Right here, right now

I was lamenting last night to my husband how many of my friends are "stuck" in the past. They are deep in mourning the past - they still deeply miss high school (?!?!), they actively mourn friendships that long ago ended, romances that ended, careers that are no more. And they are so depressed and consumed by it, it can be hard to have a conversation. 

I got stuck for years fighting against the end of my career. It still burns. I still talk about it. But it's not the only thing I talk about or think about. It was for about two years solid. It's not now. 

I think ONLY looking back, pining for years for something that's over and loooooong gone, is unhealthy and keeps us from being happy. I'm not saying don't miss the past, but don't miss it more than you are here, right NOW. 

I had brought this up because I really hurt to see so many people I care about in pain. And I said that I have a friend who is always doing something - learning something new, going somewhere new, trying something new - and I think it keeps her happy. And she doesn't care what anyone thinks. And it's what I aspire to. Her life isn't perfect. She has ups and downs. But she also is still living life, still curious, still exploring. 

That was last night.

 
Today, during an IM exchange, that friend said: 

I’m going to learn Danish. My new thing. Had Danish guests last week. They’ve invited us over in June. I want to be able to order drinks, say my name, and tell people to F off. Basic survival banter.

Let's make 2023 the year we learn Danish well enough to order drinks in Copenhagen and tell people to F off. 

Merry Christmas! 

A year with a piano

In November 2021, I got a piano. That means, as I write this blog, I've had it for more than a year. 

I love it beyond words. 

I have always wanted a piano. As a child, if I went to someone's house and they had a piano, I couldn't keep my hands off of it. I couldn't understand friends that resented having to practice piano. People who played piano were magicians to me (they still are!), and I so wanted to be one of them. I loved watching people, including my Mom, walk up to a keyboard, open a hymnal and just start playing. 

When I was a young girl in the 1970s, my mom got an electric Kimball organ. I think it was called The Entertainer. I remember it as having two rows of keys and a lot of colorful buttons where you could make the keys sound like a flute or a banjo or a harp or a horn or whatever. It had several pre-programmed percussions as well. I think this YouTube Video is of the kind of organ we had. There were color stickers on some of the keys and I think each color was a chord. I thought my mother was amazing when she played it. I enjoyed fiddling with it - I remember playing "The Alley Cat" and "How Great Thou Art" out of a book that came with it: I could play with one finger striking the melody and one finger on one key for the chord and "beat" from the organ. 

My grandmother also had an organ, and I just remember her playing it just one time, and feeling like she was amazing also, just like anyone who could play a keyboard. 

But organs aren't pianos. Organs have such an artificial sound. Pianos sound so pure and simple. I wanted a piano!

I played guitar for a while as a teen. I wasn't very good and too shy to play for anyone publicly, even my family. I also hated how my Dad would start almost demanding I play for him when he was drunk (I never did, BTW). I have started and stopped playing guitar a few times over the years. I'm currently trying again to play. Still not very good. 

But over the years, I still have really wanted a piano. 

Not quite two years ago, it dawned on me that I'm an adult and that if I want a piano, I could get a piano. I live in a one-story house. And we own the house. Getting a piano is not some impossible dream anymore. I forget sometimes that I'm an adult and can do things I want to do. Seriously. I forget sometimes that I am in my 50s and could actually try to have something or do something I've always wanted. I guess we just get so used to telling ourselves over many years that we're too young or too poor or too busy for something that we get used to feeling like we can't have something we want. We also let someone rolling their eyes at us, or outright saying, "That's a really stupid idea," stop us from doing things we really want to do.

The only challenge to realizing this dream was where to put the piano if I got one. I studied our house for months thinking about it. I walked around and sat at different places in the house, over and over, picturing it. Finally, I decided where it could go, and so, in August or so of 2021, I told Stefan, "I keep seeing people online giving away free pianos. I really want a piano. I'd have to pay to get it moved, but otherwise, it would be free. I'd like to take the next one I see." It's not so much I needed his permission, but it would alter the makeup of one of our rooms, and he'd have to listen to me, so I thought it only fair to include my husband in the decision-making. 

It was, like, two weeks later, that a friend said on Facebook that she had a friend getting rid of a piano that she really wanted, but it meant letting go of the piano she, my friend, already had, and did anyone want it? She posted photos, and I jumped on it. I booked Michelle's Piano in Portland as my movers (committed the big politically incorrect act of asking the guy on the phone where he was from, per his very thick accent. He said Egypt and was then thrilled that I'd been there and one of my favorite words is Yalla and we probably talked 10 more minutes than we needed to. But I digress...). Paid just $250 for the movers to go all the way to Canby and bring me my piano from 40 miles away. 

I had imagined I would get a small upright piano, no taller than a couch. But this piano is tall - more than 4 feet tall. It is a Farrand Piano, made in Holland, Michigan. If the piano tuner read the date right, it was made in 1922. So it's 100 years old! Its serial number is 31420. It has a beautiful, rich tone. The middle D key sometimes doesn't play if it's struck too softly. It probably needs some replacements inside. But I had it professionally tuned (thanks, Reverand Dan!). The piano donor passed on some beginner piano books, and another friend sent me the book Piano for Dummies. I also had a book of Beatles songs from my earlier of guitar-playing days that had a wonderful chord chart in the back, and then ordered this really cool book a friend recommended, 101 Timeless Songs Song Leader Book, (again, thanks, Reverand Dan!) that said it has really well-known songs that are simplified for playing on piano or guitar. It was altogether enough to get started teaching myself to play piano. And I started teaching myself almost immediately. 

The first song I played from beginning to end, with chords, was Silent Night, out of the 101 Timeless Songs Song Leader Book. It was Christmas Eve, and Stefan had gone to Germany to spend his first Christmas with his parents since he moved to the USA in 2009. It took forever to get through the song, taking several seconds to find all the keys for each chord with my left hand, then fumbling through the melody with one finger on my right hand. But I thought it was so beautiful, I cried. 

I practised at least 30 minutes a day, five days a week, usually Sunday through Thursday nights - though often, I would realize I'd been sitting at the piano for an hour. By February, I could play Amazing Grace out of 101 Timeless Songs Song Leader Book relatively well and thought, you know, I should record this so my Mom can hear it. And maybe if I practice enough, I could have a piece ready to record every month. If I did that for a year, it would be a great way to push me to learn. 

So, I recorded myself playing Amazing Grace and posted it to YouTube and made the commitment to learn a piece to record every month for 12 months. 

As of next month, I will have met that goal. In fact, I've more than met that goal: some months, I recorded two, even three songs. You can see my YouTube channel music playlist here (not just piano playing though).  

I admit it: I'm proud of myself. It's an amazing feeling to read a piece of music! It's amazing to start off with a piece and think, geesh, I'll never learn this, and then slowly, day after day, start to hear it get better and better. It's wonderful to play a chord for the first time and being startled at how beautiful it sounds. It's delightful when my fingers memorize something before I feel like my brain has. I have laughed out loud and cried sitting at that piano and playing just for myself. It's been so delightful to learn something new, and it's made me remember how much I loved being in high school choir once upon a time. 

I'm sure it seems so silly to so many, me trying to learn to play piano in my 50s. I'm sure people have walked by my house and heard the broken pieces and wrong notes and barely-recognizable pieces and though, damn, that sounds horrible, how in the world does her husband put up with it? I'm sure there have been lots of eye-rolling. My answer: to hell with them. 

I've really struggled, especially since early 2017, with feeling joy. When my contract work dried up thanks to a certain fascist that assumed the Presidency who didn't fill open government positions and refused to submit budgets for any increases for agencies that used to hire me (and for three years straight, tried to eliminate one agency altogether), as well as no one wanting to hire a woman in her 50s, no matter how accomplished she is, I floundered. Hugely. Most of you have no idea just how bad it has been. For years, gardening has no longer felt Zen. Books no longer keep my attention the way they used to. For a few years, nothing on TV was interesting. Only riding my motorcycle or going on a trip gave me any kind of joy. Well, that and losing 55 pounds - that was AMAZING. I felt SO good. I love photos of me from that time. Thanks to COVID and periomenopaus, I gained every ounce back - and more - and that sent me further down this mental spiral.

Playing piano - and also guitar - has given me a daily respite, a daily sanctuary, from thinking about what hasn't worked out, how my career is ending, how I failed to get anyone out of Afghanistan, how so much of my work is completely looked over, and all my many fears. 

I'm going to keep riding my motorcycle. I'm going to keep traveling. I'm going to get back to gardening. And I did find some TV shows that kept my attention (Ted Lasso, Miss Marvel, She-Hulk, Andor). But I need a little something every day. Playing piano, playing guitar, taking language lessons on Duolingo - they are little, simple things that help me get through the day. And I didn't realize how much I was really needing little, simple things. 

