Articles telling you how to deal with depression are bullsh*t

The internet is packed with advice on how to deal with depression. And they are all crap. 

Here's why:

The advice always starts with Talk with a friend. 

For people who are suffering from severe depression, friends have often distanced themselves, or they don't have friends to trust with this kind of conversation. In addition, friends often give LOUSY advice when it comes to depression, and may even make the situation worse. In short, in many, many most, cases for someone who is depressed, friends aren't available or aren't a good option at all. 

Next is always Talk with a therapist.

This is the one that really infuriates me. There's rarely any advice offered on how to find a therapist. Most people have no idea how to find a therapist, and their depression has drained them so much they aren't going to spend hours trying to figure it out. Sometimes, the article will say, "talk with your health care provider for referrals." What if the person doesn't have health care insurance? What if all of the therapists that are in the person's health care insurance network are booked solid for months?

And what if you cannot afford to go to a therapist? Even if you have healthcare coverage, therapy is terribly expensive. 

There's also this reality: there are some really lousy therapists out there. I've had one. Where's the advice on how to know if a therapist is worthwhile? What are the signs that you have a good therapist, versus one that you need to drop?

Is online therapy an option? It might be, if you can afford it. The cost of therapy ranges from $60 to $100 per week, usually billed every four weeks, and can even be higher based on your preferences, location and therapist availability. Here's what healthline.com had to say about online therapy sites:

• Best overall: Talkspace.
• Largest network of licensed counselors: BetterHelp.
• Best online therapy for cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): Online-Therapy.com.
• Best online therapy for mental and physical health: Amwell.
• Best for online psychiatry: MDLive.

Other resources that can help you find resources in your area:

• SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, available 24 hours, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, available free, confidential, available 24 hours, 365-day-a-year. Languages: English, Spanish. 800-273-8255.
• Your county health department's web page. 

If you are suffering from depression, here's my advice, based on being a chronic sufferer:

• Whether you believe it or not right now, your life really can get better. Not just tolerable, but BETTER. It may not ever be as good as it was at the best point of your life, it may never be the same, but absolutely, it can get to the point where you want to live, where you have things to enjoy. Please dig as deep as you can and have faith in this possibility, even just for today (but, of course, knowing that it probably isn't going to get better today, specifically). This is absolutely a critically important point.  
• The fact that you are depressed does not say to me that you are weak. I have trouble trusting anyone that does not admit to having at least one dark time in their life or that claims it's easy and just a matter of having a good attitude and eating some magical non-GMO free-range whatever food in order to never be depressed. 
• You are stronger than you think you are. You have strength you don't believe you have. You have strength I don't have.  
• There are no quick fixes for your situation. This is a marathon, and that sucks eggs, but that's how it is. Here's the good news: you don't have to run. You don't have to hurry. You can rest as much as you want to along the way. But if you can try, every day, you will, eventually, get to a better place. 
• Walk every day. Every damn day. Even if it's just around one block. Even if it's just to the end of your street and back. Walk EVERY DAY. It will probably take two months for you to start getting any benefits from this, but you will start thinking at least a bit more clearly and calmly. 
• Take a shower or bath at least once a week. 
• Each day, listen to music at least as much if not more than you watch TV or on a computer or your phone trolling through the Internet. 
• Find a place in your house, even if it's a closet, where you can sit for five minutes, without any radio playing in the room, without a TV playing in that room, without any other person in that room. Sit with your eyes closed and breathe. Try to think only about the sound and feeling of your breath. Try to do it for at least five minutes - if you need to set a timer to know when 5 minutes is up, put that timer outside your space, so that you hear only the alarm, not the "tick tick" or not any messages or other notifications on your phone. It will probably take two months for you to start getting any benefits from this, but you will start thinking at least a bit more clearly and calmly. 
• If a benign activity sounds even halfway interesting, or you can at least get up enough energy to do it, please do it: getting a massage, getting a manicure or pedicure, getting your hair cut, going to a movie, cooking a lasagne, tinkering on a long-neglected piano, dancing in your living room, doing a jigsaw puzzle, whatever. 
• Go to bed and get up at the same times day after day. And no interactive electronics in the bedroom - no computer, no smart phone. Something that plays music or an alarm clock is allowed. If you are getting just four hours of sleep a night, then pick when those four hours will be - midnight to four a.m.? 
• Consider giving up all alcohol and cannabis for at least two months. There is a growing body of evidence pointing to the co-occurrence of cannabis use and depression. Observational and epidemiological studies have not indicated a positive long-term effect of cannabis use on the course and outcome of depression. More scientific information about why you should avoid cannabis when you are depressed. You need to be thinking clearly as you work to heal. 
• If you believe in a god, go to a church, mosque or temple that aligns with your beliefs. Sit near the back in case you want to leave early. 
• Trust every point that's been named here, altogether, as a process that will, eventually, work. Not in a day, not in a week, and maybe not even a month. But, eventually, it will start working to make things better. 
• Call those aforementioned numbers any time you are ready to give up. 
• If you have healthcare coverage and can make an appointment with your doctor, do so, and tell that doctor exactly what you are experiencing. There may be a medical treatment that doctor can recommend. 

