Sunday, December 31, 2023

I'm celebrating 2023! Wahoo!

I had a ridiculously great year. RIDICULOUSLY GREAT. 

I rode a motorcycle around Belize.

I rode a motorcycle around Vancouver Island.

I spent a fantastic Thanksgiving with family in Kentucky.

I had a great time at my little part-time job.

I got to see Robbie Fulks.

I got to see Lyle Lovett.

We went to a dirt track race (me and Stefan, not me and Lyle Lovett).

We finally went to a Hillsboro Hops game.

We went camping in our trailer Blackberry Campground on the Alsea River and also the Kilchis River County Campground, both in Oregon.

I continued to delight in playing guitar and piano and now I have a dulcimer too.

I watched a LOT of TCM.

I stuck with Duolingo and almost have a 365 day streak and 

best of all, I have a wonderful partner and doggy to put up with me every day. 

I would like to respectfully ask the Fates to please not start cackling at the ways they are going to screw with me in 2024...

Tuesday, December 26, 2023

Two years with a piano

It's been two years since I got a piano. It's been glorious.

I don't think I play like someone that's been practicing for two years - I wish I had progressed this year much more than I have. I'm probably now where I should have been a year ago. Oh well, I love it and I'm not stopping. And I'm not going to stop sharing - I want you, yes YOU, to get busy trying something you have always wanted to but have been afraid to. And I want you to OWN IT and not let anyone ridicule you into stopping doing something you might love. 

I also want to note that research shows that the brain benefits from learning to read and play music later in life - after 50, after 60, whatever.

Here are my imperfect recitals for 2023 (I gave up trying to do them every month):

  • Di Provenza by Verdi for December.
     
  • The Skater's Waltz by Émile Waldteufel and We Shall Overcome. November.
     
  • The Blue Danube waltz ("An der schönen blauen Donau", Op. 314) by Johann Strauss II and This Little Light of Mine. September.
     
  • Rondalla Aragonesa by E. Granados Arranged for Easy Piano by Allan Small, butchered by Juana la Loca. then Beautiful Dreamer by Stephen Foster. Summer.
     
  • a practice piece with no title, All Through the Night and By The Light of the Silvery Moon. June.
     
  • A Sonatina from Alfred's Basic Piano Library, Lesson Book Level 1B, and Unfinished Symphony Theme by Schubert and Caro Mia Ben by Giordani, both arranged for easy piano by Allan Small. March.
     
  • Two church hymns: The Old Rugged Cross and Blessed Assurance. January.

I also played guitar a lot this year, but did very little recording of such - I was mostly working up to being able to play well enough to sing with my sister when I was in Kentucky in November. My last video for the year, as of this blog, is me playing and singing Away in a Manger and Feliz Navidad on guitar.

Also recently, I played a dulcimer for the first time ever!

Also see a year with a piano, my blog from my first year. 

Get out there and do something you are afraid of! And make music! 

Sunday, December 17, 2023

If you're in the area: John James Audubon in Henderson, Kentucky

I grew up in Henderson, Kentucky, but knew very little about John James Audubon State Park in my time there. I went to its picnic shelters every summer for family reunions, church socials and class parties. I swam in the lake a couple of times. I went with my elementary school class to what was then a small museum space that didn't have much in it. My parents would say that the park was built by the Civilian Conservation Corps and what a great program the CCC was, but I didn't really understand what they meant. To me, in the 1980s, the park was the place with lots of picnic shelters, with a lake to swim in, with the museum that, from the outside, looked like a beautiful fairy tale castle, and with a carriage house or something nearby that was never open except for the bathrooms. And a golf course I had never seen (and still haven't). It was nice... but not anything I ever recommended as a must-see place to visit. 

Here we are almost 40 years later and the park has been transformed into a wonderful destination and celebration of both the work of the CCC and conservationists, with a kick-your-butt back country trail and access to a lake that I only heard about as a kid (back then, I don't think there was an open trail to it). The cabins are beautiful and I believe they are open for rentals year-round. The main lake no longer has swimming, having been restored to make it more wildlife-friendly, but I believe you can take a kayak out on it.  

The museum space inside is GREATLY expanded with artifacts and information from the life of John James Audubon and why his work led to the creation of Audubon societies all over the world. There's also regular presentations inside about the importance of wildlife conservation and the wildlife of the area. That always-closed carriage house - actually, the Tea House - is now open and serves as the park's office (and it's totally worth it to visit - the woodwork is gorgeous). And events (hikes, presentations, workshops, art fetivals and more) abound - you need to follow the park on Facebook to be able to keep up. 

The trails are amazing. There's over six miles of trails, and some will have your calves screaming because of the inclines. We didn't get to do the expanded trails along the river, which you access outside the park on Warbler Road, next to the Ohio River, but we did do the backcountry trail and I'm still hurting from it. 

The trails do NOT allow dogs except for one, near the campground. But you can take your dog on all of the roads through the park, and that's a few miles of terrific, scenic exercise. Wish they had trails along the roads to make it safer for walking along them. 

The park now has reminders about the CCC everywhere: a statue, a couple of plaques, mentions in the museum, and more. My parents' mentions of the CCC have stuck with me all the years and, after studying the CCC in high school and at my university, I became a CCC fan girl: when I travel, I immediately notice CCC-built structures in parks and public spaces, and make a point of visiting any that might be nearby as I travel. I have a photo album tribute to the CCC, noting all of the CCC-built places I've been and memorabilia I've come across. 

We went to the park over two days: the first just to hike, and the second, to spend time in the museum. If you go, be sure to take some snacks and water - there's no restaurant in the park. 

The park is easy to turn into if you are coming from Henderson, but REALLY difficult to turn into if you are coming from Evansville, Indiana. Please be really, really cautious when turning in and out of the park onto Highway 41. 

With all that said, I do have some criticisms of the park. Here is an email I sent to the park manager, the head of Kentucky State Parks, and the Friends of Audubon State Park group after my November 2023 visit: 

I visited John James Audubon State Park during my Thanksgiving holiday in Kentucky. I haven’t been there since I was a teen - more than 40 years ago. The vastly expanded museum and hiking trails, the restored lake, the quality of the groundskeeping - it was amazing. I was particularly pleased to see so much information about and tributes to the Civilian Conservation Corps - that is a legacy I always knew, because of the park and because my father always noted it when I was growing up. I have followed the park on Facebook for years and knew the park now regularly had events - guided hikes, science talks, workshops for kids - but being onsite and seeing everything for myself, firsthand, really brought home what a treasure the park is now. Kudos to everyone who has, over many years, made this possible. Well done.

However, there are some things I feel compelled to note that need to be addressed urgently.

One thing that should be simple to fix: please put closed captioning on your films on rotation in your theater. This is a very easy fix, something anyone with video editing software could do for you. I bet there are students or faculty at area universities and colleges that would be happy to make this happen for you on a volunteer basis. This would help both the hearing impaired and people who are not native English speakers to better experience the films.

I was deeply disturbed by the lack of focus - even mention - in the museum that John James Audubon enslaved people and that he dismissed and belittled the abolitionist movement. When the Audubon family lived in Henderson, Kentucky, they had enslaved people working for them in their household, and they bought and sold enslaved people. Think of the families they broke up. Think of the lives they destroyed. This is all well documented on this web page of the National Audubon Society's own web site: https://www.audubon.org/news/the-myth-john-james-audubon

Why not reproduce this web page on a series of display boards and put these up in the museum? Why not be open and honest and transparent on the very dark side of this man? You don't have to answer this question - was he a good man who did something horrific or was he a bad man who did something good? - but welcome the discussion! The answer, either way, could lead to a lot of self-examination by visitors.

The other very large hole in all that's wonderful about the park is the lack of prominent acknowledgment of the people settled in the area long before European Americans came: no statue, no information board, no anything that I could find. That's as shameful as not acknowledging Audubon's enslavement of people and his defense of slavery.

I hope that all of this is being addressed already by funders and supporters of John James Audubon State Park. In fact, if there is a fundraising campaign to make any of this happen, let me know: I'll donate to it and publicize it.

Here is the response I got. I'm pleased about the revamp, but wish, in the interim, they would just print out the web page I mentioned, as a couple of large signs, and just put them on some easels. 

Dear Ms. Cravens,

I wanted to express my gratitude for your visit to Audubon State Park during the holiday. I'm delighted that you had the opportunity to enjoy our park's trails and grounds. I will be sure to share your kind words with our grounds team. It is a priority for us to preserve and convey the unique history of the park, particularly our association with the Civilian Conservation Corps.

Thank you as well for suggesting the addition of closed captioning to our videos. I believe this is an excellent idea and being personally aware of the challenges faced by individuals with hearing impairments, I fully understand the importance of such accommodations.