Do that little, simple thing you want to do. Don't let fears of anyone thinking it's silly keep you from doing it. Don't let any innervoice telling you "That's a waste of money, you are too old, it's not like you can ever become professional doing that, etc." dissuade you from doing it. You don't even have to tell anyone - just go start taking tap dancing classes or learning Chinese or saving up for that trip to Paris or reading Shakespeare aloud in your home when no one is around. It's YOURS. It's your life. Do it. 

a gift 50 years ago paid off for me 16 years ago

On Aug. 12, 1972, a short-haired, clean-shaven Willie Nelson stepped onto the stage at the Armadillo World Headquarters in Austin for his first concert at that storied venue. It's considered the Big Bang of Austin, Texas being known as a music mecca. "The word on this groovy bohemian cowboy scene got out via dispatches in Rolling Stone from Chet Flippo, a grad student attending UT on the G.I. Bill," according to this article by Michael Corcoran from Texas Highways.

50 years ago. It's an anniversary that's worth celebrating to me, because remnants of that scene were still there when I first went to Austin in the summer of 1996, and after a day of drinking "Mexican Martinis" on a patio overlooking Town Lake (which is actually the Colorado River) and eating the best green bean casserole I'd ever had in my life (at Threadgill's North) and then seeing Don Walser at a bar on 6th street, I knew I'd found my spiritual home. 

Spurred by an ugly breakup and betrayal, I moved to Austin in October 1996, and for more than four years, I let the music of that amazing town heal my soul. 

I got to Austin a year too late to see Buck Owens stopping by a celebration of his birthday at the Continental Club in 1995, one of my favorite music venues ever, and I was frequently told about other shows I'd missed just a year or so before. But I did experience Ted Roddy's tribute to Elvis at that same venue. And went to three SXSW festivals before they became so crowded you couldn't show hop across town anymore. And heard so much fantastic live music EVERY week, sometimes every day. I have my own stories about brushes with famous people and legendary nights.  

I heard people lament the way it USED to be, but when I lived there, I could always find a concert to go to if I wanted to any night of the week - and by concert, I mean someone I liked to listen to playing in a bar for maybe just four other people. 

But I also knew the music scene was dying even while I lived there. I knew that music mecca wouldn't last forever, but I was astounded at how quickly it shrunk after I left in January 2001 to work abroad. Music venue after music venue got torn down. Funky bars and restaurants disappeared. Traffic became a nightmare. Tech hipsters replaced that wonderful mix of cowboys and hippies and former punk rockers, and their upscale apartments replaced oh-so-many dives. 

When I returned after 8 years abroad to get my things out of storage, Austin was unrecognizable and soulless. The vast majority of my friends I'd known there had moved elsewhere. I worked there briefly in 2017 and 2019, and each time, I hoped I would find some piece of what I used to love so much, one that wasn't doomed. I didn't. I went to the Broken Spoke one last time, for my birthday in 2019, and knew I'd probably never be there again. 

I know all things end. But I sure wish I could find an Austin-like place again, one where everyone seemed to be in a band after work, one where every dive restaurant had fantastic food, one where everyone felt welcomed at any club or venue, one where you always got chips and salsa before your meal.

But that said, I carry that Austin I knew in my heart and in my soul. And I'm so grateful for what started there 50 years ago - the music and memories still give me comfort and joy. 

When your family &/or friends think international travel is a waste

Travel is a privilege. International travel is a HUGE privilege. If you can travel, you are privileged: you have enough money to do it and you have enough education to navigate the challenges you will encounter. Plus, your passport can be a privilege: I have a passport that allows me to go into most of the countries on Earth with few challenges beyond money; my husband has one that allows him to go to even more. So many people have a passport that, even if they have the money to travel, other countries won't let them in.

But even people that have the privilege to travel often don't use it. And some of them, especially people in the USA, are appalled that you actively pursue traveling as a priority in your life. Nothing illustrates this more than the seemingly endless posts to the Peace Corps subreddit by people who get accepted to the Corps, announce it to family and friends, and are met immediately frustration, confusion and even anger.

Here's an example, which I've altered to exclude the country they are talking about, because it really doesn't matter:

This is something I’ve been looking forward to for years. I always thought about joining in highschool. I applied to the Peace Corps in 2020 after I got an undergrad degree. I just got an interview and a response. I’ve told my mom, boyfriend and a few friends so far and their responses have been like

"uhh aren’t there people trying to leave that country? That country is ugly, why would you go there? Why would you go to another country after your family has done a lot for you to be in the USA? Why can’t you just do that work in the US? You won’t be making any money? What's the point then?"

Welcome to being an international traveler and worker. Be prepared for these comments for the rest of your life. I get them all the time, family and from neighbors. But here's the good news: it is a kind of club you are joining when you travel abroad, with a diverse group of members who know there's a big world out there and they want to see some of it, experience some of it, and always have a little piece of it in their hearts and minds even when they are home. You meet other club members everywhere - small towns all over the USA even, not just big cities. They are fun to hang out with, CURIOUS, and are happy to know you. They make great neighbors.

Don't try to change anyone's mind about travel, especially international travel. Their mind is made up: they will never stop thinking that it's a waste, or inherently more dangerous than driving across town on a Friday night, or walking in a parking garage anywhere in the USA or being married. No amount of Instagram photos, magazine articles or statistics will ever change their mind, so don't bother. 

I no longer try to change the minds of the anti-travel folks. I just shrug and either keep talking about what a GREAT time I just have or move on to something else. 

And I keep adding to my folders with suggestions for things to see and do in other places - might be a place just an hour's drive away, might be around the world. 

And I keep meeting other club members. And oh the stories we tell... 

Our September 2022 motorcycle adventure

I hadn't been on an extended motorcycle trip since 2020, when we went to Baja, California, Mexico and the world got COVID. I had planned on going with Stefan to Colorado in 2021, but my dog was injured and I had to stay home (Lucinda the dog is fine now, BTW). 

And so, off we went, in September 2022, for 16 days visiting historic towns and eating biscuits and gravy and riding almost 3000 miles in Washington state, Idaho, Montana and Oregon. We stayed relatively close to home and decided to concentrate on historic, abandoned towns - ghost towns - most new to us, but at least one we've seen before, many years ago, and wanted to see again. 

We had really low expectations for the trip - and it turned into one of our very best.

The travelogue is here, with photos. Or, just go look at the photos. 

Highlights:

• This bed.
• Thirteen Mile Trailhead, because it also had campsites.
• Molson historic site in Washington state, right at the Canadian border.
• Ovando, Montana.
• Return to Garnet Ghost town in Montana.
• Return to Highway 12 / Lolo Pass in Idaho.
• Washington state road 129 and Oregon state road 3 from Clarkston, Washington to Enterprise (wow!).
• Crystal Crane Hot Springs (outside of Burns, Oregon).
• Stefan saving someone's life (yes, really).
• Return to the Alvord desert.
• Rediscovering how wonderful US395 North of Burns is to ride!

Recipe: Pasta e Fagioli (Italian Pasta and Beans)

According to Dean Martin's daughter, Pasta e Fagioli (Italian Pasta and Beans) was his favorite dish. She talked about it on a documentary about him shown on TCM and mentioned some of the ingredients she uses, and it was shown being made. I thought it looked delicious so I decided to find a detailed recipe and compare it to what she mentioned and adapt it all and put something together and try it. 

Ya'll, this is so freakin' good and does NOT take a long time to prepare. And, like most things, it can be made the day before you serve it and refrigerated for the next day, because it's even better after it's sat for that long.  

The recipe below makes 10 hearty servings - you could easily stretch it out to 15 if you have something else to serve or a big dessert. So you might want to half everything here if you don't have that many mouths to feed. 

Leftovers can also be frozen and heated for later. 

We ate it with spoons, but it's not very soupy. 

And it's vegetarian!

