we don't shame people for what they choose to eat. If someone eats a frozen pizza, or treats the kids to McDonald's, or cooks a meal entirely out of canned foods, we don't turn up our noses and say passive-aggressive things meant to make that person feel horrible about their food choices. We don't shame people for not recycling to the degree that we might be doing.
Here in Parallel Oregon, we love wide open spaces, but we also understand that the Earth can't sustain every person, even every family, living in a single-family home with a yard. When we see an apartment building being built, we don't get angry: we know that many people prefer to live in such spaces, we know that it's better for the environment when people live in such spaces, and we welcome apartment dwellers as people who will patronize our local businesses - even work for such - and participate in our local community events and processes.
When we see homeless people in Oregon, or people who are facing drug abuse issues, we explore why these people are in these situations and what can be done to change those situations, including changing laws and better-funding for programs meant to help them - we don't say, "Why don't the police move them out of here?" and we don't start a canned-food drive thinking that occasional charity will take care of the issue. We know that temporary shelters, food boxes, free socks and public shower spaces help just for a few hours - they don't address homelessness.
The schools in Parallel Oregon welcome all community members as volunteers and event attendees - not just parents. They don't think it's strange that someone without children wants to volunteer at the school, and they use languages and policies that welcome everyone.
Police and fire departments in Parallel Oregon aren't semi-military institutions.
Gun owners in Parallel Oregon NEVER shoot at a sign, and if they are in the presence of someone that does this, they utterly humiliate the person immediately, even if it's a brother or a best friend, and they berate the person so thoroughly that that person never does it again. Gun owners in Parallel Oregon welcome their guns being as licensed and regulated as cars.
There are efforts in Parallel Oregon to create wilderness hostels along long-distance hike and bike trails. And local nonprofit or government-supported community radio staitons, to ensure local news reaches the largest percentage of the population possible, and to broadcast local sporting events and lectures at the local library - churches can pay a small fee to broadcast their weekly services.
Here in Parallel Oregon, much like the Other Oregon, jeans can be formal wear and untucked shirts are acceptable and flowy hippy dresses are good for anywhere.
And newcomers and visitors are welcomed.
More about my travels
Also: Oregon called & said "No, thanks."
Saturday, October 12, 2019
Motorcycle Tour of Northern California & Southwestern Oregon: 11 days, 10 nights, 2095 mile
Motorcycle Tour of Northern California & Southwestern Oregon: 11 days, 10 nights, 2095 miles, September 2019. Includes
- My first stay in a yurt
- Cascade-Siskiyou National Monument
- McArthur Burney Falls State Park
- Salmon River Road between Somes Bar and Cecilville, California
- Shasta-Trinity National Forest
- California state road 36
- Empire Mine State Historic Park and Grass Valley
- Downieville, California
- Janesville, California (they misspelled it!)
- Modoc National Forest
- Bear Camp Coastal Route in Josephine County, Oregon
- Seeing the Southwestern part of the Oregon Coast
- historic campground stoves
- & my first water crossing!
Friday, August 16, 2019
What I've learned from watching Judge Judy
The same cases come up over and over on Judge Judy. Day after day, month after month, year after year.
Here are 17 things I’ve learned from watching Judge Judy, and if more people knew them, the show might have to go off the air because the number of cases would plummet. And if you are going on Judge Judy, or going before any judge, knowing these things could help you win your case:
Here are 17 things I’ve learned from watching Judge Judy, and if more people knew them, the show might have to go off the air because the number of cases would plummet. And if you are going on Judge Judy, or going before any judge, knowing these things could help you win your case:
- You may not withhold rent because of lack of plumbing, your stove doesn't work, there are bugs, etc. and think you won't have to pay that money ever. If you live in an apartment, you have to pay rent. If you pay rent for an entire month and move early because of severe issues, you can sue for the return of your rent - though you may not be successful. It's the "steak" rule - if you take one or two bites of the steak and don't like it, you can send it back and won't be asked to pay for it. But if you eat the steak and then complain, tough luck.
- Cleaning a house is not the same as paying rent, making a car payment or making a payment on a loan, nor is babysitting for free, cooking, picking up dinner out, fixing a car or doing yard work. Unless you have a written agreement saying that you can do these things and get a break on rent, or not pay rent at all, or in lieu of making a payment, none of this work can be considered as a substitution.
- When you lend money to someone who already owes you money from another loan, and then you try to sue them for all those loans, the court may determine that you had no expectation of repayment. If you keep lending someone money and they don't pay you back, it will be very difficult to successfully sue for that money without a written agreement, signed by the borrower, saying he or she will pay you back.
- If you are going to loan a big amount of cash for anyone, no matter your relationship with them (girlfriend, boyfriend, daughter, son, parent, grandchild) - for a car, for tuition, for bail, for a motorcycle, for an entire new wardrobe, etc. - get it in writing that it’s a loan and that the lender agrees to pay you back. This written agreement should also say they will pay you back by a certain date or per a certain event happening, like the settlement of a court case or an inheritance, or that they will pay at least a certain amount every month. The agreement should NOT be that they will pay it back whenever they might be able to. Otherwise, if you try to sue for this money, the court may say these loans were gifts, or say that someone agreeing to pay you back “whenever they might be able to” could be 50 years from now or never.
- When you make a payment to someone, get a receipt or a copy of your canceled check. Do not rely on a bank statement that has money withdrawn from your account. No documentation of providing a payment? Then as far as the court is concerned, there have been no payments.
- You will not successfully sue an ex-boyfriend, an ex-girlfriend, an ex-roommate, etc., nor your child, nor your parent, for the meals, grocery, clothes, furniture, dishwater, appliances or other items you have paid for, even gas for their car, because these are interpreted by the courts as gifts.
- Never co-sign a car loan. Never co-sign a car loan. Never co-sign a car loan.
- Never loan your credit card to anyone. Never loan your credit card to anyone. Never loan your credit card to anyone.
