When did it become the fashion to belittle people trying to be kind?

At the visitation and funeral of my father, a LOT of people came to speak with my family and even to me, specifically. In trying to be helpful or comforting, some of these people said some really insensitive things to me, or things I found ridiculous. But instead of getting mad or frustrated, I thanked everyone who spoke to me. I appreciated each person for being there and speaking to me, even the relative that tried to convert me to her religion. 

Months later, I had someone say to me "I didn't get in touch because I didn't know what to say." And then he shrugged and never mentioned it again. THAT hurt me far more than anyone who stopped by the funeral home to say something regarding the death of my father and ended up saying something cringe-worthy. 

For someone to spend time with you is a gift. When someone is trying to be kind, I appreciate it, even if whatever they say really isn't that helpful or may not be completely appropriate. If I think someone is coming from a place of sincerity and care, I'm not going to fault them for saying something that misses the mark. Yes, I might explain to them why something they are saying isn't true or helpful, or even hurtful, but the last thing I want to do is turn away an ally. I need all the allies I can get. 

I say this because there is suddenly an onslaught of articles and tweets and memes and commercials ridiculing people for, in their efforts to be an ally or to be supportive, saying the "wrong" thing. Some of this messaging even mocks people for asking questions to try to understand something or their efforts to comfort a friend, like that dreadful Better Help TV commercial.

Every day, I'm on a journey, as are you, and on that journey, I learn things, like that this word I've used all my life is now inappropriate. Or that question is something that can be hurtful to this particular group of people. Or that this custom has different meanings for different people. I've very much appreciate people who try to educate me. I have not at all appreciated people who've mocked me, especially in a moment of earnest effort to do or say the right thing. 

This is not a time to say things that shut people down from talking or sharing or trying to connect to others. This is not a time to tell people not to talk to each other because they might say the wrong thing. This is a time of incredible divisiveness and misinformation and rising hate that is driving us farther and farther apart, compounded by a deadly pandemic where we literally had to stay apart in order to survive. If we stop talking out of fear of saying the wrong thing, out of fear of being derided, we're going to be even more divided. 

Instead of rolling your eyes at a comment from a friend or colleague or neighbor who is genuinely trying to help you, to be there for you, and just said something you think isn't really helpful, try to be as kind as they are trying to be. Unless that person is trying to make you feel stupid - and those people are out there, certainly - don't try to make them feel stupid because you don't like their sincere effort to offer advice or comfort. Absolutely, if they say something that is hurtful, talk to them about it. And if the comment warrants anger, then get angry, and say why. But remember that there is something that same person you are annoyed with is going through that YOU wouldn't understand and that if you tried to talk about it, YOU might make some inappropriate comments. 

How to tell when someone is being sincere in an effort to be kind versus when someone is trolling you, or being obtuse, or being passive aggressive? THAT I cannot always tell. 

What I want from your YouTube travel channel or travel blog

There are lots of blogs out there telling people how to create a travel blog everyone will read, or how to create a YouTube channel regarding travel that everyone will watch, written by people who have travel blogs or YouTube channels. 

How about some advice NOT from someone who has such a channel, but from someone who watches such channels and reads travelogues? What makes me check out a channel? What makes me read a blog about a trip? What keeps me coming back? What will keep me in your audience?

First, A Thank You

Thanks for sharing your travels on a written blog or on YouTube. That's really nice and, in some cases, brave, of you to do. If you enjoy doing it, keep doing it. If you like how you are doing it and have no interest in changing, stop now and don't read anymore. 

If you want more readers and viewers, I think my perspective, as a reader and viewer, are good ones, so read on. But I won't be hurt at all if you read this and think, nope, she's not my audience.

Why I check out a channel or read a travel blog:

Usually, it's because of a recommendation from someone, either a friend on social media or an online community. 

Sometimes, it's something that YouTube recommended because of something else I watched - but, wow, that algorithm isn't very good. 

So, make sure your friends are sharing when they watch your channel or read your blog on Twitter, Facebook, an online community, etc. That's as important as making sure you are using text in the description of your channel and each video so that the people that you want to read it can find it, based on the keywords they use in a search. 