Here's the recipe I used:

INGREDIENTS

• 4 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil (confession: I eye-balled it in the pot and I think I used more)
• 1 medium-to-large yellow onion, finely chopped (I used LARGE because of course I did)
• 2 carrots, finely chopped
• 2 ribs celery, finely chopped
• ¾ teaspoon fine sea salt
• 4 cloves garlic, pressed or minced (I used 6 and I chopped them)
• 1 can (15 ounces) crushed tomatoes
• 4 cups vegetable broth (I may have done 5)
• 4 cups water (though I used more - probably 6 total)
• 2 bay leaves (I used 6)
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano (I used Italian seasoning)
• 2 cans (15 ounces each) cannellini beans (Dean Martin's daughter uses 2 cans progresso cantalini beans), Great Northern beans, or chickpeas, rinsed and drained (or 3 cups cooked beans)
• 1 cup (about 4 ounces) Tortiglioni, according to Dean Martin's daughter - though other recipes say cavatelli, cantalini, ditalini, elbow or any small shell pasta will work
• 2 cups chopped Tuscan kale (recipe says tough ribs removed first). I just used whatever Kale was in the grocery. You can also use chard or collard greens
• ¼ cup finely chopped Italian parsley
• 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice (about ½ medium lemon)
• salt and ground pepper (fresh if possible) to taste
• optional: ¼ teaspoon red pepper flakes

Optional garnishes: Additional chopped parsley, black pepper, grated Parmesan cheese or light drizzle of olive oil

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS

In a large Dutch oven or soup pot over medium heat, warm 3 tablespoons of the olive oil until shimmering. Add the chopped onion, carrot, celery, garlic, ½ teaspoon of the salt, and about 10 twists of black pepper. Cook, stirring often, until the vegetables have softened and the onions are turning translucent, about 6 to 10 minutes.

Add the tomatoes, stir, and cook until the tomatoes are bubbling. Add the broth, water, bay leaves, oregano or Italian spices, and, if you have them and want them, the red pepper flakes.

Raise the heat to medium-high and bring the mixture to a simmer. Cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally and reducing the heat as necessary to maintain a gentle simmer.

Optional:

Use a heat-safe measuring cup to transfer about 1 ½ cups of the soup (avoiding the bay leaves) to a blender. Add about ¾ cup of the drained beans. Securely fasten the lid and blend until completely smooth, being careful to avoid hot steam escaping from the lid. Pour the blended mixture back into the soup. (Note - I didn't do any of this). 

Add the remaining beans, pasta, kale and parsley to the simmering soup. Continue cooking, stirring often to prevent the pasta from sticking to the bottom of the pot, for about 20 minutes, or until the pasta and greens are pleasantly tender.

Remove the pot from the heat, then remove and discard the bay leaves. Stir in the lemon juice, the remaining tablespoon of olive oil, and remaining ¼ teaspoon salt. 

Taste and season with more salt and pepper until the flavors are what you want. Garnish bowls of soup as desired, and serve.

Leftovers taste even better the next day. Allow leftover soup to cool to room temperature, then cover and refrigerate for up to 5 days. Or, freeze leftover soup in individual portions and defrost as necessary.

Never use culture to defend violence

I lost a friend a few months ago. She did something that I cannot abide. Ever. And when I called her out on it - and, yes, I did, because she said it publicly - she dumped my ass. 

She very publicly defended an act of violence, saying that it was justified because it is a part of a particular group's culture, and because I am not a part of that culture, I had no right to speak out about it. She's someone that considers herself deeply progressive and culturally mindful, so when she said it, I was flabbergasted. And she double downed on it when I called it a racist idea. Which it is. 

I've heard it from people on all parts of the political spectrum, from right to left: the idea that a murder, a punch, a slap, a public humiliation, is something we have to somehow tolerate and accept and not condemn because that's the culture of the person doing the murdering, the punching, the slapping, and since we're not from that culture, we have to be silent. That somehow, this person, because of his culture and, implied, because of his race, cannot be reasonable in that circumstance and I shouldn't expect him to. 

I've heard culture used to defend: 

• bombings
• mass shootings
• "honor killings" (the murder of women)
• female genital mutliation
• domestic violence
• abuse of children
• a physical altercation between two people or a group of people
• rape, including child "marriage" and forced "marriage"
• kidnapping
• hazing
• abuse of animals purely for people's entertainment, like dog fighting or bullfighting
• racism

I've heard, from people across the political spectrum:

• It's their way of resolving conflict/bonding. 
• That's a deeply ingrained part of their culture. 
• You have to understand that these people have their own ideas. 
• You have to respect that they have a different way of dealing with things.
• This is a traditional way of addressing certain issues by this particular group.

There are so many examples of this:

• Cultural differences no excuse for domestic violence, Candian judges rule
• Cultural Defense as a Shield for Violence
• Whoopi Goldberg defends Vick's dog-fighting role

I wouldn't tolerate that crap from anyone on the right - why in the world would I tolerate it on the left?

It's not easy to have this mindset when you work in international development. I went to a colleague, a gender specialist from a certain very conservative country in the Northern Hemisphere and I don't mean North America, and told her I was really struggling with hearing these kinds of comments from aid workers, domestic and foreign, in our duty station. She made it clear to me that she does not tolerate such comments herself - her respect for local culture ends when that culture engages in violence. Period. And she gave me tips on how to respond to comments about it when confronted with it. She also made it clear that, if you are committed to human rights, you have to be ready to say, "That's unacceptable" even to a group you are trying to help. 

If the translation of whatever you are saying can be boiled down to "Well, that's just how THOSE people are," I'm going to respond with something you are not going to like hearing from me. So, to avoid it, don't say it around me. Just don't. 

And for the record, the thought enters my mind sometimes when I am seeing something. It's taken a lot of work, and will take a lot of ongoing work, to undo that idea of those people. Every person on Earth is raised with it, and it is reinforced in a thousand different ways for all of us, through media, through society, through ourselves. My struggle continues in that regard. And there is NOT just one good way to be compassionate, to be mindful, to be caring and to act with care, nor to resolve conflict. Absolutely, there are cultural differences in how all of those things happen, and I hope there always are. But not when it comes to the acceptance of violence. 

The power of group singing

I bought a very expensive but totally worth it book called 101 Timeless Songs: a resource for easy song leading. I'm using it to learn to play piano, but it's designed for song leaders to use in, say, senior communities. If you are learning to play piano, or guitar, or ukelele, or you want a songbook you can use to lead singing in a group, this book is amazing. Simplified chords, chord charts for piano, guitar, and ukulele, and songs indexed by the number of chords, their key, and relevant themes. "This resource sprouted from the clinical practice of two board-certified music therapists with a combined 38 years of experience."

Order the book here. 

The very first song I learned to play on piano was out of this book. It was Amazing Grace. 

I also learned Simple Gifts. 

And Happy Birthday! 

It's not the only book I'm using, but it's the most fun. Here are all my imperfect recitals. 

My only regret is that I didn't start learning to play piano, and didn't have this book, when my grandmothers were still alive. 

Thankful.

I spent a week in Henderson, Kentucky. I'm so sorry I couldn't announce it openly - I was there just a week and I was focused on spending time with my mother and helping to clean out her house. That meant I just couldn't spend time with so many people I would have loved to see. 

If I didn't get to see you, I'm so sorry. It's nothing personal - I just really wanted to be focused on my Mom. 

I had a plan to write a blog as soon as I got back from Kentucky, but I got the 'Rona. I so hope I didn't give it to my Mom (so far, so good) nor to the few people I did spend time with in the evenings. COVID-19 for me has meant three days of constant, uncontrollable coughing and very little sleep, followed by four days of occasional, uncontrollable coughing and very little sleep. And I'm soooo tired, both from the virus and from lack of sleep. No fever, no body aches, no headache - for that, I'm oh-so-grateful. But I lost an entire day - I have no memory of an entire day. That's so weird. 

I've been convalescing in the guest room, leaving it, while wearing a mask, to go to the bathroom and maybe pour myself a cup of coffee. Stefan has been wonderful, bringing me food, hot tea and Nyquil. 

So, a week later, I can finally write the blog I wanted to write. 

It's been a hard time back in the USA, as all my closest friends know and readers of this blog know. I've tried for years to find something that gives me the fulfillment of working in my chosen career, and is as consuming, but it hasn't worked out. I have tried to remake myself over and over to get a job. Nothing has worked. I've got so much to offer, and I long to learn and grow in that specific way you do when you're working - but every day I'm trying to accept that those days are over. 

I'm so lucky to love my husband even more than the day I married him, to have a home with a dog that brings me so much comfort. I'm so lucky to have a stable life. I also am lucky to have found some things that, for brief moments here and there, give me the uplifting feeling equal to what a career gave me: learning piano, practicing guitar, hiking somewhere beautiful, learning Spanish and riding my motorcycle. 

Two things happened when I was in Kentucky that I really want to remember forever, and that's why I wanted to blog about them. One of them was sharing my job frustrations with my mother, and for her to be incredibly understanding. My mother and I aren't close - we're just very different people. But I so deeply admire my mother for her career and the respect she commanded because of her work. She was a legal secretary and she had so many jobs over her long career. She had to constantly remake herself to keep working, and she had her biggest success at the end of her career, in her last job. 