I wanted to inform you that the Kentucky Department of Parks is currently working on the design for a comprehensive restoration of the Audubon Museum building. As part of this restoration, we intend to revamp the museum layout, install new display cases, and incorporate significant information and scholarly works pertaining to the entire life of John James Audubon. It is essential for us to not only celebrate Audubon's contributions to natural history and bird depictions but also acknowledge and comprehend his history as an enslaver and anti-abolitionist.

While our collection of indigenous art and artifacts is limited, we are continuously searching for items that will enrich our understanding of the area's history. Our objective is to present a comprehensive history to our guests, allowing them to interpret the information in their own way.

Once again, thank you for sharing your ideas and concerns with us.

Best regards,

David Miller
Park Manager
John James Audubon State Park

Sunday, December 10, 2023

daring to comment on the situation in Israel and Palestine

I support a Palestinian state AND I unequivocally condemn the rapes by Hamas. I want the borders of the West Bank to be returned to 1982 lines and I condemn violence perpetuated upon Palestinians by settlers AND I condemn all calls for the elimination of Israel. I want a ceasefire by Israel AND Hamas. I don't believe peace and prosperity is possible in Israel nor Palestine while Hamas is in power NOR while Netanyahu is in power. I hate anti-Semitism and condemn it outright, with no reservations, AND I hate anti-Islamic or anti-Palestinian sentiments that imply these people are somehow inherently subhuman or dangerous and I condemn such outright, with no reservations, and if any of this sentence bothers you, unfriend me, because I just can't with racism. 

And I believe there's no place for me in any demonstration, in any pubic act meant to comment on what is happening, because of the absolutism demanded by organizers, that in supporting something I want to support I must turn a blind eye to something I loathe. I don't know how to support what I want to support without seeming like I'm supporting violence and the dehumanization of one group or another. 

I don't know what to even ask of my elected officials. 

I don't know what the answer to all of this is. 

Just please, everyone, don't lose your humanity. Don't smile at anyone being hurt or killed. Don't choose the dark side, no matter how good or righteous it feels.

Wednesday, December 6, 2023

New Music from Me - With My Sister!

I went to Kentucky for Thanksgiving for the first time since the 1990s. I wanted to spend time with my mother, to give my husband the experience of Thanksgiving with my family, and to sing with my sister. 

I met all those goals!

And added bonus: Stefan filmed some of the singing. 

Here's us singing In the Garden

And here's a mega compilation of all of the videos he took - more than 15 minutes. 

Note that I practiced for months to be able to do this - but my sister hadn't at all and just dropped those harmonies on the spot, reading lyrics off of her phone. She's amazing, truly. 

Thanks to Abbas Music in Henderson for helping me pick out a beautiful but affordable guitar for the ocassion. 

Sunday, December 3, 2023

Visit New Harmony, Indiana

New Harmony is a picturesque historic town on the Wabash River in Posey County, Indiana, and if you are anywhere nearby, you absolutely should take a day to visit. I grew up in Henderson, Kentucky, and I had never been until last month, almost 40 years after moving away - embarrassing, because it's so close by! It's about 26 miles from Evansville, Indiana. It's midway between St. Louis, Missouri and Louisville, Kentucky. 

The best days to go, IMO, are Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday - lots of businesses are closed Monday and Tuesday. Go in dry weather, because you will spend a lot of time outside. 

The town is filled with beautifully-preserved houses and buildings from the 1800s. I highly recommend renting a golf cart outside the Atheneum, the large white modern building next to the Wabash River at the edge of town, to tour the town. Get a map while you are there or download one on your phone. 

Understanding the history will help you appreciate the town even more:

New Harmony was established by the Harmony Society in 1814 and was originally known as Harmony (also called Harmonie, or New Harmony). It was a settlement for a group of German Lutherans who had separated from the official church in Württemberg and immigrated to the USA. They were nonviolent pacifists who refused to serve in the military and tried to live by George Rapp's philosophy and literal interpretations of the New Testament. The Harmonites believed Jesus Christ was coming to earth in their lifetime to help usher in a thousand-year kingdom of peace on earth. They believed that the old ways of life on earth were coming to an end and that a new perfect kingdom on earth was about to be realized. 

The Harmonites believed that people should try to make themselves "pure" and "perfect", and share things with others while willingly living in communal "harmony" (Acts 4:32-35) and practicing chastity. The Harmonites tended to view unmarried celibate life as morally superior to marriage, based on Rapp's belief that God had originally created Adam as a dual being with both male and female sexual organs. According to this view, when the female portion of Adam separated to form Eve, disharmony followed, but one could attempt to regain harmony through celibacy. Rapp often spoke of the virgin spirit or Goddess named Sophia in his writings. The Hamonites built 180 buildings in the 10 years and many are still standing today. They produced textiles, rope, barrels, tin ware, leather goods, candles, bricks, wine, whiskey and beer. Read about the Harmonites at the Harmony_Society entry on Wikipedia.

But what I am MUCH more interested is what happened after that settlement failed and was sold to Robert Owen, a social reformer and wealthy industrialist from Scotland. Owen's vision was for "a New Moral World" of happiness, enlightenment, and prosperity through education, science, technology, and communal living. Per the call of Owen inviting others to come be a part of his intentional community, in the winter of 1825–1826, the president, librarian, and several members of the Philadelphia Academy of Sciences headed west from Pittsburgh on the Ohio River to New Harmony. Academy President William Maclure, “father of American geology,” had gathered them all aboard the keelboat Philantropist [they used the French spelling]: scientists, artists, musicians, and educators, some bringing along their students, and all eager to settle in New Harmony on the Indiana frontier. Owen described it as a “Boatload of Knowledge.” 

This New Harmony was very different from the original founders: the community provided free co-educational schooling for children from infancy to adulthood half a century before the state mandated it. Town residents also established the first public library and a civic drama club. Among its prominent citizens was one of Owen's sons, Robert Dale Owen, an Indiana congressman and social reformer who sponsored legislation to create the Smithsonian Institution. It was a bold, glorious experiment in communal living with a focus on learning, on the arts and on science. But like pretty much every communal experiment in the USA, most of which were religious-based, the town failed as a utopia - in this case, because of disputes over who had power and influence and who didn't, as well as philosophic disputes. New Harmony was dissolved in 1829 and the town's parcels of land and property were returned to private use. But although Robert Owen's vision of New Harmony as an advance in social reform was not realized, the town became a scientific center of national significance, especially in the natural sciences, most notably geology. And the soul of the town continued through the work of many of its residents, including Robert Dale Owen, eldest son of Robert Owen: in 1830 he published Moral Philosophy, the first treatise in the United States to support birth control, and he returned to New Harmony in 1834.

With this history in mind, going into the Working Men's Institute - part library, part museum, part memorial to a Utopian dream - is a must.  

You should also go into any building or business that's open during your visit, like Community House No. 2, any historic church, whatever. If there is a tour of the town being offered that takes you into houses or buildings, take it! If you hear music coming from a building and the door is open, go in! 

Go into Creation Station 310 and behold the gorgeous dulcimers available for sale - and stay if the owner is playing one! He may even show you how to play one (he did with me!). Visiting Creation Station 310 was the highlight of our entire visit. 

Give yourself time for a hike or a ride on your golf cart on the trails from the open-air church to the Atheneum.  

If the Roofless Church is having a service, and it's a beautiful day, I would think that would be a worthwhile experience, regardless of your religion (or, like me, lack their of). 

I wasn't that impressed with the labyrinth, I must admit. I love the symbolism of it, but actually seeing it didn't really do anything for me. Apparently, for the original founders of the town, the Harmonists, the labyrinth symbolized the difficulties of attaining true harmony and the choices one faces in life trying to reach that goal. The labyrinth was a place of meditation for the Harmonists. Maybe if the shrubs had been full of leaves and had been higher... but I did find it interesting that the labyrinth was so important to the Harmonists, they of the Christian faith, rather than the scientifically-focused settlers who came later. 

There are also a lot of antique shops, including a record store, and some food options in beautiful settings. Christmas is a very big deal for the town. 

You can do everything in a day... but if you are looking to stay overnight, there is Harmonie State Park nearby, which has cabins, as well as some picturesque guest houses. 

The Visit New Harmony official web site has complete info on where you can stay, eat, shop, tour, etc. 

You can see all of my photos from my November 2023 visit to New Harmony here. I loved the town so much, I've been joking with my friends that it's where we should all move when we retire, to create the second attempt at a science and arts-focused learning utopia there. But... am I really joking?


