Wednesday, March 29, 2017

You rock! Who the hell are you?

I didn't go to the meeting with my US Congressional Representative in the next town. I had meant to, I had planned to, and it got here, and I just couldn't. As I said in my last blog, which you didn't read, I'm so tired. I'm floundering. Does any of this matter? Are we really going to have to wait two years - the elections in 2018 - to have any impact? What if those elections don't go well? What if the no-show voters remain no-shows? What if there are even more no-shows? What if Democrats remain purists and decide a Democratic candidate isn't going to be anti-corporate enough, pro-environment enough, progressive enough, and stay home, allowing the Republican to win? What else can I say to an elected official that I haven't said already?

I went to a panel discussion by Muslim women on what their life is like in the USA now - it was just a few blocks from me. I went to a free performance of The Laramie Project by a university gender equity group, also just a few blocks from me. I wrote postcards for the Ides of March. I'll go to the March for Science next month. But I'm wondering... does it really matter? Because all the people outraged on Facebook are pretty much just posting to Facebook.

Not that Facebook is bad. I'm on a Facebook group for the town where I live that is for discussion of social justice in our community and how to promote such. One thing I like about it is that it's mostly about "here's a great event to attend" rather than "Here is my white-person's opinion of the injustice to the Latino community happening now," for the most part. I'd like to think I've helped with that tone: I post at least a couple of times a week to it, with recommendations for events to attend, info on city and county government activities people need to be aware of and think about influencing, and practical ways to be allies to the many communities and individuals under threat now: Latinos, Muslims, Sikhs, black Americans, single moms, sexually-active women that don't want children...

I got a DM from someone else on the group. We had met face-to-face before, years ago, when, via another Facebook group, I offered free plums to anyone willing to come to my house and pick them. He wrote:

I remember gathering plums but I really had no idea who you were in terms of the quality of your posts. You rock! And now I see a return for you to Ukraine. Who the hell are you? What business calls you to Ukraine??? I so appreciate your contributions to facebook. You never miss - always on target.

I thanked him for the comments, told him a bit about me, and said that I was trying to apply the principles I use abroad and promote regarding community development right here in our little town.

What I didn't tell him was that this the best compliment I've had in a long time. I cried when I read it. Yeah, I am more than a woman who seems to always be home or walking her dog. Thanks for noticing.

I also got a very sweet shout out in this blog from a colleague in Australia. That meant a lot.

But it's not enough to get me out of the dumps.

I've been particularly down because, out of the blue, I got offered a trip to Ukraine to teach a workshop and, within days, the offer got rescinded, because of budgeting. The organization had wanted me because they had asked clients who they would most like to lead a workshop, and on what subject, and three people wrote in my name. Three. But there will be no trip because, just like every other area where I work, funding has been cut, or is about to be cut. This scaling back of support by government for nonprofits and international development isn't just bad for millions of people that rely on such - it's bad for a certain consultant in Oregon.

And many weeks before that, I got an email out of the blue telling me an online university wanted to interview me about teaching a class. I had my initial interview, just with an outsourced screener making sure I had the credentials, and then the date was set up with the dean of the department. I researched, I rehearsed, I adjusted various online things about me... and then she wrote the day before and said she needed to postpone the interview, and would get back to me. And then she didn't respond to my two emails afterward, checking in, saying I was oh-so-ready for the interview at her convenience and all that. And then I got an email from the first interviewer, saying they'd picked a candidate and thanking me for my time.

This is what it's been like professionally since moving back to the USA, and particularly for the last two years: almosts. And even those are becoming fewer and fewer.

Lots of colleagues are at a conference now that I would love to have attended. But I don't have the money for the travel and conference fees. Another set of colleagues really want me at a conference later this year, but I'm not sure I can afford that either - and I know it won't lead to any paid work, so why go? Conference attendance has never lead directly to paid work for me - though I've been paid to attend a few conferences.

Somewhere - I don't remember where - I read an interview with someone who said he makes himself write down five ideas a day. An idea for a business, or a screenplay, or a novel, or a vacation, or a career change, and on and on. It's supposed to force inspiration, force creativity. To break through and all that. I am not very creative. And I'm really uninspired. So I did it. For three months. I now have this huge document of ideas for screenplays and novels and businesses and nonprofits and different careers and on and on. And... yeah, whatever. The novel ideas aren't all that great. The nonprofits are vague and I'm not sure I could really prove any are needed.

A few years ago, I tried rebranding myself and applying for very different jobs than I had been most of my life. Going for it! No matter what! It resulted in nada.

While I'm not creative, I am an amazing number 2 for someone who is. He or she has the vision, I can get us there. But I have no one to follow. And at my age, people just see an old, fat woman. They don't see spirit and drive and capabilities.

Did I mention I'm floundering?

I'm having trouble even finding things I want to do socially. Nothing sounds interesting. I did find this, and got excited, but there were two problems: it's sold out, and I've got a few thousand dollars of medical bills coming up, so I couldn't afford it anyway.

And why am I writing this... no one is reading it...

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