In her 40s, after oh-so-many jobs, she became a deputy sheriff, handling the vast amounts of legal paperwork that came through the sheriff's office and sometimes even explaining the law to other deputies. Her last job was as the assistant to the head of the entire county, and her boss used to say she was the person really running things. She could navigate red tape like nothing I've ever seen. She knew how to outmaneuver almost anyone trying to do something to make the county or her boss look bad. Because she had had so many different jobs, she knows all of the lawyers and elected officials in the county - and beyond - and she knows their motivations, good and bad. She rose to every occasion her jobs threw at her. And when she retired, it was on her own terms, on her own time, and she was lauded. 

I got to see my Mom in every job she ever had - I even got to help in the office sometimes - and I would listen to her on the phone and watch her talking with others, including people who were quite hostile, and she was diplomatic when she needed to be and firm and even forceful when she needed to be. And to have this professional icon of mine offer real understanding of what I'm facing meant the world to me. It was a validation I was so hungry for. It won't change my unemployment status, but it was a confirmation about my skills and expertise and feeling that I really, really needed. 

That was one of the things I wanted to write about. The other one is about a compliment a friend gave me, out of the blue. She told me she was proud of me for traveling by motorcycle, for not just learning piano at 56 but posting videos of myself online, challenging everyone else to try something too, and for trying to learn Spanish. I almost started to cry into my burrito. It was a completely unsolicited remark. And it means the world to me. Thank you, Carol. You're pretty damn wonderful yourself. 

I'm going to keep trying. I hope you will too. 

Join me on Duolingo (I've been on for a year!)

A day in early May was my first year anniversary trying to learn Spanish on Duolingo. I created my account many years ago, but quickly abandoned it. I'm not sure why, after all these years, I decided to try again. June 20 is supposed to mark the day I have done a lesson every day for a year (though I have often used my earned points to "buy" the weekend off). 

Spanish currently has an introductory set of lessons, followed by 10 more, each marked with a "checkpoint". It took me a year, starting from the very first lesson, to get halfway through checkpoint 4. In the early days, I would often do 10 lessons a day. Now, I do a minimum of three.

Duolingo has a free version - that's the one I use. It's not the greatest way to learn a language from scratch, but if you have taken a class, or classes, in a language in the past, it's a great way to keep your skills up. 

If you use this link to join Duolingo, I get two weeks' access to some special features I would usually have to pay for. If you do use that link, be sure to follow me on your account - I'll do the same for you. 

People who claim grievances more likely to lie and cheat

As summarized by the Genetic Literacy Project:

Newly published research indicates that people who more frequently signal their victimhood (whether real, exaggerated, or false) are more likely to lie and cheat for material gain and denigrate others as a means to get ahead.

Scholars from the Immorality Lab at the University of British Columbia created a victim-signaling scale that measures how frequently people tell others of the disadvantages, challenges, and misfortunes they suffer. Those who scored higher on this victim-signaling scale were found to be more likely to virtue-signal—to outwardly display signs of virtuous moral character—while simultaneously placing less importance on their own moral identity. In other words, victim signalers were more interested in looking morally good but less interested in being morally good than those who less frequently signal their victimhood.

Just something to think about.

Imperfect piano recitals & unremarkable concerts

I don't remember a time when I DIDN'T want a piano. At 55, I FINALLY got one - in early November 2021, to be exact. A friend was getting another piano and needed to get rid of this one. Found affordable piano movers and, at long last, my dream has come true! 

I've never had piano lessons (which is rather obvious when you listen to me). Thanks to everyone who passed on their kids' long-abandoned how-to-play manuals. I'm posting these videos for my mother and to show you that I have been using your piano books! 

Playing piano calms me. It takes my mind away from the stresses and gut punches of chronic unemployment, of gaining all the weight I lost in 2018 & 2019, and of generally feeling pretty lost these days. 

I'm going to try to upload a video of my playing something on the piano each month for an entire year. I guess it doesn't take much for me to humiliate myself on the Interwebs. Again. Seriously, I'm trying to be brave. I'm trying to show that you don't have to do something well to enjoy it and share it.  

Thank you for watching & liking each video (as in, you literally click "like" on each of them). And if you don't, just move on - there's zero reason to be an ass and say something sh*tty. Zero reason. 

My First Imperfect Piano Recital: Amazing Grace.

An Imperfect Recital for May 2022: Bach, Minuet. This is the six-month mark! 

An Imperfect Recital for April 2022: Simple Gifts.

Happy Birthday for Alex, April 2022.

An Imperfect Recital for March: My Country Tis of Thee... or is it?!

Added bonus: Unremarkable concerts of me singing with my guitar, playing about as well as I do a piano: Act Like a Married Man and Your Cheatin' Heart.  

I upload my imperfect musical performances and unremarkable concerts to this YouTube playlist. 

Men in the USA are Terrifying

I am deeply afraid of angry men in the USA: SO many are armed with multiple guns and see glory and satisfaction and some sort of twisted justice for themselves in murdering people with those guns. Whether it's a man in a car angry that I'm riding a bicycle or an online troll angry at my words: I am afraid.

Also:

if another country had this many mass shootings you would be too afraid to travel there and protest their citizens from immigrating here - Myka Fox on Twitter.

What keywords do I use with this post? Uvalde, Texas? Tops Supermarket in Buffalo? El Paso Walmart? Gabby Giffords? Sandy Hook? Columbine, Colorado? Republicans? GOP? NRA? 2nd Amendment? Children were once fetuses?

Wondering

I've been wondering if I will ever have the opportunity to start a social media post with this phrase, or something like it, ever again:

I am so happy/thrilled and honored to announce that...

It's been a long time. 

To my neighbors & other former friends

Shout out to the neighbors who stood in my backyard in December 2016 and insulted me and said I was being hysterical and that Trump and Hillary Clinton were the same and none of my predictions about the Supreme Court, abortion, immigration and more would EVER come true, as well to the people on Facebook who said I was too political and absolutely ridiculous to be SO worried about any of this. 

And ALSO to all the "we need to come together with the other side" people. 

F*ck you, sincerely & completely. You did this. This is you:

Of course, you'll never admit it. You'll never apologize. That's also why you are .

Goodbye, little bridge

On the viewer's left is the old Spottsville bridge in Henderson County, Kentucky, part of US Highway 60. 

On the right is the new bridge. This view is facing West. The bridges go over the Green River. 

Everyone hates the old Spottsville bridge. It is too narrow. Two American-sized trucks passing on it will hit their driver's mirrors against each other. It's too narrow for a lot of farm equipment, including my cousin's, who had to make an hour's drive out of his way as a result. 

Everyone is excited about the new bridge. 

And I know the old bridge has to go. 

But I cried when I saw this photo. 

I have dreamed of crossing this old bridge on my motorcycle. 

When I approach this bridge, I approach some of the best times of my childhood, and when I cross it, I connect with my family. 

This bridge represents the area where my family is from - Spottsville and Reed. There was a restaurant on the other side of the river of this photo when I was a kid (on the left as you approached going East) and my Papaw would take me there for hamburgers - and they were the BEST hamburgers. Crossing the bridge meant we were going to see my Mamaw's parents, or I was going to stay with my other great-grandmother, Papaw's mother, or that I was going to go spend the day with my cousin Robin. It meant my Mamaw would start telling stories - where her childhood school was, where they lived when they were sharecroppers, and on and on. 

The narrowness of the bridge required everyone to slow down and be careful - which gave you a chance to look at the dam locks on the Green River on one side, and the old railroad bridge on the other (the railroad bridge would turn to allow barges through - leaving scary gaps that you could imagine a train running off in a disaster movie). 

As an adult, I imagined a hike and bike route going all the way from Henderson to this bridge, along US Highway 60, and that restaurant opening back up as a result, maybe another building opening as a little B & B. And people would sit outside and look at that narrow bridge and marvel at it. 

But now, people will speed through the area, never giving any of it a second thought. 

Goodbye, Spottsville bridge. I'll miss you so. 

Here are some photos of, and on, the Old Spottsville bridge. 

When did it become the fashion to belittle people trying to be kind?

At the visitation and funeral of my father, a LOT of people came to speak with my family and even to me, specifically. In trying to be helpful or comforting, some of these people said some really insensitive things to me, or things I found ridiculous. But instead of getting mad or frustrated, I thanked everyone who spoke to me. I appreciated each person for being there and speaking to me, even the relative that tried to convert me to her religion. 

Months later, I had someone say to me "I didn't get in touch because I didn't know what to say." And then he shrugged and never mentioned it again. THAT hurt me far more than anyone who stopped by the funeral home to say something regarding the death of my father and ended up saying something cringe-worthy. 