Sunday, November 26, 2023

Sometimes, yes, you have to quit what you love

I loathe the "you just need grit to get what you want" pep talks. 

I abhor "Dream it, want it the most, and it WILL happen" advice. 

Because here's the reality: 

People who achieve their dreams and get what they want are NOT always the grittiest, nor the people that "wanted it" the most, nor the hardest workers. 

Also, I regularly meet people who had just as much, if not more, grit and determination and creative ideas as some of the most successful people out there, and they didn't get that career, or that fellowship, or that big sale of their project, that far less talented or determined people have achieved. 

And as arrogant this sounds, I have met oh-so-many people in jobs that I deserved way, way more than they did, based on my experience, talent and grit. 

I touched on this a bit in my blog back in May, You are smart! when I wrote:

In her first book, Michelle Obama noted that she has been at the table with leaders of countries, corporations and foundations, that as a lawyer she worked with powerful corporate folks and served on corporate boards, that she's met oh-so-many people from the United Nations, and she has realized, they are not that smart, they are not brainy super humans. It isn't to say that these leaders aren't capable of the work at hand, that none of them should be in those roles, etc. But they really are not THAT smart, no hugely smarter than YOU.

I'm much closer to 60 than I want to be, and as I've lamented oh-so-many times, the last 20 years, with just a few brief exceptions, have regularly gutted me professionally. I keep trying to be at peace with how these 20 years have gone, and how I'm not where I intended to be professionally speaking, and while I've made some good progress, I still have moments where I get lost in mourning. 

This piece from Freakonomics Radio, about failure, about how grit is NOT always enough to get you to your professional dream, was what I really needed. I found it liberating. I strongly urge you to listen to it. Lots of interviews with people who have failed, who don't have a "but, eventually, I got there!" endings. I didn't feel hopeless afterward - I felt comforted. 

The reality is that, for about 20 years, my life regularly turned out WAY better, professionally-speaking, than I had ever dreamed. So many of those fantastic jobs I had felt like they just dropped in my lap, that I just happened to be at the right place at the right time. I'm so grateful for those experiences. I just wish I'd leveraged them a bit better with an eye to what I would need later. 

Anyway...  

Also see these previous blogs of mine, if you want to see just how much I've struggled with failure and aging and, sometimes, my own advice for dealing with it:

Friday, November 10, 2023

Jezebel blog shut down

Jezebel has been shut down by its owner, G/O Media

The site of feminist commentary and news was launched with the tagline "Celebrity. Sex. Fashion. Without airbrushing." A 2007 post by editor Moe Tkacik, a former Wall Street Journal reporter, said, "Jezebel is a blog for women that will attempt to take all the essentially meaningless but sweet stuff directed our way and give it a little more meaning, while taking more the serious stuff and making it more fun, or more personal, or at the very least the subject of our highly sophisticated brand of sex joke. Basically, we wanted to make the sort of women's magazine we'd want to read."

The Writers Guild of America-East, which represents G/O Media staffers, said in a statement, “A well-run company would have moved away from an advertising model, but instead they are shuttering the brand entirely because of their strategic and commercial ineptitude. Jezebel was a good website.”

The name Jezebel is a name writers of the two books of Kings in the Bible gave to a wife of Ahab, King of Israel, two hundred years after she existed (if she existed at all). The compilers of the biblical accounts of Jezebel and her family were writing in the southern kingdom of Judah centuries after the events they are supposedly depicting, which happened elsewhere. The name Jezebel is now associated with sexual promiscuity and with women who seek to control others - it is a derogatory term that the blog flaunted, and I loved it for that. 

According to the newly laid-off employee, G/O Media editorial director Lea Goldman had reassured Jezebel staffers in recent weeks that Spanfeller was not looking to shutter the site. So, clearly, Goldman lied. 

top case with many stickers on it, including the one that says cunts on cunts on cunts
I am so upset at this news! Jezebel was not only incredibly fun, it not only explained trending celebrity gossip in a way that made such relevant and interesting, it wasn't just an echo chamber for feminism: it challenged me so often, made me reconsider so many things. I didn't always change my mind, but if I did, it was often because of how an issue was reframed by Jezebel. Plus, my c*nts on c*nts on c*nts sticker from Jezebel on my motorcycle top case was found to be oh-so-amusing to three guys on Vancouver Island recently, and offensive to all those I want it to be offensive to.

A major source of contention has come with automation and AI. In the summer of this year, the (parent) company announced that they planned to publish stories using AI, which resulted in stories that contained false information.

AI is so lousy at writing and even worse at accuracy - but the people holding the purse strings love it nonetheless. So, no more insightful, thoughtful commentary, no more framing of entertainment news in a way that made me care, no more biting insights that challenge how I think. Just crappy coppy and clickbait. 

The world needs Jezebel.



Friday, September 22, 2023

Having a dog does not prevent you from traveling: OPT TO ADOPT

Just finished a 17-day motorcycle adventure, mostly in Vancouver Island, but also on Mainland British Columbia and in the Northern Cascades on Washington state. Here are the highlights and here are a few photos.

I always share my blogs and photos about my travel, especially motorcycle travel, but this time, in addition, I want to dispel the myth that you can't travel if you have a dog. 

I have had a dog, or two, since 1990. And in that time, I've traveled to 40 countries. Also in that time, I've lived abroad. 

I won't stop traveling until my health prevents me from doing it. But I also won't stop ever having a dog in my family until my health prevents me from doing it. Both are a priority and both are absolutely possible. Take either away, and I'll crumble mentally. 

Let's be clear: my employment (or lack there of), the limitations on how much vacation my husband can take and my budget prevent me traveling far, far more than having a dog. 

I have a part-time job now, with no benefits, including no paid vacation, but I can't take unpaid vacation absolutely any time I want - I was hired to do work, and that work needs to be done, and sometimes, that work means I don't go somewhere when I want to. In addition, I don't have a big budget, since I haven't been fully employed since 2005, and that also keeps me from doing all I want to do in terms of travel. 

And then there's lack of vacation time: even if I had a full-time job, I would be in the same boat as my husband, because this is the USA, where most people get just two weeks paid vacation. Some get three. Some get four. But no more. This is in stark contrast to Europe, where most people get six. Four weeks is not at all enough time to do all we want to do. 

What do I do with my dogs when both my husband and I travel? Sometimes, I've found a great kennel to host my dogs and the dogs I've had loved the kennel: one thought of it as a spa week. For the other dogs, who were SO much happier to be at home while I'm gone, I've found dog sitters: in Germany, I found dog sitters easily, casually, but here in the USA, I have to use Rover.com (but I've been looking into Trusted House Sitters, because a friend is actually one of those trusted housesitters). 

Kennels and dog / house sitters are an additional expense when considering travel, absolutely. But it's so worth it! As I've said many times, having pets is cheaper than therapy, and the results are often better. 

Even if I had the vacation time and budget, traveling for more than three weeks by both my husband and I is pretty much out of the question for me while I have a dog. I can't imagine being away from my dog for longer than that. I do miss her terribly while I'm out and about just for a few days, and after a couple of weeks, I'm all but running into the house to see her. 

I have left my dog for more than three weeks. I did it when working abroad without my husband in 2007. I worked abroad for six months, coming home every nine weeks. Oh how I missed her! But I knew my husband would be there, every day, taking care of her, and that was what was most important: that at least one of us was coming home to her every day. And unlike my dog, I could do video chats and phone calls with my husband - I missed him too, of course. I'm not sure I could do it again though, not so much for missing my family but because I hate all those hours and hours and hours in airports. 

One of the things I've loved about having a dog, or dogs, is traveling WITH the dogs. A weekend trip in a tent or a camping trailer or a cabin at a campsite is heaven for us all. But I'm not a travel-everywhere-with-my-dog person. I think my dogs are far, far happier at home, without me, than a hotel room. And I won't take my dog on a plane unless I'm moving abroad for years - the risk is just too great. 

So, my point is: quit saying you want to adopt a dog or a cat but can't because you want to travel. Shelters are bursting with animals. The situation in animal shelters is horrific because of all the surrendered animals. OPT TO ADOPT. Adopt a dog. Or a cat. Adopt two. Adopt both. Reorganize your life: come home from work at a reasonable hour and make time to walk your dog twice a day. What your mental and physical health improve. And keep making those travel plans!  

Friday, September 8, 2023

Waldteufel

Whilst practicing piano recently, I discovered there was a French composer with the German last name of Waldteufel. If Stefan's last name had been Waldteufel, I would have totally given up my name and become Mrs. Stefan Waldteufel.

🌲👿

(Wald means forest and Teufel means devil).

Happy birthday, babe. 