And in addition:

• Do everything you can to find affordable therapy. That may mean cutting back on your streaming service subscriptions, eliminating all charitable giving, not buying any gifts for Christmas, having a garage sale, or asking a family member for financial help. 
• If you have children, I can assure you that if you were to commit suicide - and yes, I use that phrase, commit suicide - you will scar their mind, heart and soul for life. Forever. If fact, you increase the likelihood they will choose this for themselves, even decades later. 
• If you have family or friends, you will scar their mind, heart and soul for life if you commit suicide. My only hesitation in saying that is maybe you are so bitter that that's what you want, but I hope not. 

I wish I could say this blog was inspired just by general things I'm reading online. Or even just one person in my life that I'm trying to help. But it's so many people I know, so so many... 

50 years ago, I started on a life-changing path

I realized recently that, exactly 50 years ago, I was in kindergarten. It was at a time when kindergarten was a radical idea in most of the USA - most kids were NOT in kindergarten, because there weren't that many and it wasn't required. I also attended preschool there. And for that, my mother got some pushback from her in-laws, my paternal grandparents, who felt strongly that she should stay at home with her children all day. And this radical idea of pre school and kindergarten was embraced by a Baptist church in my hometown in Kentucky. Yes, a Baptist church, one that my family didn't even attend. I miss those days when Baptist churches were radical in the right ways...

I loved kindergarten. My teacher was "Miss Pat." We sang, we had naps, we had snacks and we learned our letters via the Letter People (Mister T had Tall Teech, Mister M had a munching mouth, Miss A was sneezing "Achoo", etc. I remember one class where we each got to be a country. I wanted desperately to be Mexico, but wasn't - and I don't remember what I ended up being. 

This experience, plus Sesame Street, plus my grandmother reading to me regularly, is where why my vocabulary grew so much. It's where I learned to ask fully developed questions and to be able to explain more, being able to talk about my cat or a movie I saw or something I wanted to be someday. I was a sponge, and at last, I was getting to drink in knowledge - something I was oh-so-thirsty for. I liked being on my own, learning to manage my own things, my own "work space." And I loved playing with other kids - the kids in kindergarten were so much nicer to me than the kids in my neighborhood. They didn't bully. We all just seemed to want to have fun, and we wanted everyone else to have fun too. 

I remember only three students though: Demetrius, my mother's favorite, who I met again in junior high as DD, the most popular guy in school; a young girl with red hair who didn't seem to understand the concept of ownership and thought everything was hers for the taking; and a guy whose name I never forgot, I don't know why, but in his 30s, he was involved in either the murder of a woman of the disposal of her body, and killed himself as police were closing in. 

I remember the Fall of that year, when I started first grade, and watching some of the kids who had not gone to kindergarten: they were screaming, wrapped around their mother's ankles, begging to be taken away. They struggled in the classroom. In each grade, every time I would watch them talk back to a teacher, try to cheat on a test, or struggle with reading aloud, I'd wonder if it was because they didn't go to kindergarten.  

I'm so grateful that my usually very conservative mother put me in pre school and kindergarten. It should be an experience every child has. 

Ongoing recovery from creeps

In August 1989, I was the target of profound creepiness as I walked to work. I don't want to say more, but the incident was creepy, it was violating, and it was emotionally scarring. He never touched me - never even got out of his car. But every woman - every woman - knows that creeps don't have to get anywhere near them in order to make a woman feel like she has no safe space. It's what creeps do. 

I walked quickly the two blocks to work, angry and disgusted and wanting to get away quickly but, you know, not make too much of a fuss. I told the receptionist, a dear friend, what had happened and said, "But since he didn't get anywhere near me, and didn't threaten me, I don't even know if I should call the police." 

She picked up the phone and called the police as I ended my sentence - there would be no discussion about whether I should or shouldn't. I'm grateful for her decisiveness. 

I gave my report over the phone, and then went into the bathroom. I was starting to feel sick. And discombobulated. And frightened. And filthy, like I was covered in muck. A few minutes later, my friend came in. And slowly, other women started trickling in. Word was spreading what had happened. And 10 minutes later, we were all sitting in a circle on the bathroom floor, and they were each sharing all the times a stranger had been creepy. They all had stories - while jogging, while at the public library, while at a bar, while at a swimming pool, and on and on. And I realized they were all still affected by whatever the incident - or incidents - had been. It made me feel profoundly better to know that these women, all incredibly strong willed, all with the ability to be even more pushy than me, had all been the target of a man trying to reduce them, trying to humiliate them, delighting in hurting them. 

They were all adamant that I had done the right thing in calling the police, and that my feelings, all of them, were absolutely valid. I will love them all to my dying day for their understanding and compassion. 