For someone to spend time with you is a gift. When someone is trying to be kind, I appreciate it, even if whatever they say really isn't that helpful or may not be completely appropriate. If I think someone is coming from a place of sincerity and care, I'm not going to fault them for saying something that misses the mark. Yes, I might explain to them why something they are saying isn't true or helpful, or even hurtful, but the last thing I want to do is turn away an ally. I need all the allies I can get. 

I say this because there is suddenly an onslaught of articles and tweets and memes and commercials ridiculing people for, in their efforts to be an ally or to be supportive, saying the "wrong" thing. Some of this messaging even mocks people for asking questions to try to understand something or their efforts to comfort a friend, like that dreadful Better Help TV commercial.

Every day, I'm on a journey, as are you, and on that journey, I learn things, like that this word I've used all my life is now inappropriate. Or that question is something that can be hurtful to this particular group of people. Or that this custom has different meanings for different people. I've very much appreciate people who try to educate me. I have not at all appreciated people who've mocked me, especially in a moment of earnest effort to do or say the right thing. 

This is not a time to say things that shut people down from talking or sharing or trying to connect to others. This is not a time to tell people not to talk to each other because they might say the wrong thing. This is a time of incredible divisiveness and misinformation and rising hate that is driving us farther and farther apart, compounded by a deadly pandemic where we literally had to stay apart in order to survive. If we stop talking out of fear of saying the wrong thing, out of fear of being derided, we're going to be even more divided. 

Instead of rolling your eyes at a comment from a friend or colleague or neighbor who is genuinely trying to help you, to be there for you, and just said something you think isn't really helpful, try to be as kind as they are trying to be. Unless that person is trying to make you feel stupid - and those people are out there, certainly - don't try to make them feel stupid because you don't like their sincere effort to offer advice or comfort. Absolutely, if they say something that is hurtful, talk to them about it. And if the comment warrants anger, then get angry, and say why. But remember that there is something that same person you are annoyed with is going through that YOU wouldn't understand and that if you tried to talk about it, YOU might make some inappropriate comments. 

How to tell when someone is being sincere in an effort to be kind versus when someone is trolling you, or being obtuse, or being passive aggressive? THAT I cannot always tell. 

What I want from your YouTube travel channel or travel blog

There are lots of blogs out there telling people how to create a travel blog everyone will read, or how to create a YouTube channel regarding travel that everyone will watch, written by people who have travel blogs or YouTube channels. 

How about some advice NOT from someone who has such a channel, but from someone who watches such channels and reads travelogues? What makes me check out a channel? What makes me read a blog about a trip? What keeps me coming back? What will keep me in your audience?

First, A Thank You

Thanks for sharing your travels on a written blog or on YouTube. That's really nice and, in some cases, brave, of you to do. If you enjoy doing it, keep doing it. If you like how you are doing it and have no interest in changing, stop now and don't read anymore. 

If you want more readers and viewers, I think my perspective, as a reader and viewer, are good ones, so read on. But I won't be hurt at all if you read this and think, nope, she's not my audience.

Why I check out a channel or read a travel blog:

Usually, it's because of a recommendation from someone, either a friend on social media or an online community. 

Sometimes, it's something that YouTube recommended because of something else I watched - but, wow, that algorithm isn't very good. 

So, make sure your friends are sharing when they watch your channel or read your blog on Twitter, Facebook, an online community, etc. That's as important as making sure you are using text in the description of your channel and each video so that the people that you want to read it can find it, based on the keywords they use in a search. 

How I find a travel blog is usually because I find it while I'm searching for advice online and I come across it, because it names the places I want to go, it talks about camping or motorcycle riding, it's clear that it's by a woman, etc., and after reading a few paragraphs, I realize it's really good and I keep reading. 

So, make sure you are using text in the body of your travelogue so that the people that you want to read it can find it, based on the keywords they use in a search. 

Why I keep reading a travel blog:

Because it's interesting. It's well-written prose. I like long reads. I don't need to know every minute of the day and how a traveler spent it, but I do want to feel like I'm experiencing something right along with you. 

Two of my favorite travel books will give you an idea of what I like to read in travel blogs: Long Way 'Round and Travels With Charley. 

Here are my own travel essays, by the way. Many people hace said they are too long. I don't care. I write them mostly for myself and the two devoted fans who write me every time I publish one, to gush about how much they loved it. Publishing my blogs is how I figured out how little my family cared about my travels - buried in one of them was how I had a bad wreck on my motorcycle, complete with photos, and they never commented about it.  But my two devoted fans were frantic with worry. 

Why I keep watching a travel-focused YouTube channel:

• Your videos feel like you are doing the trip you would do even if you weren't filming it, even if you didn't have a YouTube channel. If YOU find what you are doing interesting and compelling and worth doing, if you are doing what you are doing because it's what YOU really want to do, and you are able to show me why you are doing this trip, visiting this place, taking this road, etc., that's most important to me, the viewer, and that's why I'll keep watching. I want authenticity. I'll go along with you on that trip, virtually speaking, to a place I might not be particularly interested in if YOU really want to go there, and you make it clear why in your video through what you show. This is the most important reason in all of this list.  
   
• You show beautiful vistas: landscapes, viewpoints, historic buildings, etc. I want to say "oh, that's pretty" or "interesting" at least sometimes. Show me WHY you are in that place. Even if it's just pulling over for a few seconds and saying, "How's THAT for a view?!" If YOU think it's pretty or interesting, film it and share it. 
   
• You sometimes show what you are passing: fields, villages, slums, cities, cars, whatever. I want to get a sense of what life is like where you are. And I don't want perfection - I want reality. Even if you show just 15 seconds and say, "Here I am in blah blah blah and it's not worth filming anymore so I'm not," that's fine. 
   
• If you are on a motorcycle, you show the road. A lot. I want to know if it's possible for me to ride there. Just turn on your helmet cam and ride. As long as it's not endless paved straight highway, I'm going to watch that. 
   
• When you are showing a lot of landscapes and vistas and passing scenery and the road, you throw in some music or voiceover in the edit if the sound of the motorcycle is going to get boring, if you have the tech to do so. The only time I haven't needed this is when I was watching someone doing a motorcycle rally - then I really liked hearing the engine. Just please don't talk ALL the time over scenery video. 

Those are the most important bullet points. The rest are things I really like, but not necessarily make or break. 

• You tell me where you are. Names of cities and villages. You show me on a map. Maybe I want to go there someday. You don't have to name every place, but give me an idea. 
      
• You film the sign of hotels and campsites where you stay and like. Please? Just a three-second flash of it is fine. Unless they don't want you to, of course. Again: I might want to go there myself. 
      
• You briefly film the room you stay in. "Here's my room! Goodnight! See you tomorrow!" Film your campsite and maybe a bit around the campground. Seriously, it's wonderful to just get a sense of where you are, even for a few seconds. It makes me feel like I'm setting down for the night too. 
      
• You show your challenges. I want to see what you do when you drop your motorcycle, when you get a flat on your bicycle, when you get turned away at a border, when you get lost, how you get a sim card when you don't speak the language, etc. Don't have to be a long, detailed story, but the info is really helpful to other travelers. 
   
• You talk about the challenges you can't show on camera: the argument at passport control. The guesthouse that turned you away. The guy that harassed you. About getting robbed. About police officers. About losing your passport. I particularly want to hear how you handled it, because I'm going to handle that too at some point. 
   
• You show me what you are eating! Whether you cook it yourself or you are in a restaurant, I really like to see what travelers are eating. That could be some delicious, beautiful local dish or could be "All I could find is this can of Sprite and this can of potato chips..." 
   
• I like an entire episode devote to what gear you are using: your tent, your sleeping bag, your stove, your camera, your battery packs, your helmet, your train gear, your riding hear, your boots, and anything else you want to share with me. I like that episode when you are well into your trip, not right at the beginning, because I want to hear how you like it - or don't. Not everyone will love such an episode, but there's no reason not to do one.  
   
• You are respectful of where you are. Please travel with respect. Please don't ride your motorcycle offroad when you clearly are not supposed to. Don't carve your name into a tree. Don't say something racist about local people. Don't film in a religious or historic site when you are told NOT to film. Wear a mask if you see others doing so. Traveling with respect is really important to me, and when I see a travel blogger not doing that, I turn them off. And, again, maybe you don't want me as a viewer, and that's fine with you. 
   
• You share sometimes who you are meeting on the road. You don't have to introduce me to every traveler you encounter, every kid on the street, every restaurant owner, ever guest house host, but I do like it when you show other people sometimes. I like seeing how travelers navigate checkin somewhere, or how they try to order food. I like seeing people being kind to travelers. 
   