Thursday, August 31, 2023

Therapy should challenge you

Too many therapists assume the role of advocate — possibly rendering them worse than no therapist at all. Their patients should dump them and find replacements who are brutally unafraid of crushing their egos.

From Why I fired my therapists, by Foster Kamer, August 16, 2023, in The Washington Post.

I completely agree. 

This article isn't against therapy. It's against just what it says: therapists who don't challenge you, the patient, therapists who never tell you that you are wrong, who just agree with you always and what you want to do and that tell you that anyone you feel wronged by is "toxic." 

That's not therapy and it's not helpful. 

That isn't to say that there aren't toxic people and that you shouldn't avoid toxic people. But if your therapist is never confronting you about your own behavior, is never questioning you about decisions going forward, you don't have a therapist - you have a lackey. If you like absolutely everything your therapist says and always feel great, never ever confronted or questioned after you leave a therapy appointment, fire your therapist. 

 

Sunday, August 20, 2023

What praying is

The doctrine of the material efficacy of prayer reduces the Creator to a cosmic bellhop of a not very bright or reliable kind.

-- Herbert J. Muller, educator, historian, and author (1905-1980)

I am so glad I don't waste my time on begging to an invisible, magical, mean-spirited, aloof arrogant jerk who, in fact, does not exist. 

-- me (1966 - ?)

Friday, August 4, 2023

Don't give in to the dark side

It dawned on me today that I am the same age that my father was when he committed suicide. 

Before I go further, do not message me to chastise me for saying committed suicide. I know that a lot of people now say died by suicide. I refuse to say that in this case. This was an act carefully planned and thoughtfully undertaken and meant to hurt others - I have the letter to prove that. It was not something that randomly happened. He did not die by shark attack. He committed to the act. 

Anyway...

In my younger days, in some very dark times, what kept me from committing suicide was knowing what it would do to my family. When I was in a dark place in my teens and 20s - and there were many times I was - the idea that I would be responsible for destroying my paternal grandmother, in particular, was enough to come up with another way, ANY way, to get through the day. My Dad died just after I turned 30, and that year became one of the worst, probably the worst, of my life, both because of what he did and a lot of other circumstances - yet, by then, suicide was no longer an option to consider, as it had been when I was far younger. 

So much of depression is biological - there's no question of that. If you don't believe that, just look at all of the successful people who kill themselves, and all the people who are facing unbelievably difficult circumstances and don't ever consider it. I also don't think depression is entirely biological and, absolutely, bad events can trigger depression. I don't think the biological underpinnings of depression or extreme anxiety can be ignored, BUT, I also don't think talk therapy and working to retrain your brain can be ignored either - it's not a one or the other debate. My father, in many ways, reveled in thinking about all of the ways he believed he had been wronged, or all the ways he believed he lacked what he thought others had - it was how he chose to define himself for decades. He wore it like a badge of honor. But he also never got quality therapy and he never got away from all the things that triggered his depression. 

My brain is different than it was in my teens and 20s. I can see it in reading my journals and thinking how I processed information and how I thought about myself. I'm not entirely sure why, on my late 50s, my brain does not work that way anymore - I don't get as upset or as resentful about things as I did then. I think that's from a combination of actions I've taken to change - to change how I spend my day, in changing where I live, in work to change how I think about things AND a change in my brain chemistry that's come from... I don't know what. Age? How I spend my time? Not that I haven't had recent dark times - I've had some hopeless months in my 40s and 50s. But suicide is no longer an option. I hope it never is. 

Years ago, Dan Savage and his partner, Terry, unintentionally started a worldwide campaign against gay teen suicide: "It Gets Better." I'm not gay, but I identified with their advice a LOT. I know that they were emphasizing to teens that, if you tough it out and get through high school and get out of that school and town, it almost instantly gets better. But I think some of their words fit a lot of people who are struggling with the darkest of thoughts: 

However bad it is now, it gets better. And it can get great. It can get awesome. Your life can be amazing. But you have to tough this period of your life out, and you have to live your life so that you are around for it to get amazing. And it can and it will. 

I believe that. And not just because of my own experience, not just because of all of the amazing things I've experienced in my 30s and 40s and 50s. I believe it because I've known people who have lost everything - their homes, their families, their entire towns, and in moments, their dignity and their bodily autonomy - and I have seen how they have created and embraced their post-trauma lives. I have seen how they value just walking down a street safely. I have seen how they relish food and music. These are people who have seen the absolute worst humans are capable of, and have had the most horrible things done to them. That trauma is still a part of them, a huge part of them - but it's not all they are. I am grateful to have had them in my life, to keep my faith in humanity - and myself - alive.   

Again: things aren't all puppies and sunshine now. I still have dark moments. I'm gutted over gaining all of the weight back that I worked so hard to lose - weight that came back largely because of perimenopause. I still sometimes spiral down when I think about how much I miss my career. But I've made a lot of adjustments in how I live life. I've been tenacious in trying to make things better for myself. I try to spend as many hours trying to improve things, trying to stay curious, as I do lamenting how much life can suck eggs.  

And I also know I'm lucky: I fell in love with movies. I have had amazing friends. I was able to move away from a place where I experienced my first traumas. I've had amazing jobs. I've seen and experienced glorious moments. I found a partner to face my later years with, who loves me but also challenges me. Had I stayed where I was born, I'm not sure I would have made it. 

My Dad chose to miss the weddings of all four of his children, the opportunity to have four wonderful sons and daughters-in-law, and three grandchildren and a great-grandchild. He chose to miss what very likely would have been the very best part of his life. 

In contrast, I don't think for me, at 57, that the years ahead of me are going to be the best of my life. That's because my life up to now has been rather spectacular. However, I have so much I'm looking forward to and working towards and learning. I hope I can keep this outlook - it's taken a while to get it, and I'm going to do all I can to keep cultivating it. 

Also:

Travel, food and pain

In mourning

Failure and Triumph

Articles telling you how to deal with depression are bullsh*t

Have you been a bully?

 

Tuesday, July 18, 2023

Travel is glorious - ignore the haters


I heard an inane interview on NPR via Vox last night. I'm not going to say the name of the person interviewed, because I really don't want to promote her. I will say that this person regularly writes for one of the most snobby publications ever. In the interview, this woman smugly asserted that travel was unnecessary and unfulfilling and even absurd and should be discouraged, not celebrated. 

She believes people who travel do ONE kind of travel: they go to another place, a famous region or city, and try to tick off boxes of things to see. And that these travelers do things abroad that they don't do in their own communities and actually don't enjoy - they do it just because it's foreign. 

I have no idea why NPR nor Vox gave this woman a platform. 

At one point, she mocked people for going to organ concerts in Europe but not in their own communities. Um... there are no organ concerts where I live. And there are no, massive, huge cathedrals where an organ concert blankets you with sound anywhere near I live.  

She would probably mock me for loving the day I rode a bicycle around Hopkins, Belize in February and smirk, "Why not do that in your own community?" I don't do it here because there are no lightly traveled dirt roads in my neighborhood that take me to beautiful views of the ocean, or to an out-of-the-way coffee shop with no drive through - just locals and a large porch where I can watch the children walk to the only school in town. Because there's no beach in my town, and if there were, and I rode to a hotel here and said, "Hi, I'm not a guest here, but can I go sit out on your beach access?" they would laugh and call security - instead of welcoming me in and giving me and my husband free sodas. Because when I ride my bike here where I live, which I do for work, I have to ride with an eye to a great deal of traffic and people who wouldn't mind at all if they hit me, and I have to ride quickly, not leisurely. Because there's no restaurant with wood-fired pizza right on the non-existant beach where I live that I can ride my bicycle to. And if I went all the way to the Oregon coast, even with that beach access, none of the aforementioned is possible, because there are no charming dirt roads and small neighborhoods along the beach - just oh-so-busy Highway 101, massive resorts and private communities with their own private roads and no public beach access. No, there's no way to replicate that amazing day I had in Belize here in Oregon, you twit. 

Another reason I love to travel, especially abroad, is that I am fascinated at how I get treated as a stranger abroad. I'm obviously out-of-place, and most people are so welcoming, even if I don't speak any of their local language. It restores my faith in humanity, especially because I live in Oregon, a state that is NOT known for its hospitality, a state that is NOT known for its diversity, and where you have to be conscious that the guy who feels you cut him off in traffic or that you are trespassing or that hates the bumper sticker on your motorcycle is likely armed with a loaded gun.  

And even though I am not from Oregon, and deride the people here a LOT here on this blog, I have seen more of Oregon than most Oregonians, and have loved it. Because I travel. Camping in my backyard is not the same as camping in the Alvord Desert and looking out on that vast emptiness of the playa - and the night sky above. I've never seen anything like Crater Lake in any of the 40 countries I've visited. Reading about the takeover of Alpine, Oregon by a religious cult is one thing - but actually going there and seeing the remains of red paint in the stock room at the restaurant and talking to locals about that time made it oh-so-real.  

