You rock! Who the hell are you?

I didn't go to the meeting with my US Congressional Representative in the next town. I had meant to, I had planned to, and it got here, and I just couldn't. As I said in my last blog, which you didn't read, I'm so tired. I'm floundering. Does any of this matter? Are we really going to have to wait two years - the elections in 2018 - to have any impact? What if those elections don't go well? What if the no-show voters remain no-shows? What if there are even more no-shows? What if Democrats remain purists and decide a Democratic candidate isn't going to be anti-corporate enough, pro-environment enough, progressive enough, and stay home, allowing the Republican to win? What else can I say to an elected official that I haven't said already?

I went to a panel discussion by Muslim women on what their life is like in the USA now - it was just a few blocks from me. I went to a free performance of The Laramie Project by a university gender equity group, also just a few blocks from me. I wrote postcards for the Ides of March. I'll go to the March for Science next month. But I'm wondering... does it really matter? Because all the people outraged on Facebook are pretty much just posting to Facebook.

Not that Facebook is bad. I'm on a Facebook group for the town where I live that is for discussion of social justice in our community and how to promote such. One thing I like about it is that it's mostly about "here's a great event to attend" rather than "Here is my white-person's opinion of the injustice to the Latino community happening now," for the most part. I'd like to think I've helped with that tone: I post at least a couple of times a week to it, with recommendations for events to attend, info on city and county government activities people need to be aware of and think about influencing, and practical ways to be allies to the many communities and individuals under threat now: Latinos, Muslims, Sikhs, black Americans, single moms, sexually-active women that don't want children...

I got a DM from someone else on the group. We had met face-to-face before, years ago, when, via another Facebook group, I offered free plums to anyone willing to come to my house and pick them. He wrote:

I remember gathering plums but I really had no idea who you were in terms of the quality of your posts. You rock! And now I see a return for you to Ukraine. Who the hell are you? What business calls you to Ukraine??? I so appreciate your contributions to facebook. You never miss - always on target.

I thanked him for the comments, told him a bit about me, and said that I was trying to apply the principles I use abroad and promote regarding community development right here in our little town.

What I didn't tell him was that this the best compliment I've had in a long time. I cried when I read it. Yeah, I am more than a woman who seems to always be home or walking her dog. Thanks for noticing.

I also got a very sweet shout out in this blog from a colleague in Australia. That meant a lot.

But it's not enough to get me out of the dumps.

I've been particularly down because, out of the blue, I got offered a trip to Ukraine to teach a workshop and, within days, the offer got rescinded, because of budgeting. The organization had wanted me because they had asked clients who they would most like to lead a workshop, and on what subject, and three people wrote in my name. Three. But there will be no trip because, just like every other area where I work, funding has been cut, or is about to be cut. This scaling back of support by government for nonprofits and international development isn't just bad for millions of people that rely on such - it's bad for a certain consultant in Oregon.

And many weeks before that, I got an email out of the blue telling me an online university wanted to interview me about teaching a class. I had my initial interview, just with an outsourced screener making sure I had the credentials, and then the date was set up with the dean of the department. I researched, I rehearsed, I adjusted various online things about me... and then she wrote the day before and said she needed to postpone the interview, and would get back to me. And then she didn't respond to my two emails afterward, checking in, saying I was oh-so-ready for the interview at her convenience and all that. And then I got an email from the first interviewer, saying they'd picked a candidate and thanking me for my time.

This is what it's been like professionally since moving back to the USA, and particularly for the last two years: almosts. And even those are becoming fewer and fewer.

Lots of colleagues are at a conference now that I would love to have attended. But I don't have the money for the travel and conference fees. Another set of colleagues really want me at a conference later this year, but I'm not sure I can afford that either - and I know it won't lead to any paid work, so why go? Conference attendance has never lead directly to paid work for me - though I've been paid to attend a few conferences.

Somewhere - I don't remember where - I read an interview with someone who said he makes himself write down five ideas a day. An idea for a business, or a screenplay, or a novel, or a vacation, or a career change, and on and on. It's supposed to force inspiration, force creativity. To break through and all that. I am not very creative. And I'm really uninspired. So I did it. For three months. I now have this huge document of ideas for screenplays and novels and businesses and nonprofits and different careers and on and on. And... yeah, whatever. The novel ideas aren't all that great. The nonprofits are vague and I'm not sure I could really prove any are needed.

A few years ago, I tried rebranding myself and applying for very different jobs than I had been most of my life. Going for it! No matter what! It resulted in nada.

While I'm not creative, I am an amazing number 2 for someone who is. He or she has the vision, I can get us there. But I have no one to follow. And at my age, people just see an old, fat woman. They don't see spirit and drive and capabilities.

Did I mention I'm floundering?

I'm having trouble even finding things I want to do socially. Nothing sounds interesting. I did find this, and got excited, but there were two problems: it's sold out, and I've got a few thousand dollars of medical bills coming up, so I couldn't afford it anyway.

And why am I writing this... no one is reading it...

Cut & paste

Those cut-and-paste posts on Facebook about "Let's see if anyone reads my status update" or "Hey, everyone, can I ask a favor"? I scroll right by them. As soon as I see those words, I stop reading and keep going. I hate cut-and-paste status updates pretending to be the words of friends. I've unfollowed some people because it's all they seem to post - memes and cut-and-paste status updates for thoughts and prayers.

I'm not worried about offending anyone by saying that because, the reality is, those folks aren't going to read this blog. They never do.