How I find a travel blog is usually because I find it while I'm searching for advice online and I come across it, because it names the places I want to go, it talks about camping or motorcycle riding, it's clear that it's by a woman, etc., and after reading a few paragraphs, I realize it's really good and I keep reading. 

So, make sure you are using text in the body of your travelogue so that the people that you want to read it can find it, based on the keywords they use in a search. 

Why I keep reading a travel blog:

Because it's interesting. It's well-written prose. I like long reads. I don't need to know every minute of the day and how a traveler spent it, but I do want to feel like I'm experiencing something right along with you. 

Two of my favorite travel books will give you an idea of what I like to read in travel blogs: Long Way 'Round and Travels With Charley. 

Here are my own travel essays, by the way. Many people hace said they are too long. I don't care. I write them mostly for myself and the two devoted fans who write me every time I publish one, to gush about how much they loved it. Publishing my blogs is how I figured out how little my family cared about my travels - buried in one of them was how I had a bad wreck on my motorcycle, complete with photos, and they never commented about it.  But my two devoted fans were frantic with worry. 

Why I keep watching a travel-focused YouTube channel:

• Your videos feel like you are doing the trip you would do even if you weren't filming it, even if you didn't have a YouTube channel. If YOU find what you are doing interesting and compelling and worth doing, if you are doing what you are doing because it's what YOU really want to do, and you are able to show me why you are doing this trip, visiting this place, taking this road, etc., that's most important to me, the viewer, and that's why I'll keep watching. I want authenticity. I'll go along with you on that trip, virtually speaking, to a place I might not be particularly interested in if YOU really want to go there, and you make it clear why in your video through what you show. This is the most important reason in all of this list.  
   
• You show beautiful vistas: landscapes, viewpoints, historic buildings, etc. I want to say "oh, that's pretty" or "interesting" at least sometimes. Show me WHY you are in that place. Even if it's just pulling over for a few seconds and saying, "How's THAT for a view?!" If YOU think it's pretty or interesting, film it and share it. 
   
• You sometimes show what you are passing: fields, villages, slums, cities, cars, whatever. I want to get a sense of what life is like where you are. And I don't want perfection - I want reality. Even if you show just 15 seconds and say, "Here I am in blah blah blah and it's not worth filming anymore so I'm not," that's fine. 
   
• If you are on a motorcycle, you show the road. A lot. I want to know if it's possible for me to ride there. Just turn on your helmet cam and ride. As long as it's not endless paved straight highway, I'm going to watch that. 
   
• When you are showing a lot of landscapes and vistas and passing scenery and the road, you throw in some music or voiceover in the edit if the sound of the motorcycle is going to get boring, if you have the tech to do so. The only time I haven't needed this is when I was watching someone doing a motorcycle rally - then I really liked hearing the engine. Just please don't talk ALL the time over scenery video. 

Those are the most important bullet points. The rest are things I really like, but not necessarily make or break. 

• You tell me where you are. Names of cities and villages. You show me on a map. Maybe I want to go there someday. You don't have to name every place, but give me an idea. 
      
• You film the sign of hotels and campsites where you stay and like. Please? Just a three-second flash of it is fine. Unless they don't want you to, of course. Again: I might want to go there myself. 
      
• You briefly film the room you stay in. "Here's my room! Goodnight! See you tomorrow!" Film your campsite and maybe a bit around the campground. Seriously, it's wonderful to just get a sense of where you are, even for a few seconds. It makes me feel like I'm setting down for the night too. 
      
• You show your challenges. I want to see what you do when you drop your motorcycle, when you get a flat on your bicycle, when you get turned away at a border, when you get lost, how you get a sim card when you don't speak the language, etc. Don't have to be a long, detailed story, but the info is really helpful to other travelers. 
   
• You talk about the challenges you can't show on camera: the argument at passport control. The guesthouse that turned you away. The guy that harassed you. About getting robbed. About police officers. About losing your passport. I particularly want to hear how you handled it, because I'm going to handle that too at some point. 
   
• You show me what you are eating! Whether you cook it yourself or you are in a restaurant, I really like to see what travelers are eating. That could be some delicious, beautiful local dish or could be "All I could find is this can of Sprite and this can of potato chips..." 
   