Yes, there are people that travel just to tick off boxes. There are people who won't go to any public lands just a few miles from their home, won't go hiking, won't go to any of the outdoor presentations about nature, but will plan a trip to Yellowstone - and spend most of the time in their car, driving through the park, or going to Old Faithful and then getting angry they couldn't get closer to film it on their phone. There are people that go to the Louvre and try to see the entire museum in a day. There are people that will go to an outdoor cafe in Italy and think it's magical - but not go to any in their own community (and even fight against a cafe that tries to create such). I know those people too. But they hardly represent most travelers. 

I don't travel for bragging rights. I don't travel to tick off boxes. I travel to get closer to history, to experience different cultures, to have experiences I can't have locally and to feel some distance from my every day life. Yes, I share photos of my travels - I'm happy. Why wouldn't I share photos of me being happy?! There is no local experience in my country that can match me weeping at the ancient pyramids of Egypt, Mexico, Belize and Guatemala. And it wasn't until I went to the ceremonial mounds of Ireland, Scotland and Northern France that I realized how much my country has lost by not preserving the mounds of the Mississippian culture in what is now the USA, the culture here before Europeans came. 

Reading about a place is great - but when I stand in that place I have read about in history, I am often overwhelmed with emotion. I've read so much about ancient Roman and Greek civilizations - I even took an entire university course in such back in my college days. But standing in Pompeii or Herculaneum or Petra or the Colosseum in Rome... history was alive. I could (and did) place my hand upon a rock carved by someone thousands of years ago. I walked on streets once, and still, bustling with people. It is astounding to see what could be done with just hand tools, with no machinery as we know it. You wonder if they were smarter than us now.

And what I love about fellow travelers, the people this philosopher doesn't seem to know at all, is that they also immerse themselves in local experiences in their own communities, or not too far away. They are the ones with a wood-fired pizza oven in their own backyard, who go hear a bluegrass band playing at a local pub, who dance to the Tejano band at the local farmer's market, who go to history presentations at the local library, who go hear the handbell concert at the Methodist church across the street from their house, who visit the nearest Halal market to buy what's needed to prepare a special supper that night (and practice some of my five words of Arabic or Dari with local staff).  

I really hope no one listened to this woman and her snobby mocking nonsense. I hope no one who was planning to travel abroad, especially the first time, is now rethinking the trip because of her. 

I'm firmly with Mark Twain (in The Innocents Abroad, 1869) on this one: 

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.


I have an entire section of my web site devoted to travel - not just my travels, but resources to help YOU travel (especially for women travelers). There's advice on packing, knowing what kind of accommodation is best for you (not everyone likes the same thing), safety and more.  

Yes, I know that travel contributes to carbon emissions, which contribute to climate change. So does driving a car to and from work. I ride a bicycle or take a bus to work, I compost all my household food waste and I buy WAY less than most people I know (clothes, electronics, etc.). I have more than offset any carbon emissions from my travels. 

Travel! Share photos! And keep talking about it! I love hearing your stories and seeing your photos! 

Wednesday, July 5, 2023

Wheel of privilege and power

Wheel of privilege and power. 
The closer you are to the center, the more privilege you have.

Something to consider.



I don't even want to think about what the right-wing version of this would be. 

 

Thursday, June 1, 2023

My black cousins

I've been mapping my family tree for many years. My original quest was to find my closest ancestors born in other countries. I gave that up because I'm a 7th, 8th, even 9th generation American - knowing what regions I'm "from" is an impossible fact to determine for most of my family. 

I also really wanted to find out that I have substantial ancestry other than English. Welp, I'm more English than the British royal family. 

And I also really hoped to find out I'm related to some very famous person or historical figure. So far, no such thing. Though I am related to a former Miss America...  

But I'm continuing to do research on my family tree. These are my new geneology quests:

  • To figure out who the parents were of my third great-grandfather, Ambrose Beasley, and those of his wife, Missouri Cauthen.
  • To figure out who the parents were of my third great-grandfather, William Smith or Schmidt and those of his wife, Polly Wells.
  • To figure out who the parents were of my third great-grandfather, John Figgins (I know the ancestry of his wife, my third great-grandmother, Ruth Butts).
  • To figure out who the parents were of my third great-grandmother, Martha Bradshaw or Bratcher (I know the ancestry of her husband, my third great-grandfather, William Perrin).
  • To figure out who the father of Ada Jane Mansfield was (she's my great-great-grandmother) and his ancestry (I'm using DNA matches with no common ancestors in the trees and hoping I'll figure it out).
Finding all that would mean I know all of my family lines back into the 1700s in North America. 

Also, I want to
  • find out every family member that fought in the Civil War, on either side. 
  • figure out who my ancestors were that enslaved people. 
  • figure out who fathered the patriarch of a particular black family from Alabama. 

This blog is about that last bullet point. 

A few years ago, after meticulously color-coding every one of my DNA matches on Ancestry.com based on which branch of the family we were related,  I noticed that many of my closest DNA relatives on a certain great-grandmother's family tree were black - including my closest relative on that branch. One of those DNA relatives that also had a family tree up on Ancestry.com had her grandfather listed as having an unknown father, and her grandfather was in the trees of most of those other black cousins of mine that had trees up (not everyone puts up trees). 

I'm going to call this man, her grandfather, Mr. Smith, but that's not his name. 

Through a lot of DNA comparisons and cross-referencing, and date and place comparisons and whatnot, I figured out who our common ancestors are for my black cousins: my fourth great-grandfather and his wife, who lived in Hale County, Alabama (and had a farm and ranch that sprawled into Perry County). 

Now I'm trying to figure out if the direct paternal link to my family - to our family - is through one of my fourth great-grandfather's sons or grandsons. For sure, it's one or the other. That's beyond debate. 

Mr. Smith was born in 1919 in Alabama - after the Civil War but at a time, in the Southern states, when black Americans remained oppressed and terrorized. Perhaps Mr. Smith's mother would say she wasn't pressured into whatever this "relationship" might have been - but at the very least, the power dynamic of this biological mother and father was extraordinarily and uncomfortably unbalanced, so it makes me uncomfortable for her. 

Was the mother of Mr. Smith a servant in the white family's house? Was she the daughter of a servant or the daughter of a worker on the farm? How did she and the descendent of my ancestor know each other? 

Per info on ancestry.com, I know her name, that she was 25 when her son was born in Uniontown, Alabama, and that she was 26 when, in 1920, she married the man who fathered her other, later children. 

I know Mr. Smith died in 2008 in Bessemer, Jefferson County, Alabama, USA. I know the names of his children. I even know the names of some of his grandchildren. 

But I don't know enough yet to figure out exactly who Mr. Smith's biological father was.

I reached out to the DNA match who had her grandfather, Mr. Smith, as having an unknown father. I wrote, in part:

Hello. My name is... You can google my full name and know more about me, if you wish. I apologize if I'm intruding, and if you don't feel like you want to respond, I won't at all be offended if you don't. We are DNA matches and I may know how, in general. My great-grandmother's family is from Alabama. I actually knew my great-grandmother - she lived to be almost 100. She was very tight-lipped about her childhood, and as I untangle her family tree via Ancestry, I understand why, more and more...

I have so rarely written anyone on ancestry, but when I started to see this thread among DNA matches, and you had written that [Mr. Smith], who our common relatives all have in their tree, as having an unknown father.... well, I thought, I’ll write her and see if she has some info… 

And, of course, what is discovered, if we ever do discover anything, could be potentially painful - I'm not interested in being exploitative or salacious or traumatizing for anyone, and I wouldn’t hurt anyone for the world - I'm just curious, it’s interesting to investigate, etc. But I know this can be very personal for folks... I try to be sensitive and not flippant about what I find out...

I wrote a lot more, explaining the connection (incorrectly at the time - I've since corrected it). She responded graciously and curiously, and we've been in touch now for more than a year. She told me that her grandfather, Mr. Smith, was sent off to live with the family of his aunt elsewhere in Alabama for most of his childhood. She confirmed that the person who is my closest DNA match on my great-grandmother's side is her first cousin, a grandson of her grandfather. And she told me it was always known that Mr. Smith had a white father, and there is even a photo of a white man, which she shared with me, among his belongings - but no one in the family had any idea of who it was. When Mr. Smith died, his dementia prevented him from providing more information. 