- Saying online anywhere that a business didn't give you what you paid them for or that you are dissatisfied with their product or service is perfectly legal IF that business really didn't give you what you paid for or you were dissatisfied. Using insulting descriptions of a business, like saying they are "crooks" or “stupid”, *may* be considered libel. Stick with the facts - they did this, they did not do this, they said this, they did not call me, etc. - don't express opinions or engage in name-calling.
- You may be sued if you get a flatmate or housemate removed from your home, even if it's a family member, via a restraining order rather than eviction. If someone lives in your house, even if they stop paying rent, you can’t just pack them up and move them out - you have to go to court for an eviction notice.
- Landlords should take photos of an apartment before any tenants move in. Without that, photos showing damage AFTER someone moves in, even after they move out, are meaningless.
- You are an idiot if you don’t have home owner’s insurance or renter’s insurance.
- Dates are everything. Know the date the loan was discussed, the date the loan was made, the date a person was arrested, the date a car was purchased, the date you moved in, the date he moved out, the date of the dog attack, whatever.
- When you are asked, "Do you work," have a definite answer. If you aren't working, be able to say how you support yourself (where the money comes from to pay for your rent, utilities, food, etc.).
- Your dog and anything it does is your responsibility. If your bites someone or another dog and your dog is not on a leash or isn’t in your yard or in your house at the time, no matter the circumstances, it’s your responsibility to pay for any damages, like medical bills. No matter how much the other dog was jumping or yapping, no matter how hysterical the person was being, unless the dog was on your property and the person or dog came onto your property uninvited, you are going to have to pay for damages.
- If your dog sticks its head through the neighbor’s fence and your neighbor’s dog bites your dog, your neighbor is NOT responsible - your dog went onto someone else’s property.
- Dress for her court the way you would dress for a job interview for a high-paying position in a lawyer's office. Don't dress for a glamor photo session or the beach.
Friday, August 9, 2019
Gen X, struggling for employment? I hear you
This week, a national award for being a fabulous employer was presented to the program where I tried to get a job recently - my first face-to-face, onsite interview in the last decade. Of course, the news about the award was all over my Facebook newsfeed because I follow local politicians and local government offices. Have some salt for that wound, Jayne...
Anyway...
Are you 50 or over, a seasoned professional, struggling to continue in your career - you've been laid off or you quit and moved somewhere or you took a work break, whatever, and now, you just cannot even get an interview, let alone get hired? And months have stretched out into years? I just want you to know: I hear you. I get it.
Are you hesitant to talk about your job frustrations because it makes you a downer to friends, who would much prefer you post feisty political memes or hilarious observations about life to social media, or talk about the weather or what you're watching on Netflix, than talk about this time of incredible frustration and fear and insecurity and loss of identity? I hear you. I get it.
Are people trying to be helpful by sending you advice and thoughts and platitudes that appropriate for a 20 or 30 something, someone just starting out (the best is yet to come! your hard work will pay off! keep dreaming!), but not at all for a seasoned professional with a great deal of expertise and accomplishments? I hear you. I get it.
Are people chastising you for being so tied up in your professional identity and telling you that your job is not you, and you are not your job, thereby negating something you cherish, that you are so proud of? I so hear you. I so get it.
You Generation X folks in particular, I so get it: you probably have already changed careers at least twice since you started working decades ago - you had to, in order to survive. You know the incredible amount of time and finances it takes to go from one profession to another - been there, done that! At 50 or over, you don't have the time, finances or inclination to do that yet again - to get yet another degree or certificate. You've worked hard, you've excelled, you've grown, you've got a great deal of accomplishments under your belt and YOU ARE NOT DONE. You have more to offer, there's more you want to do, and you may even feel that your best work is in front of you. You are proud of the years of study and work that got you to this level of expertise and you aren't even close to wanting to retire it. You love that career and you are hungry to stay a part of it and you have proven, over and over, that you CAN do this! I hear you. I get it.
I'm not going to tell you Don't give up!, in terms of continuing to try to re-ignite your career. Because, for financial reasons, you might have to give up your career and do something entirely different just to pay the bills. The reality is that your time in that career may, indeed, be over. And it hurts like hell to realize your career, your passion, your cherished identity, is over. I get that more than I can put into words. I so admire former software engineers that now have successful food carts, or former journalists that now work at a bank, people that had to walk away from their careers but also had the talent and interest either for a second, lower-paying career or another job that isn't their passion but will pay the bills. I'm jealous, in fact, of those people. I can build a basic web site and figure out database software in just a few minutes, but I couldn't run a cash register to save my life. If I could be a Waffle House line cook, I would - but there is nothing like a Waffle House around here and I can't cook anything the same way twice, let alone under pressure. I have loved my career, my identity, and it's heart-breaking to give it up. It's easier if you can find the new thing to feed your passion. I'm still working on that myself.
All I can do is tell you what I keep telling myself: keep trying to get back into your career, but also keep looking for something that will pay the bills and won't bore you to tears or make you feel like a failure. And in the course of that, maybe you will find a job that will take you into retirement, one that isn't necessarily your passion or identity but that is something worth getting out of bed for. I pour over indeed.com once every other week, not looking for the jobs that are a part of my career - those jobs are posted elsewhere, where I also look - but for any job that I think I could do, that would be worth the commute and that wouldn't be humiliating (I did the humiliating jobs at 19 and 21 - those two summers were enough for a lifetime, thanks). If you are facing something dire financially, you're going to have to take anything you can get, and if that happens: do your best in that job and do everything you possibly can outside of work to keep up your self-esteem.
I have watched Julie & Julia more times that I care to admit. The "modern" part is okay, but it's the Julia Child part... I am so envious: after a successful career doing something completely different, she found her new calling as a cooking teacher in her 40s, then found incredible fame in her 50s. I've tried to find inspiration from that, as well as from the story of Agnes De Mille. I have a long list of ideas, more than 50, for businesses, for trips, for projects... and I've tried undertaking a few. But nothing is sticking... but I'll keep trying.