• I don't at all mind the mentioning of personal problems or complaints - if you have ever read Long Way 'Round, not just watched the videos, you see that a lot of conflicts among the team are documented, complaints about each other, and it's a reality of group travel that too many folks gloss over and is almost completely left out of the videos (except at the beginning). Or if you read Elspeth Beard's Lone Rider, you read a lot about personal things she's going through - and it's WAY too much in the first 100 pages, as I note in my review, but once you get past that, it's a really perfect balance of road trip and personal journey story (and I so highly recommend you read it). And there's one person I love to watch on YouTube, but she NEVER mentions personal problems - to the point that it makes it sound like she has no family or friends anywhere, that she never has an ache or a pain, that everything works out, and that's just unrealistic.  
   
• A mention of how you are feeling is fine. And in a six-month or year-long journey, I don't at all mind an entire "I'm not sure I can go on" video, with tears and doubts and everything - it's real. It's most definitely part of a journey. But if you are going to make MOST of your videos here's how I feel, if you are going to talk over the scenes of landscapes and fields and forests and the road about all your complaints and doubts, over and over, you are going to lose me as a viewer. And maybe that's okay - maybe you don't want me as a viewer. 
   
• You just talking to the camera is fine in LIMITED QUANTITIES. There are people that don't do it enough - like all the Charlie and Ewan shows. And then there are people who do it WAY too much. I like it when a presenter explains something that wasn't clear earlier in the video - like why did the camera suddenly cut off when you were nearing the gas station? Or why are you now in Germany when you just showed yourself in Norway, headed to Sweden? Or explaining that your plans are changing and how, in the next video, we are NOT going to be seeing such and such waterfalls because you aren't going there after all and why. But unless it's a really compelling story, like how you almost got arrested or that the borders are closed because of a civil war or global pandemic and you are stuck in one place until further notice, keep it short. 
   
• Be kind to street animals or I will come after you like the raging banshee I can be. 
   
• Go back and read bullet #1. It really is the most important.  

Ideal length for a travel video episode for me? No longer than 20 minutes. Any longer than that should be broken up into two shorter videos. 

What about your personality? Honestly, I really don't care. My favorite travel vlogger is bubbling and bright and has a delightful and bouncy personality. My other two favorite travel vloggers speak in almost monotone, don't say much and are even hard to understand sometimes. But when it comes to my favorite travel vloggers, they do all of those first bullet points and many of the ones that follow. 

Those are the reasons I will keep watching your travel video or reading your travel blog. And if you don't want me as a subscriber, that's FINE. You absolutely cannot please everyone all the time. 

Glory to Ukraine

If you knew me in 2014, then you know that I got to work in Ukraine for two months and I loved it beyond words.

The country had just experienced Euromaidan - the Maidan uprising - when citizens across the country began passionately, loudly protesting the Russian-supported Ukrainian government's sudden decision not to sign the European Union–Ukraine Association Agreement, instead choosing closer ties to Russia and the Eurasian Economic Union. I was there when the uprising was over but before all of the protester, encampments had been removed from Independence Square (Maidan).

Kyiv quickly became one of my favorite big cities on Earth. I loved it. I was proud to be a part of the international effort to help the Ukrainian government do better for its people - but I was thrilled to be living in such a vibrant, beautiful city full of so many vibrant, beautiful people.

August through much of October of last year has been full of tears watching another country where I worked - Afghanistan - come under the subjugation of the Taliban. My trauma was, of course, nothing compared to the people, particularly the women, I worked with there, who are all left behind. It's made me wonder if everything I did was for nothing, because everything I did there - EVERYTHING - is gone. I feel like I lied to every Afghan woman that I supported in her dreams. I feel like I'm a big liar and I've harmed people instead of helped them. 

And now, Ukraine. My trauma is, of course, NOTHING compared to the Ukrainian people. It's nothing compared to the dogs and cats and animals trapped at the Kyiv Zoo - don't even get me started on the elephant there. But, again, everything I did... what was it for? 

And I'm angry. I'm angry at the men that have caused this. I'm angry at obscenely wealthy people like Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos who could help thousands and thousands and thousands of refugees from both Ukraine and Afghanistan and everywhere else with housing. I'm angry that people so outraged about Ukraine have been silent regarding Afghanistan or Yemen or Syria or Chechnia or Cameroon or Congo or Central America... or have said that what's happening in Ukraine matters because they are "civilized." 

But do you even care?

Here are some ways you can help Ukraine, by the way (by donating money - please don't gather diapers or whatever to ship to Poland, I beg you):

CARE International Ukraine. 

UNICEF Ukraine.

The Bank of Ukraine accounts for humanitarian aid and for the military (separate funds). 

The national chapters of the International Red Cross in Poland, Romania, Moldova, Slovakia and Hungary also accept donations to support Ukrainian refugees in their countries. 

And if you are in Europe, it's likely that there is a local NGO that is helping Ukrainian refugees right in your own community, or very nearby. 

But please don't forget about Afghanistan. CARE and UNICEF are great organizations to support for Afghanistan as well. And there are Afghan refugees all over the world. Even in Owensboro, Kentucky, near my hometown. And throughout where I live in Oregon. Any Google search will help you find organizations in or near your community that help refugees. If you can't help Ukrainian refugees directly, please channel that energy into helping refugees from ANYWHERE that are in your community. Refugees need financial help, mostly with rent. But they also need volunteers who can help them:

• Move (refugees have to move a LOT).
• Navigate mass transit.
• Know what offices to go to for ID cards and the government benefits they qualify for. 
• Know how parents can be involved in local schools. 
• What a public library is and what it does and what services it provides (free Internet, classes, events for children, etc.).
• With computers, smart phones, cell phone plans, etc.
• Know about free things they can do as a family (street markets, public concerts, etc.).

Please don't stop caring. And please don't just watch from the sidelines. 

An argument that Islam is feminist

Muslims for Progressive Values noted on its Facebook page in March: 

A majority of contemporary Muslim religious leaders are not 'contemporary' in their worldview and are regressive and misogynistic which are contrary to the actual roles Muslim women were and played, during Prophet Muhammad's time. 

Then they added some points to complement a meme they shared (which I'm sharing after this):

• Hajra was Prophet Abraham's second wife.
• Maryam is Mary, mother of Jesus (yes, there is a whole chapter about her in the Quran),
• Khadijah was a very successful trader and financed the survival of the first converts (she couldn't be successful if she was going to follow the contemporary imam's preaching of "a women's place is at home" farcity),
• Aisha was Prophet Muhammad's wife after Khadijah passed away (she didn't stay home either),
• Umm Waraqa was the first female imam appointed by Prophet Muhammad.
• Zaynab's husband never converted because Muslim women CAN marry non-Muslim men.

If you are a Muslim and attend a local mosque, it is your responsibility to challenge your religious authorities on these points.

Here is the meme they were referring to:

It's an interesting argument, like those made for feminism and women's leadership in Christianity as well. I'm not sure how much of it I buy - I feel like you can find plenty of arguments in the writings regarding both Islam and Christianity that make entirely different arguments. But if you are going to stick with a religion, might as well arm yourself with the dogma that supports your position. 

Quit comparing Afghanistan and Ukraine in terms of bravery

I'm so tired of reading "Why are Ukrainians fighting but Afghanistan gave up?"

Ukraine has been a relatively stable country, even with the 2014 revolution, for quite a while. Decades. It has a culture where neighbors know and trust each other and its institutions - bodies that, while having a BIG problem with corruption, do actually get things done, enough that they are functional. Ukraine is a country that has been quite functional for decades - mass transit, public utilities, roads, etc. Women have full access to most roles in society, including the workplace - they are a critical, integral part of the society. Upward mobility, while difficult, is possible. And it takes a society that is functional and trusts each other and where a lot of people have opportunities to make their lives better through hard work to be able to mount an effective defense against invaders or insurrectionists. Not that Ukraine doesn't have a range of critical issues - if it didn't, the United Nations wouldn't still be working there. 

By contrast, Afghanistan has long been fractured, for many decades, and its institutions haven't been stable without an extraordinary amount of propping up by other countries, primarily the USA, for decades. It is a society where neighbors don’t trust each other, where people retreat into tribal identities and loyalties, and where women have been regularly marginalized - they had access to jobs and education because of the will and force of foreign powers, and once that left, so did their access. There are incredibly smart, wonderful people in Afghanistan who really wanted their country to stay on the path of the last 20 years, and who are very capable of running their country, who have great ideas, work hard, are innovative…but corruption, outdated traditions and entrenched internal power structures keep them marginalized. You can’t unite people for a cause when they can’t even agree what the cause is.