I'm not in touch with my closest DNA relative on my great-grandmother's side - his adoptive father, who is white, has his adopted son's tree up and shared his DNA results. I reached out, but got a tepid response. 

I also have access to my maternal aunt's DNA results. Whereas this closest DNA relative on my great-grandmother's side is noted as a 4th to 6th Cousin to me, per 45 cM shared, that relative is my aunt's 2nd to 3rd Cousin with 107 cM shared.

My mother and aunts weren't aware of any of this. Their mother, my grandmother, an only child, died in 2017, before I knew any of this, and I don't think she knew any of this. Her mother, my great-grandmother, the only child of her mother, died in 1993, and she may have known (given how tight-lipped she was about her family, perhaps she knew and didn't want us to know she had black cousins), but if she did know, she took it with her to the grave. 

But why does it matter? Why do I want to know? Mr. Smith isn't my ancestor. Solving this mystery will do nothing to help me know names of more of my own ancestors. 

Part of it is that I like the idea of solving a mystery for someone else's family, a mystery that they never could have solved without me. Part of me feels like if someone wants to know their parentage, they have a right to know, and given how many of Mr. Smith's grandchildren and great-grandchildren are on Ancestry.com, there is a lot of them that want to know, and if I can be of help, I want to be. And part of me wants to acknowledge my own family's history, whether they did right or wrong, whether it's something to be proud of or something to be sad or angry about. I don't believe in blaming children for the wrongs of their ancestors, but I do believe that historical truths should be acknowledged, no matter how painful. 

This experience has been interesting not only in the facts I've discovered for a branch of my family I didn't know existed, but also in seeing yet again how our country has not valued the history and experiences (and LIVES) of black Americans: before the 1950s (and probably after), they are left out of Census data, their marriages are often not officially recorded, they don't have obituaries in newspapers, and Newspapers.com doesn't always have what used to be called "Negro" newspapers scanned in its archives - because neither do many libraries. It's both sad and anger-inducing. It's deeply unfair and unjust.  

So, now what? I'm not sure. As I said, over the years, I have meticulously color-coded my DNA matches, and I look at every new, relatively close DNA match, so I will know almost immediately if a new person takes the DNA test and is a match on any particular family line, including the one I'm talking about in this blog. I hope that someday soon I open up Ancestry to look at new DNA matches and see that a new match is a descendant of the man I suspect sired Mr. Smith and, therefore, might have the answer I'm looking for. 

Otherwise, what records could I ask the libraries, historical societies or county clerks of Perry and Hale counties to look up for me that would help me? If you have ideas, DM me or say so in the comments, because I have no idea. 

Also see:

Uncle Minnie.  

Still Trying to Be Scottish.

Ancestry drama.

Tips for using ancestry.com

Rethinking "indigenous" & DNA results

Ethnic, cultural, gender identity - good luck with your definitions

What is Southern heritage? What is worth celebrating?

Friday, May 19, 2023

Harrison Ford at Cannes. All the Feels.

As Harrison Ford’s name was announced at the morning news conference today at Cannes for the premiere of his fifth and final outing as Indiana Jones, reporters in attendance burst into a sustained round of applause. He straight up cried as the crowd showered him with a standing ovation. He struggled with emotion to get out words when the moderator of the presser said how moving it was to see him onstage at the premiere and asked how it felt. 

The story from the Washington Post - should work even if you don't subscribe. 

The photo of him with his honorary Palme d’Or is The Best. Please don't sue me, Vianney Le Caer/Invision/AP.


I know, I just blogged twice in one day. I barely blog here twice a month. But it's Harrison Ford! If you know me at all, you know how I feel about this!  

Please, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, be better than the last one. 

You are smart!

I've been having this issue for a few years: discovering that various individuals, and people in entire professions, aren't anywhere near as smart as I assumed they were. 

We all have many, many things we do NOT know. No one can know everything. And sometimes, a non-expert knows something that you would think an expert would know but doesn't. I get all of that. 

In her first book, Michelle Obama noted that she has been at the table with leaders of countries, corporations and foundations, that as a lawyer she worked with powerful corporate folks and served on corporate boards, that she's met oh-so-many people from the United Nations, and she has realized, they are not that smart, they are not brainy super humans. It isn't to say that these leaders aren't capable of the work at hand, that none of them should be in those roles, etc. But they really are not THAT smart, no hugely smarter than YOU. 

I loved that part of her book because it's what I realized when I was working at the United Nations: I went through about six months of imposter syndrome and then realized I was every bit as smart as most of the folks there, and a lot more sensible, intuitive, strategic and capable than a lot of them. 

People elected to office, medical doctors and attorneys are consistently the ones that disappoint me the most: the ones who are oblivious to what I assumed most people know, or are oblivious to people's feelings. The ones who do not listen, and show it when they respond to something someone has said to them, someone they are supposed to be helping or serving or representing. The ones that seem overly-shocked when they get any hostility or confusion to what they are saying or want to do. 

I used to think I could never, ever be a lawyer, that I wasn't bright enough. I thought lawyers had to be highly intelligent and quick-witted on a level far above me. But I've realized in the last few years that, in fact, I am smart enough to be a lawyer, and I could have been a damn good one. I could have been a lawyer! But I never dared pursue something like that - that's for the smartest of the smart, right? It's sad to realize this at 57. I even looked into paralegal classes near where I live, but ultimately decided I'm done with getting degrees and trying a new career yet again. The only class I really want to take is two weeks in Oaxaca for Spanish. 

But in another life, I'm an immigration lawyer. And my sister is a lawyer specializing in elder affairs.

You are smart. Never doubt that. Keep learning, keep growing, but take up space in that meeting - you deserve to be there. 

Wednesday, May 3, 2023

Memories of Maple Mount, Kentucky music camp

It was the summer of 1982, between my sophomore and junior years of high school. Because the schools in my county were then on a 6-3-3 system (junior high 7th through 9th grades), I had only just finished my first year at Henderson County High School, in Kentucky. I'd had a great year in choir and was thrilled when Robert Ellis, the head of all of our high school choirs, took me aside and said, "You're going to summer music camp with me and some other students." Okay!

The two-week camp, I think in June, was on the campus of Mount Saint Joseph Academy, a Roman Catholic girl's school and convent outside of Owensboro. Students would take music theory classes and rehearse choral pieces with the camp-wide choir and also with a select group of older students, both led by Mr. Ellis. Some students would also be in the camp band. Added bonus for me was that two of the HCHS students also going were two of my favorites, Mark Haffner and Randy Wilkerson. We commuted to and from the camp and I laughed to and fro the entire way. I know there were a couple of other students from HCHS but I cannot for the life of me remember who they were (sorry!). But most of the students were from Owensboro.

Here's how the camp was described in 2014 on the official web site of the Maple Mount convent:

Every summer from 1975 until 2006 Mount Saint Joseph hosted the annual Greater Owensboro Summer Music Camp which gave youngsters two weeks to receive music instruction in a relaxed setting. Maple Mount proved to be a perfect venue for students to swim, take walks, play sports and do crafts between practicing and lessons. Originally sponsored by Brescia College (now University), the camp offered talented musicians ages 11 through 22 vigorous training sessions in their respective instruments and the development of mature practice habits. Typically 75% of the students came from Daviess County, but would include students from other parts of Kentucky and the United States.

Swimming?! Playing sports?!? Missed out on that... 

I'm not Roman Catholic. This was my first time on a Roman Catholic school campus of any kind. The Mount Saint Joseph Academy campus was so, so beautiful, all green and covered in trees and feeling like it was out in the middle of nowhere. The chapel in particular was lovely to me. Some of the buildings that made up the campus were first built in the 1870s. The building that was the centerpiece of the academy is one of the oldest buildings in Daviess County. Additions to that academy building were built in 1882, 1904 and 1962. I loved the academy classrooms, even the desks. I love old schools, whether all wooden one-room schools or something vast with bricks and large windows and arched doorways. I like for schools to look like institutions of knowledge, something you should feel honored to enter, something you should respect while there. New schools aren't built like that. I remember sitting in an old classroom doing my music theory lessons in a workbook, surrounded by just a few other high school students. Because I was taking guitar lessons, I had landed in a level by myself - the other students my age were either in intro to music theory or in the advanced class, but we all sat together in the historic classroom, doing our lessons but not taking it all that seriously - it was summer camp!

At one point during the time there, there was a horrible storm, and then a tornado warning, and it all happened while we were in the large choir rehearsal room. It was absolutely black outside. We were seconds away from having to sit in the floor in THAT position, the one you have to learn when you go to school in the South or the Midwest because of the weather. I kept waiting to hear the train sound, and wondering what I would do when and if I did. When I went home that day after camp, I had to get out of the car half a block from my house and climb over a massive tree blocking the street - I was so happy to see my home was okay.  