Keep up-to-date on what's happening in your career in the way you would if you had a job if you are still trying to work in that field. Regularly read an online magazine or blog related to your career. Consider writing your own blog on a subject related to your career if you feel that it would help your portfolio in your job search. I'm so active on my blog and my professionally-related social media channels that people have thought I have been employed in the last decade - which is good in that I have seemed successful but maybe bad in that people haven't thought I was available for jobs? I'll never know...
But when you know it's time to do something else, and have something else to do, stop reading those magazines, stop reading those blogs, at least for a while - you don't need to be reminded of what you have given up, not until you can do so and it doesn't hurt.
I'll also say that you need to keep busy: do a daily physical activity, try a sport, take a class, anything. It will help your mental health. It will keep you going more than anything else as you try to get back into your career or a new career, or you transition into just-work-to-pay-bills. I walk 2-3 miles every day. I ride my motorcycle and I garden once or twice a week. I cook actual meals myself for me and Stefan at least three times a week and try out new recipes - I didn't learn to cook until I was about 40, and I'm entirely self-taught (and it SHOWS, believe me). Those activities are sometimes the only thing keeping me going on a day-to-day basis.
If you can afford it, do things you love, like going to concerts or the movies. If you can't afford it, do your best to budget so you can do that thing you love at least sometimes, even just once or twice a year. Sometimes, that $100 concert will give you the emotional and mental health boost you need for the next couple of months, and that still makes it cheaper than therapy.
Support groups for the unemployed help some people - but can also make you feel worse. When they are helpful, they give you an emotional outlet regarding your frustrations at not being employed and bring you in contact with other wonderful people (spoiler alert: they rarely provide job leads). When they aren't helpful, they make you feel worse. If you go to such a group and find that it is NOT making you feel better, STOP GOING.
Therapy is great - if you can afford it and you can find a therapist that really gets what this is like (not all do).
Try to volunteer, but know that volunteering can be a lot like finding a job: it may take a dozen applications before you find an organization that will respond to your application, and most organizations don't make the investment necessary to give volunteers a worthwhile experience - you may get thrown into a task with no training, you may never be given a context for the work you do and the organization may not like your questions (how is this really helping people who are homeless?), and you may never get properly recognized for your work. If you can prepare yourself mentally for these frustrations and not expect a perfect, uplifting experience, you are more likely to find a worthwhile volunteering experience. Just try not to take the lack of communication or support personally - it's them, not you.
I'm not going to say that you should go to a church or temple or mosque. I'm not going to tell you not to. I'll just say that it is not at all helpful to me, but if it is for you, hurrah.
Keep your distance from people that just don't get what you are going through. You shouldn't be around people that aren't going to allow you to be you and aren't going to make you feel comfortable when you sometimes need to talk about your employment frustrations. You shouldn't be around people who are going to chastise you for your negative feelings - you have every right to those feelings. Just do your best not to let frustration consume you. That's hard, I know. Believe me, I know.
If you can afford it (it doesn't pay much), think about applying for a six-to-12 month gig with Peace Corps Response, a shorter-term program by the Peace Corps. Your professional experience might be exactly what is needed somewhere. These openings change frequently, so check often. And if you do get an interview, even if you don't ultimately get the post, you should brag about it!
Do your best not to compare yourself to other people your age who aren't facing these circumstances, who are still in their chosen career or are doing what they love or who have remade themselves for a new role. They don't understand - forgive them for the incredibly inappropriate things they might say. If they bring you down, avoid them, at least for a while. People our age who still have their careers can fall into the belief that luck has nothing to do with their success. Spoiler alert: to a degree, chance always plays some role in success or failure.
Rehearse how to answer the question, "So, what do you do?"
Self-reflect, re-assess your skills and attitudes, always be looking for ways to improve your résumé and LinkedIn profile, but don't go down the hole of believing this is all entirely your fault. Age discrimination is real. I'll say it again: age discrimination is real. Despite people 50 and over being more likely to NOT move to another area and NOT have childcare responsibilities, despite people over 50 being excellent investments, ideas about us not being able to learn or not being energetic or healthy or flexible persist.
So, that's it. That's all I got. That's how I'm surviving these 10+ years of going through this. It may be my plan for the next 15 years, until I retire for real and officially. If you have more advice on how to survive this extremely difficult time, by all means, comment below!
Anyway...
Are you 50 or over, a seasoned professional, struggling to continue in your career - you've been laid off or you quit and moved somewhere or you took a work break, whatever, and now, you just cannot even get an interview, let alone get hired? And months have stretched out into years? I just want you to know: I hear you. I get it.
Are you hesitant to talk about your job frustrations because it makes you a downer to friends, who would much prefer you post feisty political memes or hilarious observations about life to social media, or talk about the weather or what you're watching on Netflix, than talk about this time of incredible frustration and fear and insecurity and loss of identity? I hear you. I get it.
Are people trying to be helpful by sending you advice and thoughts and platitudes that appropriate for a 20 or 30 something, someone just starting out (the best is yet to come! your hard work will pay off! keep dreaming!), but not at all for a seasoned professional with a great deal of expertise and accomplishments? I hear you. I get it.
Are people chastising you for being so tied up in your professional identity and telling you that your job is not you, and you are not your job, thereby negating something you cherish, that you are so proud of? I so hear you. I so get it.
You Generation X folks in particular, I so get it: you probably have already changed careers at least twice since you started working decades ago - you had to, in order to survive. You know the incredible amount of time and finances it takes to go from one profession to another - been there, done that! At 50 or over, you don't have the time, finances or inclination to do that yet again - to get yet another degree or certificate. You've worked hard, you've excelled, you've grown, you've got a great deal of accomplishments under your belt and YOU ARE NOT DONE. You have more to offer, there's more you want to do, and you may even feel that your best work is in front of you. You are proud of the years of study and work that got you to this level of expertise and you aren't even close to wanting to retire it. You love that career and you are hungry to stay a part of it and you have proven, over and over, that you CAN do this! I hear you. I get it.