• I like an entire episode devote to what gear you are using: your tent, your sleeping bag, your stove, your camera, your battery packs, your helmet, your train gear, your riding hear, your boots, and anything else you want to share with me. I like that episode when you are well into your trip, not right at the beginning, because I want to hear how you like it - or don't. Not everyone will love such an episode, but there's no reason not to do one.  
   
• You are respectful of where you are. Please travel with respect. Please don't ride your motorcycle offroad when you clearly are not supposed to. Don't carve your name into a tree. Don't say something racist about local people. Don't film in a religious or historic site when you are told NOT to film. Wear a mask if you see others doing so. Traveling with respect is really important to me, and when I see a travel blogger not doing that, I turn them off. And, again, maybe you don't want me as a viewer, and that's fine with you. 
   
• You share sometimes who you are meeting on the road. You don't have to introduce me to every traveler you encounter, every kid on the street, every restaurant owner, ever guest house host, but I do like it when you show other people sometimes. I like seeing how travelers navigate checkin somewhere, or how they try to order food. I like seeing people being kind to travelers. 
   
• I don't at all mind the mentioning of personal problems or complaints - if you have ever read Long Way 'Round, not just watched the videos, you see that a lot of conflicts among the team are documented, complaints about each other, and it's a reality of group travel that too many folks gloss over and is almost completely left out of the videos (except at the beginning). Or if you read Elspeth Beard's Lone Rider, you read a lot about personal things she's going through - and it's WAY too much in the first 100 pages, as I note in my review, but once you get past that, it's a really perfect balance of road trip and personal journey story (and I so highly recommend you read it). And there's one person I love to watch on YouTube, but she NEVER mentions personal problems - to the point that it makes it sound like she has no family or friends anywhere, that she never has an ache or a pain, that everything works out, and that's just unrealistic.  
   
• A mention of how you are feeling is fine. And in a six-month or year-long journey, I don't at all mind an entire "I'm not sure I can go on" video, with tears and doubts and everything - it's real. It's most definitely part of a journey. But if you are going to make MOST of your videos here's how I feel, if you are going to talk over the scenes of landscapes and fields and forests and the road about all your complaints and doubts, over and over, you are going to lose me as a viewer. And maybe that's okay - maybe you don't want me as a viewer. 
   
• You just talking to the camera is fine in LIMITED QUANTITIES. There are people that don't do it enough - like all the Charlie and Ewan shows. And then there are people who do it WAY too much. I like it when a presenter explains something that wasn't clear earlier in the video - like why did the camera suddenly cut off when you were nearing the gas station? Or why are you now in Germany when you just showed yourself in Norway, headed to Sweden? Or explaining that your plans are changing and how, in the next video, we are NOT going to be seeing such and such waterfalls because you aren't going there after all and why. But unless it's a really compelling story, like how you almost got arrested or that the borders are closed because of a civil war or global pandemic and you are stuck in one place until further notice, keep it short. 
   
• Be kind to street animals or I will come after you like the raging banshee I can be. 
   
• Go back and read bullet #1. It really is the most important.  

Ideal length for a travel video episode for me? No longer than 20 minutes. Any longer than that should be broken up into two shorter videos. 

What about your personality? Honestly, I really don't care. My favorite travel vlogger is bubbling and bright and has a delightful and bouncy personality. My other two favorite travel vloggers speak in almost monotone, don't say much and are even hard to understand sometimes. But when it comes to my favorite travel vloggers, they do all of those first bullet points and many of the ones that follow. 

Those are the reasons I will keep watching your travel video or reading your travel blog. And if you don't want me as a subscriber, that's FINE. You absolutely cannot please everyone all the time. 

Glory to Ukraine

If you knew me in 2014, then you know that I got to work in Ukraine for two months and I loved it beyond words.

The country had just experienced Euromaidan - the Maidan uprising - when citizens across the country began passionately, loudly protesting the Russian-supported Ukrainian government's sudden decision not to sign the European Union–Ukraine Association Agreement, instead choosing closer ties to Russia and the Eurasian Economic Union. I was there when the uprising was over but before all of the protester, encampments had been removed from Independence Square (Maidan).