The day of our final performance at camp felt so elegant. It was one of the first times I had ever gotten dressed up as a teenager. It was the first time I drank champagne punch. Our final musical performances were wonderful, even though I was stung by a bee in the shoulder DURING the performance. I loved looking up and seeing the elderly nuns in the balcony grooving to the little rock band performance. 

I did not want that evening to end. 

I was in heaven about that camp for weeks afterward. 

I never went to that camp again, and that's such a shame - but my family was just not functional enough to follow up the next year on our own, as well as to arrange transportation for me to go again. The only reason I got to go in the first place was because of that connection with Bob Ellis and that other students could take me. I know that he could be a hard man to love at times - but he was so damn good to me. He changed my life, not just with this camp. 

“Music at Maple Mount” started in 1975, and continued for thirty-one years there. It's now the Institute For Young Musicians and is held elsewhere. 

The all-female Mount Saint Joseph Academy opened in 1874. When I returned to HCHS after camp months later, I met a couple of its students at a speech and drama competition held at the community college in Henderson, Kentucky - I liked them immediately. Also, an all-girls school sounded so exotic to me.

The high school existed just for one more year after we were at the camp, until 1983. I heard that there were plenty of students that wanted to attend, but they couldn't find enough nun teachers. I know that graduating classes were tiny - around 15 or less students. There are more than 800 alumnae of the Mount Saint Joseph Academy.

The main academy building became a retreat center. But it closed in March 2020, when the rest of the Maple Mount campus was shut down due to the Covid-19 pandemic. It's never re-opened. 

And I just read that the building will be dismantled - it's structurally unsound. It cannot be repaired.

So sad. 

I have no photos from that wonderful summer camp. I wish I did. And I'd love to go to a two-week music camp again on a beautiful campus - even at my age. 

Sunday, April 23, 2023

My account of the April 23 meeting about the proposed pods for homeless people on Elm Street in Forest Grove

A community meeting was held from 2 to 4 p.m. Sunday, April 23, 2023 at St. Bede Church in Forest Grove, 1609 Elm St. regarding a proposed pod village on Elm Street in Forest Grove for homeless people, similar to the one across the street from Winco in Hillsboro.

The county’s supportive housing services program manager, Jes Larson, was there, along with Emily Roots, the county’s public affairs administrator, to make a presentation about the proposed site and to answer questions. But the meeting was not organized by the county - it was organized by members of a grassroots initiative, Forest Grove Folks, which is against the proposed pod site, and was chaired by one of the heads of that group, Don Thaler.

I was at this meeting. I was live blogging it on Mastodon for the first hour.

https://mastodon.social/@coyotebroad/110250176335085988

Here is what I saw and heard at the meeting - if you were there, perhaps your experience was different and, if so, feel free to share in the comments:

I was really impressed with how kindly and welcoming the opposition to this pod community, the founder of Forest Grove Folks, Don Thaler, opened the meeting, how well he moderated the meeting, how he spoke to everyone, no matter their stance, etc. You would never have known he was the head of the opposition except for one comment at the very end.

I was also really impressed with how Marlene Mutchler, Vicar of St. Bede's Episcopal in Forest Grove, set a good tone for the meeting, reminding everyone that they were in a sacred space, reminding everyone that we need to care for the homeless and all of our neighbors, and for her stepping in at one point to remind people of these points when things were getting quite out of hand. She was an important voice of reason and calm.

Jes Larson rarely gave a straight answer. Her beating around the bush when answering questions was beyond frustrating - and I say this as someone who is neutral about the pods but thinks they COULD work if properly managed and supported. She did not build trust in the county today - not at all. The county must do better in communications in the future if they don't want an ugly community revolt about this project. There is a lot of damage control to be done because of the vague answers and avoidance at this meeting - I hope they rise to the challenge.

Emily Roots, Public Affairs Administrator at Washington County Department of Housing Services, did a MUCH better job of answering questions clearly - whether or not you liked her answer, she gave straightforward answers.

Early on, an audience member asked if there are any decision-makers on stage or at the meeting regarding the pod community. The question was met with silence. This is a really, really bad look for the city and county to not have had decision-makers in attendance to listen. And I'm still not sure who the decision-makers are - Ms. Larson never really gave specifics.

In response to a question asking where they lived, Ms Larson noted she lives in Portland - and it was met with murmurs that I interpreted as people unhappy that a person NOT from the county is the lead on this project. Roots noted that she lives in Forest Grove and hikes the B street trail - but then said she lives in Forest Gale Heights - which was also met with murmurs, which I interpreted as, "Ah, yes, the most affluent part of Forest Grove, one where pods will NEVER be built."

The projector didn't work so the short presentation the county brought had to be printed out on a few sheets of paper and circulated among attendees - and the room was entirely full, some folks had to stand in the lobby. (why did they not just share it online so everyone could view it on their phones?!) The presentation was very general, just about the overall problems regarding homelessness in the county. The only slides that really related to what people wanted to know at the meeting was one that was a map of the area, this one below that outlines what the county's community engagement process regarding a "shelter siting" is supposed to look like


r/ForestGrove - My account of the April 23 meeting about the proposed pods for homeless people on Elm Street in Forest Grove

and this one that notes the timeline for the project.

r/ForestGrove - My account of the April 23 meeting about the proposed pods for homeless people on Elm Street in Forest Grove

A reminder that, while the county says it has a process for community engagement, this meeting was NOT organized by them; it was organized by a neighborhood association, Forest Grove Folks, which is in opposition to the proposed pods location.

The county representative says there will be no official community engagement until after the county has already bought the property and is preparing to move ahead - which most in the room interpreted to mean there is no way to stop the project and any community engagement would be "just for show" as one attendee said. Ms. Roots said "robust" stakeholder engagement won't happen until real estate deal closes. She sees these meetings happening in summer (not sure if she meant this summer or the summer of 2024). She thinks it will take 18 months after the real estate deal closing for pods to open.

Most of the county talking points focused on the general problem of homelessness in Washington County and presenting data to prove it - which was strange, because I don't think anyone in the room doesn't think there is NOT a crisis in Oregon regarding homelessness and, in fact, I would say most of the people in the room want to do something humane and equitable about it. That the county doesn't understand why people are opposed to this project - and there are a myriad of reasons for opposition, and that some are opposed to some parts (the pods, but not the apartments) and other are opposed to all of it - is really disturbing.

The county says the pods will be temporary housing for people who are enrolled in public service programs and have case workers and are waiting for permanent housing. It sounds like it will be single people, not families - but given the beating-around-the-bush in answer to questions, I may not have that right. It also sounds like the goal of the pods is to replace the just-four-months emergency shelter, making emergency shelter something offered year-round. And if I understood it correctly, the pods will eventually be replaced by a permanent structure, something like the Valfre at Avenida 26 in Forest Grove, a new apartment complex that provides 36 units of affordable housing for low-income families, with 30 two- and three-bedroom units. Eight of the units at the Valfre are set aside to provide permanent supportive housing with wrap-around services and case management for vulnerable community members.

You can read about that site here:

https://www.washingtoncountyor.gov/housing/news/2022/09/06/community-leaders-tackle-housing-crisis-head-grand-opening-valfre-avenida

Well into the meeting, Roots finally acknowledged the worry the community has regarding operation of the pods. She says there will be 24-hour staffing and that there is a commitment to transparency in communication regarding how the shelter will be managed.

Roots again said no stakeholder meeting will be held until the real estate transaction has ended. An audience member said waiting until after real estate deal closes is too late to talk to the community, that it makes "engagement" meaningless. Another said that, so far, what's happened has been anything but transparent.

The lack of real information from the county representative finally became too much, and people began to yell out. "How about you don't build this next to my house?!" and other comments. A woman next to me, taking notes, mumbled, "here we go." Someone yelled out, "let's cut to the chase. How do we stop this?" The room erupted into LOUD applause.

Many audience members asked to know what other areas were looked at. I never heard an answer to that question (doesn't mean there wasn't one - I may have just missed it).

There was a lot of audience pushback that this area on Elm Street meets the county's own criteria for a site, that it's really not close enough to mass transit or other services.

Ms. Larson implied that soil testing could mean housing plans do not go forward. Some audience members said that the site is contaminated from automotive oils from a previous business.

In response to a question, Ms. Larson at first implied that the pods will not be like the Hillsboro site across from WinCo, but then described the pod rules there as just like what will be proposed for Forest Grove - and the audience pointed out that the Hillsboro site has broken down cars and trash visible by anyone passing by, as well as trash and campers around the site, within 500 feet, which is supposed to be prohibited. There was great concern expressed at how the Hillsboro pod site is an eye sore. The representatives never acknowledged that.