I do understand the desire to experiment and see who actually reads your Facebook posts. I "like" or otherwise react to most every friend's Facebook status update that I actually read, but most people don't - they just scroll through their newsfeed. And since I'm one of those sincere Facebook posters - unless there are quotes around something in my status update, I wrote it - I confess that I am a little hurt when a post of my own words gets no likes.

I confess that I've long tested whether or not people read my blogs. I've done it for years. My test is usually dropping something very juicy in the middle or at the end of a blog, something that any reader would react to with a "wow", at least. Then I wait and see who comments on that specific thing on Facebook or in an email to me or on the blog itself. Like when I was in Afghanistan: I wrote regularly about my experiences, and often put something jaw-dropping somewhere in the blog. Days later, I'd get emails from people asking me, "How's it going?" and then they'd go on about whatever, and I'd realize, wow, they so aren't reading my blogs, because if they did, they wouldn't just ask "How's it going?" They would ask, "Holy crap did that really happen?!?" Or when I had a motorcycle wreck in Utah - I wrote all about it in a travel blog, in great detail, and then posted a link to the blog on Facebook, without mentioning it - just said, "Hey, here's my travelogue from Utah. It was quite an adventure!" After about a dozen "great blog" comments, one friend - ONE - wrote "Oh my god, are you okay? I can't believe those photos!" I knew all those other folks hadn't actually read the blog - but she had.

Honestly, I get more feedback from strangers about my blogs than from friends. But that feedback is often so touching, it keeps me writing.

I'm so weird: I actually read my friends' blogs. You write some big essay online and post a link to it, and I actually go and read it. I also go through all of your vacation photos if you share them online. I do it because you are asking me to by posting a link, and I do it because I enjoy it. I confess I don't usually listen to your podcasts. Because to listen to a podcast, I have to be doing something - like washing the dishes or dusting or folding laundry - and I hate doing those things.

So what truth bomb am I going to drop here to see who reads this blog?

Harrison Ford is going to hike Kilimanjaro. Don't ask me how I know. I just know. And if you bothered to read this blog, now you do too. See, I drop these kind of truth bombs all the time - just think of all that, you've missed!

Actually, the biggest truth bomb is probably this: I really do NOT want to have to be political right now. I'd love to say, "Screw it" and not care. I'm 52 years old - I really don't want to be doing this again. I just don't. I'm so angry at the people that have created this situation, by supporting the current administration or not voting at all, that I just can't be around them. If I hear one more person say, "Oh, he's really nice, he voted for Trump, but he doesn't support everything he's doing," I'm going to run down the street screaming.  

As much as I don't want to be political right now, I have to be political. I have no choice. Because I can't ignore deportations of people that have lived here for decades, paid taxes, contributed to communities and raised families. I can't ignore a push for private prisons that's a part of a plan to lock up more black Americans, specifically. I can't ignore all of the citizens already disenfranchised from voting, let alone the additional citizens that will be prevented from voting. I can't ignore women who need abortions but can't access them. I can't ignore kids in substandard public schools, schools that have been defunded, staffed by under-paid, overworked teachers who are regularly derided by rich, white people who send their kids to private schools. I can't ignore desperate refugees. I can't ignore the growing gap between the 1% and the rest of us - a gap that will grow exponentially in the next four years.

Therefore, while you post outrage to Facebook, I go to community meetings for immigrants where lawyers try to explain their oh-so-limited rights (and I try to understand Spanish). I join a citizens committee for safety and, instead of talking about pedestrian and bicycle safety - the reasons I joined - I keep reminding the group that there are a few thousand terrified citizens in our midst, per the current administration, and if we are supposed to be about safety, we need to be thinking about them (it wins me no friends - I've no doubt I won't be renewed for next year). I look for Democratic Party meetings I can go to by mass transit, since I don't have a car and don't like riding my motorcycle at night (no luck so far). Instead of going to the movies, I go to meetings with state and national representatives and hope my presence matters. And I resent all your political posts because I know you aren't out registering voters or protesting in a legislator's lobby or even calling your Senators and Congressional representative.

Another truth bomb: I'm lonely. I so need a girl's weekend somewhere, away from our homes, somewhere fun or beautiful. But I not only don't have the money for such (I'd be blowing some of my emergency fund on it if I did it), I can't find anyone to go with. I've floated the idea to a few friends - none are available or interested. But, really, who wants to hang out with Eeyore.

I'm not only tired politically, I'm also dealing with some health issues and feeling very alone in facing them. No one wants to be around someone that's going to need medical treatments of any kind and be in pain and helpless for several days. I'm looking into treatment in Mexico because it's cheaper - yes, even with insurance covering part of it here in the USA, and even including the flights to and from Mexico, TWICE. And also because I'd probably get way better care there: these medical "vacations" arrange your place to stay and for someone to check on you and make sure you're okay and get you the basics of what you need. After a painful procedure, that's what one needs, and it's certainly not covered here in the USA. In the end, even if it ends up being the same costs as here in the USA, it sounds like I'll get way better support and care than I will here. But don't expect any photos from this kind of "vacation." Unless the vacation also provides a Diego Luna lookalike who will hold my hand after the procedures. Then I will totally be taking photos.

My last truth bomb: like Olivia Spencer, I also have imposter's syndrome. But unlike her, I have been exposed as a fraud. If I wasn't a fraud, I'd be employed now... and have a well-selling book.

Back to the political stuff this weekend. If anyone cares.