I'm not going to tell you Don't give up!, in terms of continuing to try to re-ignite your career. Because, for financial reasons, you might have to give up your career and do something entirely different just to pay the bills. The reality is that your time in that career may, indeed, be over. And it hurts like hell to realize your career, your passion, your cherished identity, is over. I get that more than I can put into words. I so admire former software engineers that now have successful food carts, or former journalists that now work at a bank, people that had to walk away from their careers but also had the talent and interest either for a second, lower-paying career or another job that isn't their passion but will pay the bills. I'm jealous, in fact, of those people. I can build a basic web site and figure out database software in just a few minutes, but I couldn't run a cash register to save my life. If I could be a Waffle House line cook, I would - but there is nothing like a Waffle House around here and I can't cook anything the same way twice, let alone under pressure. I have loved my career, my identity, and it's heart-breaking to give it up. It's easier if you can find the new thing to feed your passion. I'm still working on that myself.
All I can do is tell you what I keep telling myself: keep trying to get back into your career, but also keep looking for something that will pay the bills and won't bore you to tears or make you feel like a failure. And in the course of that, maybe you will find a job that will take you into retirement, one that isn't necessarily your passion or identity but that is something worth getting out of bed for. I pour over indeed.com once every other week, not looking for the jobs that are a part of my career - those jobs are posted elsewhere, where I also look - but for any job that I think I could do, that would be worth the commute and that wouldn't be humiliating (I did the humiliating jobs at 19 and 21 - those two summers were enough for a lifetime, thanks). If you are facing something dire financially, you're going to have to take anything you can get, and if that happens: do your best in that job and do everything you possibly can outside of work to keep up your self-esteem.
I have watched Julie & Julia more times that I care to admit. The "modern" part is okay, but it's the Julia Child part... I am so envious: after a successful career doing something completely different, she found her new calling as a cooking teacher in her 40s, then found incredible fame in her 50s. I've tried to find inspiration from that, as well as from the story of Agnes De Mille. I have a long list of ideas, more than 50, for businesses, for trips, for projects... and I've tried undertaking a few. But nothing is sticking... but I'll keep trying.
Keep up-to-date on what's happening in your career in the way you would if you had a job if you are still trying to work in that field. Regularly read an online magazine or blog related to your career. Consider writing your own blog on a subject related to your career if you feel that it would help your portfolio in your job search. I'm so active on my blog and my professionally-related social media channels that people have thought I have been employed in the last decade - which is good in that I have seemed successful but maybe bad in that people haven't thought I was available for jobs? I'll never know...
But when you know it's time to do something else, and have something else to do, stop reading those magazines, stop reading those blogs, at least for a while - you don't need to be reminded of what you have given up, not until you can do so and it doesn't hurt.
I'll also say that you need to keep busy: do a daily physical activity, try a sport, take a class, anything. It will help your mental health. It will keep you going more than anything else as you try to get back into your career or a new career, or you transition into just-work-to-pay-bills. I walk 2-3 miles every day. I ride my motorcycle and I garden once or twice a week. I cook actual meals myself for me and Stefan at least three times a week and try out new recipes - I didn't learn to cook until I was about 40, and I'm entirely self-taught (and it SHOWS, believe me). Those activities are sometimes the only thing keeping me going on a day-to-day basis.
If you can afford it, do things you love, like going to concerts or the movies. If you can't afford it, do your best to budget so you can do that thing you love at least sometimes, even just once or twice a year. Sometimes, that $100 concert will give you the emotional and mental health boost you need for the next couple of months, and that still makes it cheaper than therapy.
Support groups for the unemployed help some people - but can also make you feel worse. When they are helpful, they give you an emotional outlet regarding your frustrations at not being employed and bring you in contact with other wonderful people (spoiler alert: they rarely provide job leads). When they aren't helpful, they make you feel worse. If you go to such a group and find that it is NOT making you feel better, STOP GOING.
Therapy is great - if you can afford it and you can find a therapist that really gets what this is like (not all do).
Try to volunteer, but know that volunteering can be a lot like finding a job: it may take a dozen applications before you find an organization that will respond to your application, and most organizations don't make the investment necessary to give volunteers a worthwhile experience - you may get thrown into a task with no training, you may never be given a context for the work you do and the organization may not like your questions (how is this really helping people who are homeless?), and you may never get properly recognized for your work. If you can prepare yourself mentally for these frustrations and not expect a perfect, uplifting experience, you are more likely to find a worthwhile volunteering experience. Just try not to take the lack of communication or support personally - it's them, not you.
I'm not going to say that you should go to a church or temple or mosque. I'm not going to tell you not to. I'll just say that it is not at all helpful to me, but if it is for you, hurrah.
Keep your distance from people that just don't get what you are going through. You shouldn't be around people that aren't going to allow you to be you and aren't going to make you feel comfortable when you sometimes need to talk about your employment frustrations. You shouldn't be around people who are going to chastise you for your negative feelings - you have every right to those feelings. Just do your best not to let frustration consume you. That's hard, I know. Believe me, I know.
If you can afford it (it doesn't pay much), think about applying for a six-to-12 month gig with Peace Corps Response, a shorter-term program by the Peace Corps. Your professional experience might be exactly what is needed somewhere. These openings change frequently, so check often. And if you do get an interview, even if you don't ultimately get the post, you should brag about it!
Do your best not to compare yourself to other people your age who aren't facing these circumstances, who are still in their chosen career or are doing what they love or who have remade themselves for a new role. They don't understand - forgive them for the incredibly inappropriate things they might say. If they bring you down, avoid them, at least for a while. People our age who still have their careers can fall into the belief that luck has nothing to do with their success. Spoiler alert: to a degree, chance always plays some role in success or failure.
Rehearse how to answer the question, "So, what do you do?"