All of this came back today, more than 30 years later, when a neighbor experienced quite an aggressive creep as she left a volunteering gig. Sadly, the police who saw the man make a sudden, illegal turn literally threw up her hands, looked amused and drove away - yes, my friend saw the police officer do this. Also sadly, no one witnessed the man being aggressive with his car, or heard him say what he said - so there's nothing they can do. As she said, the police seemed like they had other things they'd prefer to be doing, and didn't seem too worried about the inaction of their sister officer. Which is typical of the police of the town where I live in Oregon. 

I've done what I can to help my friend emotionally and will continue to, always. I wish she could come back with me, in time, to that magic circle of women, and have her moment of comfort and care and affirmation from those wonderful people. 

A last note about my own situation: four days later, the man who targeted me was waiting for me again in his car as I walked to work. I hurriedly ran to the guard booth of a parking garage and began screaming "Call the police, call the police!" The police came and weren't as friendly as they had been on the phone - after all, the guy hadn't touched me, I hadn't even looked into the car this time as I passed, I'd just RUN. They asked me at least three times why was I so upset.

A day later, the creep who targeted me murdered a bank vice president. He abducted her a short distance from where he'd targeted me. He attempted to rape her after abducting her, she ran, and he shot her at point-blank range. 

Listen to women. Hear us. And take our fear seriously. 

For Six Months, Let's Force Civilization on Facebook

We could all shake up Facebook - and maybe even derail it entirely - by quitting it. And Facebook needs a shakeup - a drastic shakeup. Facebook created algorithms that have amplified hate and misinformation. People are seeing an onslaught of misinformation about vaccines, about COVID-19, about nutrition, about elections and more BY DESIGN. 

But many of us stay in contact with friends and family through Facebook. We know about people moving, changing jobs, births, deaths and more because we follow our friends on Facebook. That's essential info. And until a better social media platform comes along, we're just not going to switch back to email. 

So I want to challenge you to commit, for six months, to making Facebook a better place. It doesn't mean not posting opinions or debating. Not at all. It means making this commitment:

For the next six months, I will work to increase the amount of positive and/or real, first-person content on Facebook, in order to disempower the negative elements on the platform. I will not be less politically active or avoid posts about things I am angry about, but I will counter that with content that’s uplifting to both myself and my friends and colleagues. For the next six months, I will help make the platform of value to ME, personally, regardless of what its owners and “sponsored content” might do.

For the next six months, I will post:

• photos of myself having a nice time, whether that’s in a beautiful exotic place or my backyard.
• photos I took myself of sunrises, sunsets, and skies and weather I find interesting or beautiful.
• recipes I have actually tried and liked, and I will comment about when I tried them and why I liked them.
• dates and information for events happening in my community I want others to know about, from a high school band concert to a farmer’s market to a yard sale.
• funny or insightful things my family or neighbors have said (not memes).
• photos of my own pets, or photos I have taken of other people’s pets.
• anything I’m proud of in my life, whether it’s learning to play something on a piano or not forgetting to put the trash out.
• about a class I’m taking.
• about a book I’m reading.
• about a TV show I’m watching.
• about a movie I enjoy.
• about an album I’m enjoying.
• about a memory that has made me smile (not a meme).
• dates to help people in my community be more civilly engaged: deadline for registering to vote, how to find out if you are registered to vote, date of upcoming school board meeting, date of upcoming city.
• council meeting, date of a candidates’ forum/debate.
• photos from around my neighborhood.
• anything that celebrates one of my own family members or neighbors or friends.
• news about my new home, my new job, my new project, whatever.
• questions I think my friends can help answer.
• anything I’m grateful for.
• how much I’m looking forward to any sporting event, movie, vacation, whatever.
• my broken TV, my plate that I just broke on the floor, a flat tire, whatever, with a comment about how I’m dealing with it, or how annoying it is.
• a photo of my new shoes.
• a photo of the old, worn hiking boots I’m throwing out and a comment about all the places they’ve been.
• the ridiculously long line you are dealing with in the course of your day.
• apologies for anything I posted that turned out not to be true.

That will make Facebook a place where regular humans are creating most of the content that we see - not algorithms, not AIs, not some big marketing firm. 

I am also going to keep posting those things which some brand as "negative." Those are part of who I am. Those are part of meaningful social discourse.  I will post the following "negative" things if I want to, however, I will post much more of the aforementioned group of topics than this:

• memes that make me laugh or think.
• memes that make me laugh or think.
• my own political opinions.
• special offers from businesses I support (free drink with the purchase of a hamburger!).
• things I’m angry about.
• things I’m sad about.
• things I am scared about.
• things I think are dangerous.
• things I don’t like.
• jokes.
• sarcastic observations.
• criticisms.  

I will NEVER post:

• something I claim is mine but is actually the work of someone else.
• unverified news. 
• unverified quotes.
• something that gives me a strong emotional response as I read it UNLESS I have made absolutely sure it's true and, after doing so, I believe it's something people need to read too. 
• results from any online quiz that isn’t a quiz by a verified news organization, a nonprofit organization, a research institute, etc. (“Here’s what color my name represents…”
• answers to questions on pages that are not my friends that ask questions like, “What food do you hate at Thanksgiving every year” or “What was the name of your childhood sweetheart.”

Ready to make the commitment?