What I've learned from watching Judge Judy

The same cases come up over and over on Judge Judy. Day after day, month after month, year after year.

Here are 17 things I’ve learned from watching Judge Judy, and if more people knew them, the show might have to go off the air because the number of cases would plummet. And if you are going on Judge Judy, or going before any judge, knowing these things could help you win your case:

1. You may not withhold rent because of lack of plumbing, your stove doesn't work, there are bugs, etc. and think you won't have to pay that money ever. If you live in an apartment, you have to pay rent. If you pay rent for an entire month and move early because of severe issues, you can sue for the return of your rent - though you may not be successful. It's the "steak" rule - if you take one or two bites of the steak and don't like it, you can send it back and won't be asked to pay for it. But if you eat the steak and then complain, tough luck.
   
   
2. Cleaning a house is not the same as paying rent, making a car payment or making a payment on a loan, nor is babysitting for free, cooking, picking up dinner out, fixing a car or doing yard work. Unless you have a written agreement saying that you can do these things and get a break on rent, or not pay rent at all, or in lieu of making a payment, none of this work can be considered as a substitution.
   
   
3. When you lend money to someone who already owes you money from another loan, and then you try to sue them for all those loans, the court may determine that you had no expectation of repayment. If you keep lending someone money and they don't pay you back, it will be very difficult to successfully sue for that money without a written agreement, signed by the borrower, saying he or she will pay you back.
   
   
4. If you are going to loan a big amount of cash for anyone, no matter your relationship with them (girlfriend, boyfriend, daughter, son, parent, grandchild) - for a car, for tuition, for bail, for a motorcycle, for an entire new wardrobe, etc. - get it in writing that it’s a loan and that the lender agrees to pay you back. This written agreement should also say they will pay you back by a certain date or per a certain event happening, like the settlement of a court case or an inheritance, or that they will pay at least a certain amount every month. The agreement should NOT be that they will pay it back whenever they might be able to. Otherwise, if you try to sue for this money, the court may say these loans were gifts, or say that someone agreeing to pay you back “whenever they might be able to” could be 50 years from now or never.
   
   
5. When you make a payment to someone, get a receipt or a copy of your canceled check. Do not rely on a bank statement that has money withdrawn from your account. No documentation of providing a payment? Then as far as the court is concerned, there have been no payments.
   
   
6. You will not successfully sue an ex-boyfriend, an ex-girlfriend, an ex-roommate, etc., nor your child, nor your parent, for the meals, grocery, clothes, furniture, dishwater, appliances or other items you have paid for, even gas for their car, because these are interpreted by the courts as gifts.
   
   
7. Never co-sign a car loan. Never co-sign a car loan. Never co-sign a car loan.
   
   
8. Never loan your credit card to anyone. Never loan your credit card to anyone. Never loan your credit card to anyone.
   
   
9. Saying online anywhere that a business didn't give you what you paid them for or that you are dissatisfied with their product or service is perfectly legal IF that business really didn't give you what you paid for or you were dissatisfied. Using insulting descriptions of a business, like saying they are "crooks" or “stupid”, *may* be considered libel. Stick with the facts - they did this, they did not do this, they said this, they did not call me, etc. - don't express opinions or engage in name-calling.
   
   
10. You may be sued if you get a flatmate or housemate removed from your home, even if it's a family member, via a restraining order rather than eviction. If someone lives in your house, even if they stop paying rent, you can’t just pack them up and move them out - you have to go to court for an eviction notice.
    
    
11. Landlords should take photos of an apartment before any tenants move in. Without that, photos showing damage AFTER someone moves in, even after they move out, are meaningless.
    
    
12. You are an idiot if you don’t have home owner’s insurance or renter’s insurance.
    
    
13. Dates are everything. Know the date the loan was discussed, the date the loan was made, the date a person was arrested, the date a car was purchased, the date you moved in, the date he moved out, the date of the dog attack, whatever.
    
    
14. When you are asked, "Do you work," have a definite answer. If you aren't working, be able to say how you support yourself (where the money comes from to pay for your rent, utilities, food, etc.).
    
    
15. Your dog and anything it does is your responsibility. If your bites someone or another dog and your dog is not on a leash or isn’t in your yard or in your house at the time, no matter the circumstances, it’s your responsibility to pay for any damages, like medical bills. No matter how much the other dog was jumping or yapping, no matter how hysterical the person was being, unless the dog was on your property and the person or dog came onto your property uninvited, you are going to have to pay for damages.
    