Self-reflect, re-assess your skills and attitudes, always be looking for ways to improve your résumé and LinkedIn profile, but don't go down the hole of believing this is all entirely your fault. Age discrimination is real. I'll say it again: age discrimination is real. Despite people 50 and over being more likely to NOT move to another area and NOT have childcare responsibilities, despite people over 50 being excellent investments, ideas about us not being able to learn or not being energetic or healthy or flexible persist.
So, that's it. That's all I got. That's how I'm surviving these 10+ years of going through this. It may be my plan for the next 15 years, until I retire for real and officially. If you have more advice on how to survive this extremely difficult time, by all means, comment below!
Sunday, July 14, 2019
The Privilege of Positivity
From The Privilege of Positivity by John Pavlovitz
If being positive, means to not call out abject racism,
if it means, not to advocate for migrant families in cages,
if it means, to silently ignore human rights atrocities,
if it means, allowing my LGBTQ friends to have their rights eroded,
if it means, to make peace with bigotry in the highest levels of our Government...
if it means, to avoid unpleasant conversations about the things that burden my heart because they make other people uncomfortable—then I guess I won’t be positive today.
Being positive is a privilege.
If you are living a life where you will post nothing but kitten videos and photos of your food on social media to that you don't have to have anything "negative" in your life these days, you are privileged. If you aren't having to worry about coming home to find our spouse gone - deported - or an eviction notice that you know is because your landlord found out you're gay, if you have never had to worry that your son, husband or brother will die in police custody or during a traffic stop, if no creditors are calling you, if you haven't spent hours on the phone and in offices fighting for access to health care, you are privileged.
I am privileged in a million ways. But I'm still thinking about, and talking about, kids in cages. Oh, and yes, those ARE concentration camps - every reference to the Nazi camps BEFORE the world knew they were death camps is "concentration camps." They are referenced in Casablanca and joked about in To Be Or Not To Be - two movies made before the world realized they were so much more than just concentration camps.
Wonder what we're going to realize as time goes on and the truth emerges...
I'm not saying post the kitten videos. I like the kitten videos. But if you get to take a break and "stay positive", at least recognize your privilege.
If being positive, means to not call out abject racism,
if it means, not to advocate for migrant families in cages,
if it means, to silently ignore human rights atrocities,
if it means, allowing my LGBTQ friends to have their rights eroded,
if it means, to make peace with bigotry in the highest levels of our Government...
if it means, to avoid unpleasant conversations about the things that burden my heart because they make other people uncomfortable—then I guess I won’t be positive today.
Being positive is a privilege.
If you are living a life where you will post nothing but kitten videos and photos of your food on social media to that you don't have to have anything "negative" in your life these days, you are privileged. If you aren't having to worry about coming home to find our spouse gone - deported - or an eviction notice that you know is because your landlord found out you're gay, if you have never had to worry that your son, husband or brother will die in police custody or during a traffic stop, if no creditors are calling you, if you haven't spent hours on the phone and in offices fighting for access to health care, you are privileged.
I am privileged in a million ways. But I'm still thinking about, and talking about, kids in cages. Oh, and yes, those ARE concentration camps - every reference to the Nazi camps BEFORE the world knew they were death camps is "concentration camps." They are referenced in Casablanca and joked about in To Be Or Not To Be - two movies made before the world realized they were so much more than just concentration camps.
Wonder what we're going to realize as time goes on and the truth emerges...
I'm not saying post the kitten videos. I like the kitten videos. But if you get to take a break and "stay positive", at least recognize your privilege.
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Oregon called & said "No, thanks."
When I moved back to the USA, I was determined to make a home out of wherever it was I chose to live, to fully integrate myself as a returned citizen after 10 years abroad.
I had a plan on how to do it. And I was methodical and diligent and strategic. And I thought I was doing great. In pursuit of fully investing in this community, in order to call it "mine":
And, yet, at a face-to-face job interview in June - only the second face-to-face interview I've had for a job since moving back to the USA - I was asked, incredulously, why I was applying for a local government job because, after all, I wasn't really a part of the community. It was the moment when I knew that I wasn't getting the job.
Outside of the city of Portland, the state of Oregon is one of those places that, if you weren't born here, or somewhere else in the Pacific Northwest, your presence here is looked at with skepticism. If you move here from another part of the USA - particularly, God forbid, from California - then the only acceptable reason for you to move here is that you, or your spouse, got a job at Intel or Nike or that you had to take care of your parents or in-laws that still live here. I expected Texas to treat outsiders this way, but in the more than four years I lived in Texas, I felt welcomed, even when I was well outside of Austin. Were it not for the annual six months of unbearable heat, I would have moved back to Austin when I left Germany.
I have lived in Oregon longer than I lived in Germany. And for 10 years, pretty much every time I have told someone in Oregon that I moved here from Germany, they have asked, incredulously, "Why?!" The question is loaded with all kinds of inference, including:
Why would you leave Europe?
Why would you give up your career?
Why would you choose here and not New York or Washington DC or San Francisco?
This area has NOTHING to offer YOU.
Among the MANY phrases I would love to never, ever hear again is this one:
Why did you move here?
It’s not said as a put down of the place where I live, as in Why would you move to this place, which is really boring. It’s said as a put down of me, as in If you have really done all this international work and international travel, why did you move to Oregon, to this place where I was born/chose to live? It’s said with snark, with incredulity, and often, with skepticism. The implication is that I must be lying about my background, or be hiding out because I screwed up somewhere else.
The backlash in Oregon regarding newcomers is exhausting. Oregonians make it clear that if you aren't born here, you will always be an outsider. How hostile can it be here for people not from here? Here's but one example of the kinds of things posted to the community group for the city where I live in the PDX metro area:
What we need is NO MORE people here!!! I know I sound like a broken record but the city leaders of this town just dont care if ths town stays small and manageable or not. Way too much new housing. This is all going to come back and bite everyone in the hiney with everyone having their hand out for more money for schools, electricity, transit, grocery stores and on and on. It's done and it's just going to get worse now. It all feels so defeating. Just sad
These comments are posted ALL the time. And if I'm feeling unwelcomed, I can't imagine how horrible it is for the many Latino immigrants all around me.