An audience member gave an impassioned commentary that was, in the end, asking why homeless shelters are so often in or near Latino and poor communities, why the Hillsboro site across from Winco was going to be moved to Corneius, and why most shelters and most homeless services in Washington County are in district 4 of Washington County rather than the more affluent parts of the county - the room erupted in loud applause. At first, Larsen avoided answering, but after several audience members demanded an answer, Larsen said "thank you for bringing up equity," then said there are maps that show where shelters are, where poverty is, says there are 70 shelter beds in Tigard, says the county is searching for pod sites in Tigard, etc. But I never heard an answer to the question or an acknowledgment of the stated imbalance.

Larson says the pods next to WinCo in Hillsboro will, indeed, move to Cornelius. She did not acknowledge any problems with the pods regarding trash, vehicles that people are living in at the site, surrounding trash and campers, etc. - she did say that she has no data showing an increase in calls to police in that area since the pods were opened, but she would check.

There was a question about what kind of folks will live in the pods, if they will have to be drug-free, alcohol-free, drug tested, etc. "Will they take a pee test before they can enter?" Someone asked if people who have just been released from jail come to the pods.

An audience member noted that she helps homeless people on her own and the county has never helped her, she cannot get answers - she helps with paperwork on her own, helps find shelter on her own. Larsen thanked her for her efforts and said in answer to where she can actually find help, "be persistent." Once again, the room groaned.

Laren said again that there would be rules for living in the pods, that residents had to engage with public services and follow a code of conduct, and that there would be a no drugs policy, but there would be no drug testing. She said this is "a standard practice" not to have drug testing.

Someone asked if people who had been convicted of murder of child molestation would be allowed in the pods. Larsen said that they follow state law and that if people have served their time, they have the right to live somewhere. Which I guess was her way of saying, yes, there will be people with criminal backgrounds in the pods. But she noted that people with criminal backgrounds also might be in the room with us, right now, that they could already be neighbors.

Eventually, the audience began shouting out again - one person claiming that homeless people are brought in from other states. Another said she had a homeless man collapsed and barely responsible in the public right of way in front of her yard (the area between the sidewalk and the street) and that he said he had been dumped there by someone from a Hillsboro medical facility.

Larson said the vast majority of homeless people, when polled, gave as their last permanent address a place in Oregon. She said there was a number to call regarding anyone experiencing homelessness, however, she did not know the number by heart - because it's not her office's number. She directed people to call by Community Action - Hillsboro, Oregon, a nonprofit that is in charge of "Community Connect" for the area. Lots of comments that it was weird that the Supportive Housing Services Program Manager at the Washington County Department of Housing Services doesn't know that number by heart and it doesn't go to her office.

Shawn Cardwell from the Forest Grove Foundation, a local nonprofit serving the homeless population, was invited to speak. He spent most of his time noting his connections with Forest Grove and naming other board members present. Never really said why he was there and how he or his organization could be a resource for the community members present. The women in my row were confused about why he was there, since he seems to have nada to do with this pod village. One woman mumbled that she was tired of his "folksy nonsense."

An audience member asked where the county sees this project in 3 to 5 years, what they think it will look like. Larson said she hoped to see construction on the affordable homes completed and the pods gone.

Another audience member asked if the county could decide at any point to make this a camping spot for homeless people, per the rules set by "time place and manner" in a recent federal court ruling and an Oregon law. The federal court ruling provides that local law regulating sitting, lying, sleeping or keeping warm and dry outdoors on public property that is open to the public must be objectively reasonable as to time, place and manner with regard to persons experiencing homelessness, and that cities and counties are limited on limiting camping. Larson said the rule that Forest Grove passes will govern if that can happen, and that rule hasn't been passed yet. She said, "we cannot criminalize homelessness", resulting in very loud applause from a small group. She noted that no camping is allowed if there is available shelter and law prohibits camping next to pod site and that there are no plans to allow camping at this pod. Many responded that this isn't being enforced - camping is still happening even when there is shelter available and that the Hillsboro site is an example of rules NOT being enforced. Someone noted that, in theory, camping could be allowed on the right of way in front of houses in this neighborhood, in the land between the sidewalk and the street.

Someone shouted out that homelessness is because of the influx of drugs, to big applause.

Donna Gustafson, Forest Grove City Councilor, asked to speak and used her brief remarks to strongly encouraged everyone to be at the Forest Grove 2023 Annual Town Meeting on April 29, 2023, from 10 AM to Noon in the Forest Grove Community Auditorium at 1915 Main Street. She suggested people bring their neighbors, "even if they disagree with you on this," and said, "We work for you."

There was a question about who decides who goes into the permanent housing apartments, and if neighbors influence that decision maker. Larson said there will be opportunities for community input with the "entity" that will build and manage permanent housing. She said it could be a collaborative effort led by a nonprofit, which is how The Valfre is managed.

A question about if the county will pay for increased policing for predicted increased trash, crime, etc. Larson said there will be a "good neighbor agreement" that will address concerns and that they will "develop a plan" to prevent and address problems and that they will "change the plan as needed." She said, "We will work with you when we get to that point." Which prompted someone asking again about the problems at the Hillsboro site across from Winco and how this pod site would be different - and once again not getting an answer.

An audience member did speak in support of the pods, saying this is a critical, urgent need and it will address some of the concerns people already have now with unsheltered people and it will make the situation regarding the homeless better, and a small group applauded loudly.

Someone asked where the programs are to give a "hand up" instead of a hand out, and asked why the people living in the pods didn't build them themselves, and why the people that will live in the permanent housing didn't get trained in construction so they could build it themselves, so that there was both ownership and job-training. Ms. Larson said there are workforce development programs where people enrolled in such get rent help.

Someone noted that most people at the meeting care about the homeless but that no one wants this kind of pod village "in their neighborhood" and that "we want to help" but not by "putting children at risk," and again noted problems at the Hillsboro pods regarding trash and camping outside the area. She said she feels Hillsboro's problems are just being moved to Forest Grove.

Someone noted that he has had his cars and home broken into and that he is counting on his home sale to fund his retirement, and this puts that in dire jeopardy. The county rep made several remarks but they were vague and didn't address the comment, and he eventually interrupted her to ask who will compensate him for his devalued property. She said that they problems he's talking about - the robberies - are from unsheltered people. He replied, "it's all connected."

An audience member talked about how he and his family were homeless, struggled with hunger, said he would not be here without help, said he does have concerns about this project, but that we do all need to help each other. Don Thaler responded, "I think we all want to help,", and someone behind me said, "no, not all of us" - and he meant himself, that he does not want to "help". But I don't think he was heard.

An audience member asked what people in the pods will do all day. Ms Larson said that part of their time will be "down time", that they may need time to recover from being homeless, that many homeless people are crime victims themselves, and just like anyone, they need "down time." She said that otherwise their time will be meeting with case managers, getting to doctor's appointments and getting medical treatment, getting IDs, etc.

An audience member claimed that a military vet is being displaced for this development, and that this happens regularly. Larson said that, in fact, the veteran she was referring to was a renter and this was a rental dispute with the property owner because he was selling. Mr. Thaler noted that no matter who land is sold to, this person will be displaced.

An audience member suggested that Washington County officials look into "Village of Hope" in Eugene, saying it's a good model, that they have excellent screening. of residents, and says "instead of asking how do we stop this, we ask how to make this work."

https://www.cityofsalem.net/government/shaping-salem-s-future/housing-shelter/learn-about-city-efforts-to-address-homelessness/learn-about-micro-shelter-villages

This same person also said that you can tell who the renters are, because they have more trash in their yards.

The last question was if what happened today would be communicated with other county officials and the "decision-makers". Larson, after some vague comments, ultimately said yes.

If you disagree with how I've represented what happened at the meeting, feel free to note such in the comments.

Here's a newspaper article about the controversy:

https://www.forestgrovenewstimes.com/news/washington_county/potential-elm-street-pod-village-sparks-community-backlash/article_a039ede2-e09e-11ed-b5ee-c716e675e9f7.html

If you have concerns, here is the contact information to elected officials to express your thoughts:

Forest Grove City Councilors

By Email to all Councilors: CityCouncilors@forestgrove-or.gov

By Telephone: 503-992-3235 
 FG City Manager: City Manager:  Jesse VanderZanden
Phone: 503.992.3234 
Email: jvanderzanden@forestgrove-or.gov

Contact information for Washington County Board of Commissioners:


Jerry Willey - District4@washingtoncountyor.gov

Kathryn Harrington - https://forms.co.washington.or.us/form/constituent-inquiry#top