    
16. If your dog sticks its head through the neighbor’s fence and your neighbor’s dog bites your dog, your neighbor is NOT responsible - your dog went onto someone else’s property.
    
    
17. Dress for her court the way you would dress for a job interview for a high-paying position in a lawyer's office. Don't dress for a glamor photo session or the beach.

Of course, if people did this stuff, the show would be far less entertaining...

Gen X, struggling for employment? I hear you

This week, a national award for being a fabulous employer was presented to the program where I tried to get a job recently - my first face-to-face, onsite interview in the last decade. Of course, the news about the award was all over my Facebook newsfeed because I follow local politicians and local government offices. Have some salt for that wound, Jayne...

Anyway...

Are you 50 or over, a seasoned professional, struggling to continue in your career - you've been laid off or you quit and moved somewhere or you took a work break, whatever, and now, you just cannot even get an interview, let alone get hired? And months have stretched out into years? I just want you to know: I hear you. I get it.

Are you hesitant to talk about your job frustrations because it makes you a downer to friends, who would much prefer you post feisty political memes or hilarious observations about life to social media, or talk about the weather or what you're watching on Netflix, than talk about this time of incredible frustration and fear and insecurity and loss of identity? I hear you. I get it.

Are people trying to be helpful by sending you advice and thoughts and platitudes that appropriate for a 20 or 30 something, someone just starting out (the best is yet to come! your hard work will pay off! keep dreaming!), but not at all for a seasoned professional with a great deal of expertise and accomplishments? I hear you. I get it.

Are people chastising you for being so tied up in your professional identity and telling you that your job is not you, and you are not your job, thereby negating something you cherish, that you are so proud of? I so hear you. I so get it. 

You Generation X folks in particular, I so get it: you probably have already changed careers at least twice since you started working decades ago - you had to, in order to survive. You know the incredible amount of time and finances it takes to go from one profession to another - been there, done that! At 50 or over, you don't have the time, finances or inclination to do that yet again - to get yet another degree or certificate. You've worked hard, you've excelled, you've grown, you've got a great deal of accomplishments under your belt and YOU ARE NOT DONE. You have more to offer, there's more you want to do, and you may even feel that your best work is in front of you. You are proud of the years of study and work that got you to this level of expertise and you aren't even close to wanting to retire it. You love that career and you are hungry to stay a part of it and you have proven, over and over, that you CAN do this! I hear you. I get it.

I'm not going to tell you Don't give up!, in terms of continuing to try to re-ignite your career. Because, for financial reasons, you might have to give up your career and do something entirely different just to pay the bills. The reality is that your time in that career may, indeed, be over. And it hurts like hell to realize your career, your passion, your cherished identity, is over. I get that more than I can put into words. I so admire former software engineers that now have successful food carts, or former journalists that now work at a bank, people that had to walk away from their careers but also had the talent and interest either for a second, lower-paying career or another job that isn't their passion but will pay the bills. I'm jealous, in fact, of those people. I can build a basic web site and figure out database software in just a few minutes, but I couldn't run a cash register to save my life. If I could be a Waffle House line cook, I would - but there is nothing like a Waffle House around here and I can't cook anything the same way twice, let alone under pressure. I have loved my career, my identity, and it's heart-breaking to give it up. It's easier if you can find the new thing to feed your passion. I'm still working on that myself.

All I can do is tell you what I keep telling myself: keep trying to get back into your career, but also keep looking for something that will pay the bills and won't bore you to tears or make you feel like a failure. And in the course of that, maybe you will find a job that will take you into retirement, one that isn't necessarily your passion or identity but that is something worth getting out of bed for. I pour over indeed.com once every other week, not looking for the jobs that are a part of my career - those jobs are posted elsewhere, where I also look - but for any job that I think I could do, that would be worth the commute and that wouldn't be humiliating (I did the humiliating jobs at 19 and 21 - those two summers were enough for a lifetime, thanks). If you are facing something dire financially, you're going to have to take anything you can get, and if that happens: do your best in that job and do everything you possibly can outside of work to keep up your self-esteem. 

I have watched Julie & Julia more times that I care to admit. The "modern" part is okay, but it's the Julia Child part... I am so envious: after a successful career doing something completely different, she found her new calling as a cooking teacher in her 40s, then found incredible fame in her 50s. I've tried to find inspiration from that, as well as from the story of Agnes De Mille. I have a long list of ideas, more than 50, for businesses, for trips, for projects... and I've tried undertaking a few. But nothing is sticking... but I'll keep trying.