Contrary to popular belief, I cannot live anywhere I want to in the world. I cannot live in Scotland, for instance, because I am not a citizen of the United Kingdom. And I can't work in any language other than English, which negates any chance of me ever working in Europe unless some international agency recruits me. And I don’t want to live in a big city - New York or Washington DC or San Francisco - because, while I have loved living in big cities when I was younger, and while I love visiting them, I’m older now and my tastes and lifestyle has changed. I want to have a garden, I want to walk in neighborhoods that have trees, I want to sit in my backyard and feel somewhat isolated, I want to walk to neighborhood festivals… to do that in a residential neighborhood in Portland would require a salary of about half a million a year, and in San Francisco… I’d have to win big in the lottery.
Why is it weird that I’ve chosen a small town in Oregon? I have to live somewhere. Why not Oregon? Why not this little town of less than 30,000 people?
And why can't someone live in a small town and also care about world affairs, travel globally, even work globally? Why can't someone live in a small town and also want to learn other languages and delight in different cultures? Is all of that reserved only for people living in big cities? Really? And why is it strange that someone would try to make a home here, to treat the community as something more than just a place to sleep at night?
I had all sorts of great reasons for choosing to live in the Portland, Oregon area, in addition to the weather: I had heard it was fun and progressive and bicycle-friendly and had great beer and was booming economically. But I knew after just a week that Portland wasn't quite what we'd been told. The first year we were here, I would comment about how taken aback I was at the open drug use and homelessness in downtown and Portlandiers were offended at my comments - "I haven't seen that" and "It's no worse here than anywhere else!" and on and on. I stopped talking about it. And progressive? The Oregon tax system favors the top 1% just like everywhere. The booming businesses here do not support nonprofits financially anywhere near the rates they should, and the salaries offered by these nonprofits are shamefully low - far from living wages. The condition of too many public schools - infrastructure, class sizes, arts offerings - are also shameful, and all these supposedly progressive folks in Portland refuse every bond measure to make things better. You would think an area that prides itself on being progressive would have outstanding public schools and the funding for such. Portlandiers wax poetic about their mass transit system - but as someone who actually takes it regularly, relies on it, I can tell you that I'm one of the few people on the bus with a driver's license, one of the few people taking it out of choice. And bicycle-friendly? That's been the biggest joke of all. No way would I ride a bicycle in downtown Portland. I'm terrified every time I do it here in this small town.
Do I feel cut off living in this small town? Oh, gads, yes. If you live outside the USA, you actually know what is happening globally. In the USA, we’re on a global news blackout. I wish so much we got CNN International. I have to work to stay connected to what's happening outside this country. Some Facebook groups I'm on for humanitarian workers, Twitter and non-USA news outlets are very helpful in that regard. But having that international focus seems to isolate me even more from people around here.
None of my efforts have lead to me feeling a part of anything. None of it has made me feel like I'm making a different in the places where I've lived since moving back here. They haven't even lead to that many friendships (though I'm grateful for the few I have gotten as a result). In fact, it's lead to far more negative comments and experiences than positive ones. Maybe it's just Oregon, but the amount of snarky comments here for anyone trying to do something good, whether they are running for office or volunteer at an event, are overwhelming. There's only one other place I've seen such cutting down of tall poppies: Afghanistan, where women - I guess because they have so little power - will cut other women down like it's the most fun you can possibly have.
I have a specific walking route that I do with my dog on weekdays, and I do that route specifically to avoid people - I just want to think and be alone, especially lately. A local guy that runs a couple of nonprofit initiatives and recruited me to volunteer for such - and I've resigned from them and really don't want to be involved with anymore - saw me walking and stopped his car, pulled over, and said, "I really would like to walk with you and talk with you." And I know I turned white as a sheet. I almost started crying. I said, "No, I'm on my own time right now, I can't talk, maybe next week" and I just walked away. I just felt so... goddamn it, leave me alone! He wasn't being creepy, but it just felt so unbelievably, incredibly intrusive. And I'm like, well, great, where am I supposed to walk now to avoid people, including YOU? I want a t-shirt that says, "Don't talk to me."
I used to be Miss Good Morning! In fact, two former local frenemies made fun of me for being that person, and for how much I missed living in a place where people say "Good morning" and how I was trying to be that person here. They are both native Pacific North Westerners, and they think greeting strangers is stupid and intrusive. They loved to roll my eyes at how much I liked to talk to neighbors, how I stopped frequently during walks to chat people up.
Welp, I guess I'm now a true Pacific North Westerner: I don't want anyone to talk to me. Have you avoided me because I'm such a chatty Cathy? Well, don't worry - those days are over. The only person who still has to put up with that is my husband and my hairdresser.
Months after we bought this house, my first house ever, I tried to read Sinclair Lewis' Main Street, hoping for a similar literary experience to Elmer Gantry, one of my favorite books of all time. But I had to quit early on because the story was WAY too close to what I had experienced in my first four years in Oregon: outsider moves to a town, tries to be friendly, tries to be a part of the community, gets a hostile reception, gets derided for her ideas and her worldliness, becomes isolated and ends up being miserable.
For all I know, we would have been miserable had we moved elsewhere, or had we stayed in Europe. Maybe this is the best we could have it: my husband got employed almost immediately after we moved to Oregon, and in the job he is in now, he is beloved. He's got a career, a beautiful place to ride his motorcycle and he's a volunteer firefighter. I'm so happy for him.