And let’s remember that women have been incredibly brave in Afghanistan, protesting in the streets even when they know they could, and often will be, imprisoned or murdered by the Taliban. 

Both countries welcomed me. Both countries had people eager to work with me for the greater good of their country. Both have people eager to make their country better. I respect and love both immensely. One is not "braver" than the other.  

Does Ukraine have lessons for Afghanistan? Yes. But that's for another blog. 

Volunteers in Washington County, Oregon needed to help newly-arrived Afghan families

The Portland Refugee Support Group helps newly arrived refugee families in the greater PDX metro area, including in Hillsboro, Beaverton and Tigard. PRSG is committed to creating a bright future for refugees in our community. Recently, there has been a large influx of families in Afghanistan, and they need a great deal of guidance. Volunteers from Western Washington County, including Banks, Forest Grove, Cornelius, Gaston, Gales Creek, North Plains and surrounding areas are welcomed.

If you would like to volunteer to help these families, there is a new Core Volunteer orientation coming up on March 15th. Here is the official announcement:

several new Afghan neighbors have been living in various hotels throughout the Portland and surrounding areas as they wait for long-term housing. We've been working with the community to provide supplies that help them have some of the home comforts they were forced to leave behind. During our conversations with them, it is clear that matching those families with Core Volunteers would help them adjust and navigate the new and changing environment they are in.

To learn more about why Core Volunteers are the backbone of PRSG, we invite you to check out the short video below. We hope it will inspire you to explore becoming a Core Volunteer for one of these new families. Our next Core Volunteer orientation will be March 15th.

Contact Angela Swan <angela@pdxrsg.org if you would like to sign up to attend the orientation and understand more about what being a Core Volunteer is all about. If you decide it's too much of a commitment, you can still volunteer - they have much shorter term/lower commitment tasks you can help with - like helping a family move. All volunteers are required to go through the orientation (it's online) and undergo a background check.

Also, PRSG will be starting a monthly Conversational English virtual meetup for female volunteers and refugees. These meetings will be a great way for women refugees to practice their English skills, meet other refugees, and connect in a fun, practical way. It's also a relaxed opportunity for volunteers to get to know each other and provide a safe environment for refugees to learn more about American idioms, phrases, and casual conversation. But many of our families lack the devices necessary to participate.

Please feel free to share this message with others.

Full disclosure: I'm a volunteer with PRSG. But I'm not a Core Volunteer. 

Articles telling you how to deal with depression are bullsh*t

The internet is packed with advice on how to deal with depression. And they are all crap. 

Here's why:

The advice always starts with Talk with a friend. 

For people who are suffering from severe depression, friends have often distanced themselves, or they don't have friends to trust with this kind of conversation. In addition, friends often give LOUSY advice when it comes to depression, and may even make the situation worse. In short, in many, many most, cases for someone who is depressed, friends aren't available or aren't a good option at all. 

Next is always Talk with a therapist.

This is the one that really infuriates me. There's rarely any advice offered on how to find a therapist. Most people have no idea how to find a therapist, and their depression has drained them so much they aren't going to spend hours trying to figure it out. Sometimes, the article will say, "talk with your health care provider for referrals." What if the person doesn't have health care insurance? What if all of the therapists that are in the person's health care insurance network are booked solid for months?

And what if you cannot afford to go to a therapist? Even if you have healthcare coverage, therapy is terribly expensive. 

There's also this reality: there are some really lousy therapists out there. I've had one. Where's the advice on how to know if a therapist is worthwhile? What are the signs that you have a good therapist, versus one that you need to drop?

Is online therapy an option? It might be, if you can afford it. The cost of therapy ranges from $60 to $100 per week, usually billed every four weeks, and can even be higher based on your preferences, location and therapist availability. Here's what healthline.com had to say about online therapy sites:

• Best overall: Talkspace.
• Largest network of licensed counselors: BetterHelp.
• Best online therapy for cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): Online-Therapy.com.
• Best online therapy for mental and physical health: Amwell.
• Best for online psychiatry: MDLive.

Other resources that can help you find resources in your area:

• SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, available 24 hours, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, available free, confidential, available 24 hours, 365-day-a-year. Languages: English, Spanish. 800-273-8255.
• Your county health department's web page. 

If you are suffering from depression, here's my advice, based on being a chronic sufferer:

• Whether you believe it or not right now, your life really can get better. Not just tolerable, but BETTER. It may not ever be as good as it was at the best point of your life, it may never be the same, but absolutely, it can get to the point where you want to live, where you have things to enjoy. Please dig as deep as you can and have faith in this possibility, even just for today (but, of course, knowing that it probably isn't going to get better today, specifically). This is absolutely a critically important point.  
• The fact that you are depressed does not say to me that you are weak. I have trouble trusting anyone that does not admit to having at least one dark time in their life or that claims it's easy and just a matter of having a good attitude and eating some magical non-GMO free-range whatever food in order to never be depressed. 
• You are stronger than you think you are. You have strength you don't believe you have. You have strength I don't have.  
• There are no quick fixes for your situation. This is a marathon, and that sucks eggs, but that's how it is. Here's the good news: you don't have to run. You don't have to hurry. You can rest as much as you want to along the way. But if you can try, every day, you will, eventually, get to a better place. 
• Walk every day. Every damn day. Even if it's just around one block. Even if it's just to the end of your street and back. Walk EVERY DAY. It will probably take two months for you to start getting any benefits from this, but you will start thinking at least a bit more clearly and calmly. 
• Take a shower or bath at least once a week. 
• Each day, listen to music at least as much if not more than you watch TV or on a computer or your phone trolling through the Internet. 
• Find a place in your house, even if it's a closet, where you can sit for five minutes, without any radio playing in the room, without a TV playing in that room, without any other person in that room. Sit with your eyes closed and breathe. Try to think only about the sound and feeling of your breath. Try to do it for at least five minutes - if you need to set a timer to know when 5 minutes is up, put that timer outside your space, so that you hear only the alarm, not the "tick tick" or not any messages or other notifications on your phone. It will probably take two months for you to start getting any benefits from this, but you will start thinking at least a bit more clearly and calmly. 
• If a benign activity sounds even halfway interesting, or you can at least get up enough energy to do it, please do it: getting a massage, getting a manicure or pedicure, getting your hair cut, going to a movie, cooking a lasagne, tinkering on a long-neglected piano, dancing in your living room, doing a jigsaw puzzle, whatever. 
• Go to bed and get up at the same times day after day. And no interactive electronics in the bedroom - no computer, no smart phone. Something that plays music or an alarm clock is allowed. If you are getting just four hours of sleep a night, then pick when those four hours will be - midnight to four a.m.? 
• Consider giving up all alcohol and cannabis for at least two months. There is a growing body of evidence pointing to the co-occurrence of cannabis use and depression. Observational and epidemiological studies have not indicated a positive long-term effect of cannabis use on the course and outcome of depression. More scientific information about why you should avoid cannabis when you are depressed. You need to be thinking clearly as you work to heal. 
• If you believe in a god, go to a church, mosque or temple that aligns with your beliefs. Sit near the back in case you want to leave early. 
• Trust every point that's been named here, altogether, as a process that will, eventually, work. Not in a day, not in a week, and maybe not even a month. But, eventually, it will start working to make things better. 
• Call those aforementioned numbers any time you are ready to give up. 
• If you have healthcare coverage and can make an appointment with your doctor, do so, and tell that doctor exactly what you are experiencing. There may be a medical treatment that doctor can recommend. 

And in addition:

• Do everything you can to find affordable therapy. That may mean cutting back on your streaming service subscriptions, eliminating all charitable giving, not buying any gifts for Christmas, having a garage sale, or asking a family member for financial help. 
• If you have children, I can assure you that if you were to commit suicide - and yes, I use that phrase, commit suicide - you will scar their mind, heart and soul for life. Forever. If fact, you increase the likelihood they will choose this for themselves, even decades later. 
• If you have family or friends, you will scar their mind, heart and soul for life if you commit suicide. My only hesitation in saying that is maybe you are so bitter that that's what you want, but I hope not. 

I wish I could say this blog was inspired just by general things I'm reading online. Or even just one person in my life that I'm trying to help. But it's so many people I know, so so many... 

50 years ago, I started on a life-changing path

I realized recently that, exactly 50 years ago, I was in kindergarten. It was at a time when kindergarten was a radical idea in most of the USA - most kids were NOT in kindergarten, because there weren't that many and it wasn't required. I also attended preschool there. And for that, my mother got some pushback from her in-laws, my paternal grandparents, who felt strongly that she should stay at home with her children all day. And this radical idea of pre school and kindergarten was embraced by a Baptist church in my hometown in Kentucky. Yes, a Baptist church, one that my family didn't even attend. I miss those days when Baptist churches were radical in the right ways...