Kyiv quickly became one of my favorite big cities on Earth. I loved it. I was proud to be a part of the international effort to help the Ukrainian government do better for its people - but I was thrilled to be living in such a vibrant, beautiful city full of so many vibrant, beautiful people.

August through much of October of last year has been full of tears watching another country where I worked - Afghanistan - come under the subjugation of the Taliban. My trauma was, of course, nothing compared to the people, particularly the women, I worked with there, who are all left behind. It's made me wonder if everything I did was for nothing, because everything I did there - EVERYTHING - is gone. I feel like I lied to every Afghan woman that I supported in her dreams. I feel like I'm a big liar and I've harmed people instead of helped them. 

And now, Ukraine. My trauma is, of course, NOTHING compared to the Ukrainian people. It's nothing compared to the dogs and cats and animals trapped at the Kyiv Zoo - don't even get me started on the elephant there. But, again, everything I did... what was it for? 

And I'm angry. I'm angry at the men that have caused this. I'm angry at obscenely wealthy people like Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos who could help thousands and thousands and thousands of refugees from both Ukraine and Afghanistan and everywhere else with housing. I'm angry that people so outraged about Ukraine have been silent regarding Afghanistan or Yemen or Syria or Chechnia or Cameroon or Congo or Central America... or have said that what's happening in Ukraine matters because they are "civilized." 

But do you even care?

Here are some ways you can help Ukraine, by the way (by donating money - please don't gather diapers or whatever to ship to Poland, I beg you):

CARE International Ukraine. 

UNICEF Ukraine.

The Bank of Ukraine accounts for humanitarian aid and for the military (separate funds). 

The national chapters of the International Red Cross in Poland, Romania, Moldova, Slovakia and Hungary also accept donations to support Ukrainian refugees in their countries. 

And if you are in Europe, it's likely that there is a local NGO that is helping Ukrainian refugees right in your own community, or very nearby. 

But please don't forget about Afghanistan. CARE and UNICEF are great organizations to support for Afghanistan as well. And there are Afghan refugees all over the world. Even in Owensboro, Kentucky, near my hometown. And throughout where I live in Oregon. Any Google search will help you find organizations in or near your community that help refugees. If you can't help Ukrainian refugees directly, please channel that energy into helping refugees from ANYWHERE that are in your community. Refugees need financial help, mostly with rent. But they also need volunteers who can help them:

• Move (refugees have to move a LOT).
• Navigate mass transit.
• Know what offices to go to for ID cards and the government benefits they qualify for. 
• Know how parents can be involved in local schools. 
• What a public library is and what it does and what services it provides (free Internet, classes, events for children, etc.).
• With computers, smart phones, cell phone plans, etc.
• Know about free things they can do as a family (street markets, public concerts, etc.).

Please don't stop caring. And please don't just watch from the sidelines. 

An argument that Islam is feminist

Muslims for Progressive Values noted on its Facebook page in March: 

A majority of contemporary Muslim religious leaders are not 'contemporary' in their worldview and are regressive and misogynistic which are contrary to the actual roles Muslim women were and played, during Prophet Muhammad's time. 

Then they added some points to complement a meme they shared (which I'm sharing after this):

• Hajra was Prophet Abraham's second wife.
• Maryam is Mary, mother of Jesus (yes, there is a whole chapter about her in the Quran),
• Khadijah was a very successful trader and financed the survival of the first converts (she couldn't be successful if she was going to follow the contemporary imam's preaching of "a women's place is at home" farcity),
• Aisha was Prophet Muhammad's wife after Khadijah passed away (she didn't stay home either),
• Umm Waraqa was the first female imam appointed by Prophet Muhammad.
• Zaynab's husband never converted because Muslim women CAN marry non-Muslim men.

If you are a Muslim and attend a local mosque, it is your responsibility to challenge your religious authorities on these points.

Here is the meme they were referring to:

It's an interesting argument, like those made for feminism and women's leadership in Christianity as well. I'm not sure how much of it I buy - I feel like you can find plenty of arguments in the writings regarding both Islam and Christianity that make entirely different arguments. But if you are going to stick with a religion, might as well arm yourself with the dogma that supports your position.