I'm not as nice as I used to be. And I think it's not only because of the November 2016 election - I think it's also because of the Pacific Northwest. I try to remember, and to care about, the potential to do one good thing for someone else today, or this week. I try to remember, and to care about, how much a small act of kindness can mean to strangers, neighbors and friends - opening a door for someone whose hands are full, offering to take a shopping cart back for a woman dealing with a grumpy child, giving up your seat for someone you decide needs it more, not getting upset at a screwup by a shop clerk - I try to remember, and to care that, it can mean whether or not someone goes home and cries as soon as they get home, and for the rest of the night. I try to remember that I do have power, and I can use it for good or for bad.
But trying is getting harder and harder.
Here in Oregon, it feels like all of my work for the last 10 years to invest in this community has been for absolutely nothing. Making this my home has been like a full-time job for me, in lieu of having an actual full-time job. And none of it, ultimately, has mattered.
I'm not from here, and I'm never to forget that. Okay, message has been received: the people of Oregon are just not that into me.
I had a plan on how to do it. And I was methodical and diligent and strategic. And I thought I was doing great. In pursuit of fully investing in this community, in order to call it "mine":
- I bought my first house ever in my life, here in Oregon, in the county where I live now.
- I joined a citizens' government advisory group regarding bicycles and pedestrians in the Oregon town where I lived before this one, and joined another one, regarding public safety, after moving here.
- I participated in a series of citizens advisory meetings by a state agency regarding bicycle tourism.
- I joined a county government advisory board for the arts.
- I joined the local chapter of the League of Women Voters.
- I took the 12-week citizens academy by the local sheriff's department and went on a ride-a-long with a deputy overnight.
- I've volunteered at candidate forums and attended even more.
- I 've attended town halls by local elected officials - state representative, US Representative and US Senators.
- I've attended so many city council meetings and work sessions that a rumor started that I was running for office.
- I put in almost 24 hours checking ballots about to be counted in the 2014 elections here in the county where I live.
- I registered voters at a local farmer's market and an area high school.
- I've had coffee with staff from various local nonprofits, people running for office, local government officials - even the police chief.
- I regularly searched for nonprofit and government events to share on Facebook and Reddit, and live-tweeted a couple of local government events, and shared so much, so often, related to government meetings that people have asked me if I work for the local government or the local newspaper.
- I've attended civic theater productions, university shows and public lectures.
- I have been a user of the mass transit in this region as my primary means of town-to-town transportation for the entire 10 years I've been in Oregon and I joined the online advisory group for mass transit (I fill out a LOT of surveys).
- I started a Facebook group to talk about bicyclists and pedestrians in this part of the county where I lived, and was invited to talk about it on a local public access TV show
- I volunteered to help move a public library to its new building (and made my husband volunteer too).
- I did a free workshop on my area of expertise for local nonprofits and met with people founding nonprofits to help them solidify their visions.
- I attended two public events at a mosque in the county and attended some events at area churches - I'm an atheist, but I wanted to show my support for these specific events.
- I've walked every neighborhood of the town where I live. Granted, it's not that big a town, but I've walked EVERY neighborhood.
- I've attended a range of public events all over the county, from strawberry festivals to German Christmas markets to corn roasts to a world premiere theater production.
- I volunteered with local Girl Scout troops for almost two years.
- I've ridden my motorcycle all over Oregon, and all over this county in particular - I think I've seen more of both than most people born here.
And, yet, at a face-to-face job interview in June - only the second face-to-face interview I've had for a job since moving back to the USA - I was asked, incredulously, why I was applying for a local government job because, after all, I wasn't really a part of the community. It was the moment when I knew that I wasn't getting the job.
Outside of the city of Portland, the state of Oregon is one of those places that, if you weren't born here, or somewhere else in the Pacific Northwest, your presence here is looked at with skepticism. If you move here from another part of the USA - particularly, God forbid, from California - then the only acceptable reason for you to move here is that you, or your spouse, got a job at Intel or Nike or that you had to take care of your parents or in-laws that still live here. I expected Texas to treat outsiders this way, but in the more than four years I lived in Texas, I felt welcomed, even when I was well outside of Austin. Were it not for the annual six months of unbearable heat, I would have moved back to Austin when I left Germany.
I have lived in Oregon longer than I lived in Germany. And for 10 years, pretty much every time I have told someone in Oregon that I moved here from Germany, they have asked, incredulously, "Why?!" The question is loaded with all kinds of inference, including:
Why would you leave Europe?
Why would you give up your career?
Why would you choose here and not New York or Washington DC or San Francisco?
This area has NOTHING to offer YOU.
Among the MANY phrases I would love to never, ever hear again is this one:
Why did you move here?
It’s not said as a put down of the place where I live, as in Why would you move to this place, which is really boring. It’s said as a put down of me, as in If you have really done all this international work and international travel, why did you move to Oregon, to this place where I was born/chose to live? It’s said with snark, with incredulity, and often, with skepticism. The implication is that I must be lying about my background, or be hiding out because I screwed up somewhere else.
The backlash in Oregon regarding newcomers is exhausting. Oregonians make it clear that if you aren't born here, you will always be an outsider. How hostile can it be here for people not from here? Here's but one example of the kinds of things posted to the community group for the city where I live in the PDX metro area:
What we need is NO MORE people here!!! I know I sound like a broken record but the city leaders of this town just dont care if ths town stays small and manageable or not. Way too much new housing. This is all going to come back and bite everyone in the hiney with everyone having their hand out for more money for schools, electricity, transit, grocery stores and on and on. It's done and it's just going to get worse now. It all feels so defeating. Just sad
These comments are posted ALL the time. And if I'm feeling unwelcomed, I can't imagine how horrible it is for the many Latino immigrants all around me.
Contrary to popular belief, I cannot live anywhere I want to in the world. I cannot live in Scotland, for instance, because I am not a citizen of the United Kingdom. And I can't work in any language other than English, which negates any chance of me ever working in Europe unless some international agency recruits me. And I don’t want to live in a big city - New York or Washington DC or San Francisco - because, while I have loved living in big cities when I was younger, and while I love visiting them, I’m older now and my tastes and lifestyle has changed. I want to have a garden, I want to walk in neighborhoods that have trees, I want to sit in my backyard and feel somewhat isolated, I want to walk to neighborhood festivals… to do that in a residential neighborhood in Portland would require a salary of about half a million a year, and in San Francisco… I’d have to win big in the lottery.