Keep up-to-date on what's happening in your career in the way you would if you had a job if you are still trying to work in that field. Regularly read an online magazine or blog related to your career. Consider writing your own blog on a subject related to your career if you feel that it would help your portfolio in your job search. I'm so active on my blog and my professionally-related social media channels that people have thought I have been employed in the last decade - which is good in that I have seemed successful but maybe bad in that people haven't thought I was available for jobs? I'll never know...

But when you know it's time to do something else, and have something else to do, stop reading those magazines, stop reading those blogs, at least for a while - you don't need to be reminded of what you have given up, not until you can do so and it doesn't hurt.

I'll also say that you need to keep busy: do a daily physical activity, try a sport, take a class, anything. It will help your mental health. It will keep you going more than anything else as you try to get back into your career or a new career, or you transition into just-work-to-pay-bills. I walk 2-3 miles every day. I ride my motorcycle and I garden once or twice a week. I cook actual meals myself for me and Stefan at least three times a week and try out new recipes - I didn't learn to cook until I was about 40, and I'm entirely self-taught (and it SHOWS, believe me). Those activities are sometimes the only thing keeping me going on a day-to-day basis.

If you can afford it, do things you love, like going to concerts or the movies. If you can't afford it, do your best to budget so you can do that thing you love at least sometimes, even just once or twice a year. Sometimes, that $100 concert will give you the emotional and mental health boost you need for the next couple of months, and that still makes it cheaper than therapy.

Support groups for the unemployed help some people - but can also make you feel worse. When they are helpful, they give you an emotional outlet regarding your frustrations at not being employed and bring you in contact with other wonderful people (spoiler alert: they rarely provide job leads). When they aren't helpful, they make you feel worse. If you go to such a group and find that it is NOT making you feel better, STOP GOING.

Therapy is great - if you can afford it and you can find a therapist that really gets what this is like (not all do).

Try to volunteer, but know that volunteering can be a lot like finding a job: it may take a dozen applications before you find an organization that will respond to your application, and most organizations don't make the investment necessary to give volunteers a worthwhile experience - you may get thrown into a task with no training, you may never be given a context for the work you do and the organization may not like your questions (how is this really helping people who are homeless?), and you may never get properly recognized for your work. If you can prepare yourself mentally for these frustrations and not expect a perfect, uplifting experience, you are more likely to find a worthwhile volunteering experience. Just try not to take the lack of communication or support personally - it's them, not you.

I'm not going to say that you should go to a church or temple or mosque. I'm not going to tell you not to. I'll just say that it is not at all helpful to me, but if it is for you, hurrah.

Keep your distance from people that just don't get what you are going through. You shouldn't be around people that aren't going to allow you to be you and aren't going to make you feel comfortable when you sometimes need to talk about your employment frustrations. You shouldn't be around people who are going to chastise you for your negative feelings - you have every right to those feelings. Just do your best not to let frustration consume you. That's hard, I know. Believe me, I know.

If you can afford it (it doesn't pay much), think about applying for a six-to-12 month gig with Peace Corps Response, a shorter-term program by the Peace Corps. Your professional experience might be exactly what is needed somewhere. These openings change frequently, so check often. And if you do get an interview, even if you don't ultimately get the post, you should brag about it!

Do your best not to compare yourself to other people your age who aren't facing these circumstances, who are still in their chosen career or are doing what they love or who have remade themselves for a new role. They don't understand - forgive them for the incredibly inappropriate things they might say. If they bring you down, avoid them, at least for a while. People our age who still have their careers can fall into the belief that luck has nothing to do with their success. Spoiler alert: to a degree, chance always plays some role in success or failure.

Rehearse how to answer the question, "So, what do you do?"

Self-reflect, re-assess your skills and attitudes, always be looking for ways to improve your résumé and LinkedIn profile, but don't go down the hole of believing this is all entirely your fault. Age discrimination is real. I'll say it again: age discrimination is real. Despite people 50 and over being more likely to NOT move to another area and NOT have childcare responsibilities, despite people over 50 being excellent investments, ideas about us not being able to learn or not being energetic or healthy or flexible persist.

So, that's it. That's all I got. That's how I'm surviving these 10+ years of going through this. It may be my plan for the next 15 years, until I retire for real and officially. If you have more advice on how to survive this extremely difficult time, by all means, comment below!