I loved kindergarten. My teacher was "Miss Pat." We sang, we had naps, we had snacks and we learned our letters via the Letter People (Mister T had Tall Teech, Mister M had a munching mouth, Miss A was sneezing "Achoo", etc. I remember one class where we each got to be a country. I wanted desperately to be Mexico, but wasn't - and I don't remember what I ended up being. 

This experience, plus Sesame Street, plus my grandmother reading to me regularly, is where why my vocabulary grew so much. It's where I learned to ask fully developed questions and to be able to explain more, being able to talk about my cat or a movie I saw or something I wanted to be someday. I was a sponge, and at last, I was getting to drink in knowledge - something I was oh-so-thirsty for. I liked being on my own, learning to manage my own things, my own "work space." And I loved playing with other kids - the kids in kindergarten were so much nicer to me than the kids in my neighborhood. They didn't bully. We all just seemed to want to have fun, and we wanted everyone else to have fun too. 

I remember only three students though: Demetrius, my mother's favorite, who I met again in junior high as DD, the most popular guy in school; a young girl with red hair who didn't seem to understand the concept of ownership and thought everything was hers for the taking; and a guy whose name I never forgot, I don't know why, but in his 30s, he was involved in either the murder of a woman of the disposal of her body, and killed himself as police were closing in. 

I remember the Fall of that year, when I started first grade, and watching some of the kids who had not gone to kindergarten: they were screaming, wrapped around their mother's ankles, begging to be taken away. They struggled in the classroom. In each grade, every time I would watch them talk back to a teacher, try to cheat on a test, or struggle with reading aloud, I'd wonder if it was because they didn't go to kindergarten.  

I'm so grateful that my usually very conservative mother put me in pre school and kindergarten. It should be an experience every child has. 

Ongoing recovery from creeps

In August 1989, I was the target of profound creepiness as I walked to work. I don't want to say more, but the incident was creepy, it was violating, and it was emotionally scarring. He never touched me - never even got out of his car. But every woman - every woman - knows that creeps don't have to get anywhere near them in order to make a woman feel like she has no safe space. It's what creeps do. 

I walked quickly the two blocks to work, angry and disgusted and wanting to get away quickly but, you know, not make too much of a fuss. I told the receptionist, a dear friend, what had happened and said, "But since he didn't get anywhere near me, and didn't threaten me, I don't even know if I should call the police." 

She picked up the phone and called the police as I ended my sentence - there would be no discussion about whether I should or shouldn't. I'm grateful for her decisiveness. 

I gave my report over the phone, and then went into the bathroom. I was starting to feel sick. And discombobulated. And frightened. And filthy, like I was covered in muck. A few minutes later, my friend came in. And slowly, other women started trickling in. Word was spreading what had happened. And 10 minutes later, we were all sitting in a circle on the bathroom floor, and they were each sharing all the times a stranger had been creepy. They all had stories - while jogging, while at the public library, while at a bar, while at a swimming pool, and on and on. And I realized they were all still affected by whatever the incident - or incidents - had been. It made me feel profoundly better to know that these women, all incredibly strong willed, all with the ability to be even more pushy than me, had all been the target of a man trying to reduce them, trying to humiliate them, delighting in hurting them. 

They were all adamant that I had done the right thing in calling the police, and that my feelings, all of them, were absolutely valid. I will love them all to my dying day for their understanding and compassion. 

All of this came back today, more than 30 years later, when a neighbor experienced quite an aggressive creep as she left a volunteering gig. Sadly, the police who saw the man make a sudden, illegal turn literally threw up her hands, looked amused and drove away - yes, my friend saw the police officer do this. Also sadly, no one witnessed the man being aggressive with his car, or heard him say what he said - so there's nothing they can do. As she said, the police seemed like they had other things they'd prefer to be doing, and didn't seem too worried about the inaction of their sister officer. Which is typical of the police of the town where I live in Oregon. 

I've done what I can to help my friend emotionally and will continue to, always. I wish she could come back with me, in time, to that magic circle of women, and have her moment of comfort and care and affirmation from those wonderful people. 

A last note about my own situation: four days later, the man who targeted me was waiting for me again in his car as I walked to work. I hurriedly ran to the guard booth of a parking garage and began screaming "Call the police, call the police!" The police came and weren't as friendly as they had been on the phone - after all, the guy hadn't touched me, I hadn't even looked into the car this time as I passed, I'd just RUN. They asked me at least three times why was I so upset.

A day later, the creep who targeted me murdered a bank vice president. He abducted her a short distance from where he'd targeted me. He attempted to rape her after abducting her, she ran, and he shot her at point-blank range. 

Listen to women. Hear us. And take our fear seriously. 

For Six Months, Let's Force Civilization on Facebook

We could all shake up Facebook - and maybe even derail it entirely - by quitting it. And Facebook needs a shakeup - a drastic shakeup. Facebook created algorithms that have amplified hate and misinformation. People are seeing an onslaught of misinformation about vaccines, about COVID-19, about nutrition, about elections and more BY DESIGN. 

But many of us stay in contact with friends and family through Facebook. We know about people moving, changing jobs, births, deaths and more because we follow our friends on Facebook. That's essential info. And until a better social media platform comes along, we're just not going to switch back to email. 

So I want to challenge you to commit, for six months, to making Facebook a better place. It doesn't mean not posting opinions or debating. Not at all. It means making this commitment:

For the next six months, I will work to increase the amount of positive and/or real, first-person content on Facebook, in order to disempower the negative elements on the platform. I will not be less politically active or avoid posts about things I am angry about, but I will counter that with content that’s uplifting to both myself and my friends and colleagues. For the next six months, I will help make the platform of value to ME, personally, regardless of what its owners and “sponsored content” might do.

For the next six months, I will post:

• photos of myself having a nice time, whether that’s in a beautiful exotic place or my backyard.
• photos I took myself of sunrises, sunsets, and skies and weather I find interesting or beautiful.
• recipes I have actually tried and liked, and I will comment about when I tried them and why I liked them.
• dates and information for events happening in my community I want others to know about, from a high school band concert to a farmer’s market to a yard sale.
• funny or insightful things my family or neighbors have said (not memes).
• photos of my own pets, or photos I have taken of other people’s pets.
• anything I’m proud of in my life, whether it’s learning to play something on a piano or not forgetting to put the trash out.
• about a class I’m taking.
• about a book I’m reading.
• about a TV show I’m watching.
• about a movie I enjoy.
• about an album I’m enjoying.
• about a memory that has made me smile (not a meme).
• dates to help people in my community be more civilly engaged: deadline for registering to vote, how to find out if you are registered to vote, date of upcoming school board meeting, date of upcoming city.
• council meeting, date of a candidates’ forum/debate.
• photos from around my neighborhood.
• anything that celebrates one of my own family members or neighbors or friends.
• news about my new home, my new job, my new project, whatever.
• questions I think my friends can help answer.
• anything I’m grateful for.
• how much I’m looking forward to any sporting event, movie, vacation, whatever.
• my broken TV, my plate that I just broke on the floor, a flat tire, whatever, with a comment about how I’m dealing with it, or how annoying it is.
• a photo of my new shoes.
• a photo of the old, worn hiking boots I’m throwing out and a comment about all the places they’ve been.
• the ridiculously long line you are dealing with in the course of your day.
• apologies for anything I posted that turned out not to be true.

That will make Facebook a place where regular humans are creating most of the content that we see - not algorithms, not AIs, not some big marketing firm. 

I am also going to keep posting those things which some brand as "negative." Those are part of who I am. Those are part of meaningful social discourse.  I will post the following "negative" things if I want to, however, I will post much more of the aforementioned group of topics than this:

• memes that make me laugh or think.
• memes that make me laugh or think.
• my own political opinions.
• special offers from businesses I support (free drink with the purchase of a hamburger!).
• things I’m angry about.
• things I’m sad about.
• things I am scared about.
• things I think are dangerous.
• things I don’t like.
• jokes.
• sarcastic observations.
• criticisms.  

I will NEVER post:

• something I claim is mine but is actually the work of someone else.
• unverified news. 
• unverified quotes.
• something that gives me a strong emotional response as I read it UNLESS I have made absolutely sure it's true and, after doing so, I believe it's something people need to read too. 
• results from any online quiz that isn’t a quiz by a verified news organization, a nonprofit organization, a research institute, etc. (“Here’s what color my name represents…”
• answers to questions on pages that are not my friends that ask questions like, “What food do you hate at Thanksgiving every year” or “What was the name of your childhood sweetheart.”

Ready to make the commitment?