Why is it weird that I’ve chosen a small town in Oregon? I have to live somewhere. Why not Oregon? Why not this little town of less than 30,000 people?
And why can't someone live in a small town and also care about world affairs, travel globally, even work globally? Why can't someone live in a small town and also want to learn other languages and delight in different cultures? Is all of that reserved only for people living in big cities? Really? And why is it strange that someone would try to make a home here, to treat the community as something more than just a place to sleep at night?
I had all sorts of great reasons for choosing to live in the Portland, Oregon area, in addition to the weather: I had heard it was fun and progressive and bicycle-friendly and had great beer and was booming economically. But I knew after just a week that Portland wasn't quite what we'd been told. The first year we were here, I would comment about how taken aback I was at the open drug use and homelessness in downtown and Portlandiers were offended at my comments - "I haven't seen that" and "It's no worse here than anywhere else!" and on and on. I stopped talking about it. And progressive? The Oregon tax system favors the top 1% just like everywhere. The booming businesses here do not support nonprofits financially anywhere near the rates they should, and the salaries offered by these nonprofits are shamefully low - far from living wages. The condition of too many public schools - infrastructure, class sizes, arts offerings - are also shameful, and all these supposedly progressive folks in Portland refuse every bond measure to make things better. You would think an area that prides itself on being progressive would have outstanding public schools and the funding for such. Portlandiers wax poetic about their mass transit system - but as someone who actually takes it regularly, relies on it, I can tell you that I'm one of the few people on the bus with a driver's license, one of the few people taking it out of choice. And bicycle-friendly? That's been the biggest joke of all. No way would I ride a bicycle in downtown Portland. I'm terrified every time I do it here in this small town.
Do I feel cut off living in this small town? Oh, gads, yes. If you live outside the USA, you actually know what is happening globally. In the USA, we’re on a global news blackout. I wish so much we got CNN International. I have to work to stay connected to what's happening outside this country. Some Facebook groups I'm on for humanitarian workers, Twitter and non-USA news outlets are very helpful in that regard. But having that international focus seems to isolate me even more from people around here.
None of my efforts have lead to me feeling a part of anything. None of it has made me feel like I'm making a different in the places where I've lived since moving back here. They haven't even lead to that many friendships (though I'm grateful for the few I have gotten as a result). In fact, it's lead to far more negative comments and experiences than positive ones. Maybe it's just Oregon, but the amount of snarky comments here for anyone trying to do something good, whether they are running for office or volunteer at an event, are overwhelming. There's only one other place I've seen such cutting down of tall poppies: Afghanistan, where women - I guess because they have so little power - will cut other women down like it's the most fun you can possibly have.
I have a specific walking route that I do with my dog on weekdays, and I do that route specifically to avoid people - I just want to think and be alone, especially lately. A local guy that runs a couple of nonprofit initiatives and recruited me to volunteer for such - and I've resigned from them and really don't want to be involved with anymore - saw me walking and stopped his car, pulled over, and said, "I really would like to walk with you and talk with you." And I know I turned white as a sheet. I almost started crying. I said, "No, I'm on my own time right now, I can't talk, maybe next week" and I just walked away. I just felt so... goddamn it, leave me alone! He wasn't being creepy, but it just felt so unbelievably, incredibly intrusive. And I'm like, well, great, where am I supposed to walk now to avoid people, including YOU? I want a t-shirt that says, "Don't talk to me."
I used to be Miss Good Morning! In fact, two former local frenemies made fun of me for being that person, and for how much I missed living in a place where people say "Good morning" and how I was trying to be that person here. They are both native Pacific North Westerners, and they think greeting strangers is stupid and intrusive. They loved to roll my eyes at how much I liked to talk to neighbors, how I stopped frequently during walks to chat people up.
Welp, I guess I'm now a true Pacific North Westerner: I don't want anyone to talk to me. Have you avoided me because I'm such a chatty Cathy? Well, don't worry - those days are over. The only person who still has to put up with that is my husband and my hairdresser.
Months after we bought this house, my first house ever, I tried to read Sinclair Lewis' Main Street, hoping for a similar literary experience to Elmer Gantry, one of my favorite books of all time. But I had to quit early on because the story was WAY too close to what I had experienced in my first four years in Oregon: outsider moves to a town, tries to be friendly, tries to be a part of the community, gets a hostile reception, gets derided for her ideas and her worldliness, becomes isolated and ends up being miserable.
For all I know, we would have been miserable had we moved elsewhere, or had we stayed in Europe. Maybe this is the best we could have it: my husband got employed almost immediately after we moved to Oregon, and in the job he is in now, he is beloved. He's got a career, a beautiful place to ride his motorcycle and he's a volunteer firefighter. I'm so happy for him.
I'm not as nice as I used to be. And I think it's not only because of the November 2016 election - I think it's also because of the Pacific Northwest. I try to remember, and to care about, the potential to do one good thing for someone else today, or this week. I try to remember, and to care about, how much a small act of kindness can mean to strangers, neighbors and friends - opening a door for someone whose hands are full, offering to take a shopping cart back for a woman dealing with a grumpy child, giving up your seat for someone you decide needs it more, not getting upset at a screwup by a shop clerk - I try to remember, and to care that, it can mean whether or not someone goes home and cries as soon as they get home, and for the rest of the night. I try to remember that I do have power, and I can use it for good or for bad.
But trying is getting harder and harder.
Here in Oregon, it feels like all of my work for the last 10 years to invest in this community has been for absolutely nothing. Making this my home has been like a full-time job for me, in lieu of having an actual full-time job. And none of it, ultimately, has mattered.
I'm not from here, and I'm never to forget that. Okay, message has been received: the people of Oregon are just not that into me.
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